Friday, March 23, 2007

this happens all the time

The other day I was getting out of my car, getting ready to go into a shoe store, when I saw a young woman....not more than 17 or 18 who was entering the store. She had what looked to be a 3 year old little girl on her hip, balanced precariously around her hugely pregnant belly.

And I thought, how is that fair?

And then I rememberd, oh yeah. it's not about fair. It's about the sovereignty of God, which I will never understand, but in which I trust implicitly. And just because He has blessed others with children does not mean that He has blessed them more than He's blessed me. It just means He's blessed me differently. What? Did I expect the rest of the world to stop having children until I had one of my own? I guess somewhere deep down I did. And still do. And when my friends are having their second and third.........while I wait for one......I have to remember that it's not about me anyway.

Adversely, I think about how impatient I am and I think, God will never allow me to be a mother. I'm too impatient.

I know all of my logic is flawed, but sometimes I can't think about anything else but the why? God....This is not wof infertility. I always conjure up images from my life--reasons why I don't deserve children, or why I would be a horrible mother. I'm sure they are no different from thoughts every other woman has had in her life. but I still try and rationalize it all in my head. The truth is, I don't deserve children. No one does. If you disagree, remember the depravity of man. It's so real...and has been since we fell dead in the garden. No one deserves anything good. What we do get that's good....grace. From God. Jesus: grace personified. Taking my place for wickedness that deserves hell and separation from God.............this freedom, this belief that in and of itself is a gift from God.......This is not what I deserve.

And that, that comforts me when I start focusing on what I don't have. Look at what I do have: Christ!! And I am comforted in knowing that He wounds that He might heal. And knowing that infertility has purposefully passed through His fingers to me....that is what makes it bearable. I couldn't bear it without Him and His incredible grace.

I realize I'm recycling thoughts that I've already expressed here, but sometimes it does me good to do so in order to regain a right perspective.

Blessings, friends.