Wednesday, May 30, 2007

letting the cat out of the bag

Adoption is now in our plans, if the Lord wills. :)

You can read more here.

Thank you for praying for us. I think this blog could turn into more of an infertility-meets-adoption type of blog. Or it may continue to be a place for me to digest my thoughts as I long to be a mother. The latter is probably more likely. :)


Wednesday, May 23, 2007

it seems to me that pregnancy announcements come in threes.

or twenties.

Thursday, May 10, 2007

mother's day hard for many I have been blessed

Mother's Day is a difficult day for lots of people. While most people celebrate their mothers or being a mother, for someone walking through infertility it can be a nightmare as we consider how to manage emotions. Church can be the hardest part of it all, unfortunately. Services are oriented to honor the oldest mother, the youngest mother, or the mother with the most children.; all mothers are asked to stand....while the infertile woman ducks her head, being one of the only women (if not THE only woman, as is my case) in church still seated in her pew. I am not a man, but I can imagine how difficult it must be for men when the same event is repeated on Father's Day.

To avoid pitying myself (something I do way too much!) I have tried to spend the past few years focusing on my OWN mother and grandmothers....remembering to be thankful for the gifts that they are. Last year, I handled myself rather well during church, although I fought tears when my husband (the pastor) asked the mothers at church to stand so we could pray for them. (Thankfully, being a man who longs to be a father, my husband is very sensitive and does not make a big deal out of either parent-oriented holiday.) I survived the day last year, mostly impart to a phone call from my grandmother. My grandmother called to thank me for her Mother's Day card, but also to tell me that she was praying for me all day long.

She, too, knows infertility very well. After seven years of trying to get pregnant, my grandmother accepted the probability that she would never conceive. She and my grandfather adopted my dad as a three month old baby. He was the joy of their lives; they could not have been happier. It was four years later (so that would be eleven years of infertility), my grandmother went to the doctor with an upset stomach. She was, however, pregnant! A miracle! My aunt is a testimony to the fact that God can do the impossible. grandmother likely spent many Mother's Days grieving in her heart. In the 1950's, infertility was little-understood and probably rarely talked about. My grandmother truly knows how I have felt. And her phone call was to encourage me that God can do amazing things, that we should trust in His goodness, that He is good regardless of whether He gives us children.....and a wealth of other things about the character of God. "But," my grandmother said in a compassionate and understanding voice, "days like today are hard, aren't they, honey?" I can hear her saying it even now in my head, and it brings tears to my eyes. The compassion was just what I needed

I was blessed last year on Mother's Day.

This year, my blessing came a bit earlier.

At school today (I'm a teacher's assistant), Tyana--one of my third graders--handed me this, saying "I know you're not my mom, but I wanted to give you a Mother's Day card anyway."

My first Mother's Day card.

I will treasure it always.

There are several students in my 3rd and 4th grade class whose mothers are nowhere to be found. Several are being raised by grandparents or aunts. In the students' art class, they were to make Mother's Day cards, and I had the heartbreaking chance to read some of them. One particularly caught my eye: "Dear Mommy, I love you. Happy Mother's Day! I miss you, will you PLEASE come home soon?" That was from one of the students who has quite possibly never really known her mother since her mom abandoned the family years ago. I have noticed that the behavior of a few of my students (the ones with such hard family problems) has gone from bad to worse. After talking with the principle about it, I realized that it is because Mother's Day is drawing near.....and they have no mother.

My heart hurts for my own yearning to be a mother, of course, but my heart simply breaks over and over when I see the little faces of my students....who I know have no mommy (or daddy for that matter) at home to help with homework, to make lunches, to tuck them into bed, to pray with them, and to do all the world of things mothers do for their children.

As I think of Mother's Day this year, I will not solely focus on my infertility. I will be thankful for my mom and grandmothers, and tell them so. I will hope for a call from my grandmother. I will think of and pray for my students at school. I will treat the difficult children with a little extra grace because I know their little hearts yearn for a mother to hold. And I will carry my Mother's Day card with me all day long.


Monday, May 7, 2007


I think one of the difficult parts of infertility is that people don't know how to treat me. They know we have been unable to have children, and so instead of offending us by constantly asking "how's it going trying to get pregnant?" they say nothing at all. And after a time, it feels like people forget that we have this huge ache in our hearts, unless we constantly remind them...which feels like complaining or calling for a constant pity-party. I kind of feel sorry for those who are close to us because they can't win for losing when it comes to "how to deal" with us and "our situation".

In the being kind by not mentioning it, our hurt gets forgotten, it seems. And I just don't have the heart to remind people that we carry a constant ache when it comes to children (or the lack thereof). When someone happens to remember or notice....well, it means the world.

Last night at church, one of the boys in my Sunday School class approached me. He might be ten years old, but he loves babies and little children and is good at watching them even at his young age. He came up to me after the service last night and said, "Miss Glenna, when are you going to have a baby so I can come baby-sit?" It was a question that both pierced my heart but also made me smile. "Well, Caleb," I answered, "We really want a baby, but God has not given us one yet. We pray and pray that He will bless us with a baby, but for right now we have to trust that He is being wise in saying 'no'." I then steered the conversation to another woman in the church who would certainly love to let him watch her baby while she got some things done at home.

It kind of made my heart ache, but at the same felt strangely good to have it acknowledged that we still do not have children. It sounds weird, I know. But maybe you know what I mean. It also sounds terribly selfish to need to be noticed....I realize this. But, part of my reason for this site is to hash out my feelings about infertility. Other people have accepted our infertility and moved on, but obviously we have not. Can I just say that instead of being bothered and annoyed by a ten year old's innocent question....I felt strangely blessed??

A post about Mother's Day is forthcoming....