Monday, May 7, 2007

noticed

I think one of the difficult parts of infertility is that people don't know how to treat me. They know we have been unable to have children, and so instead of offending us by constantly asking "how's it going trying to get pregnant?" they say nothing at all. And after a time, it feels like people forget that we have this huge ache in our hearts, unless we constantly remind them...which feels like complaining or calling for a constant pity-party. I kind of feel sorry for those who are close to us because they can't win for losing when it comes to "how to deal" with us and "our situation".

In the being kind by not mentioning it, our hurt gets forgotten, it seems. And I just don't have the heart to remind people that we carry a constant ache when it comes to children (or the lack thereof). When someone happens to remember or notice....well, it means the world.

Last night at church, one of the boys in my Sunday School class approached me. He might be ten years old, but he loves babies and little children and is good at watching them even at his young age. He came up to me after the service last night and said, "Miss Glenna, when are you going to have a baby so I can come baby-sit?" It was a question that both pierced my heart but also made me smile. "Well, Caleb," I answered, "We really want a baby, but God has not given us one yet. We pray and pray that He will bless us with a baby, but for right now we have to trust that He is being wise in saying 'no'." I then steered the conversation to another woman in the church who would certainly love to let him watch her baby while she got some things done at home.

It kind of made my heart ache, but at the same time....it felt strangely good to have it acknowledged that we still do not have children. It sounds weird, I know. But maybe you know what I mean. It also sounds terribly selfish to need to be noticed....I realize this. But, part of my reason for this site is to hash out my feelings about infertility. Other people have accepted our infertility and moved on, but obviously we have not. Can I just say that instead of being bothered and annoyed by a ten year old's innocent question....I felt strangely blessed??

A post about Mother's Day is forthcoming....

xoxoxox,
glenna

3 comments:

Heidi said...

For what it is worth Glenna, I pray for you every day. I don't remind you as often as I should but I have not forgotten your struggle. All this is NOT to say what a great prayer warrior I am for you and William...it is just because I know others who would say the same thing.

Ranelle said...

I echo Heidi. I know the two of us are close so I sort of don't count but there are SO many who think, ache and pray for the two of you. To say I can only imagine how you feel would be a lie. All I know is that I can identify with longing or deferred hope and it truly does make the heart sick. Praise God there's a better day coming,what-ever that looks like.The funny thing about deferred hope is that there is still the word "hope." I love the both of you very much.

The Williams said...

and i have to agree with heidi and ranelle. we are praying for you guys in your ministry as well right now, and you know that i pray especially for your heart every day, but just remember caleb when things get hard in life. people love you and caleb is probably sitting at home right now praying for you and mr. william (or pastor william...whatever) to have a baby. i love you, glenna!