Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Nervous

I have my regular, yearly check-up tomorrow with my obgyn. I'm not nervous about the appointment itself, but it's my first time to see my doctor since August of last year when she gave me the results of our last tests and HSG (Hysterosalpingogram. You know you're infertile when you can pronounce AND spell that word!). My doctor had referred us to St. Louis to an infertility clinic. We thought about it for a couple of months. And a few more months. And then it turned into nearly year. We never went to St. Louis because we just couldn't get "there" emotionally. I know--it sounds like a flimsy excuse. But, unless you are facing reproductive assistance, you may not quite understand.

Now has come a time where we are comfortable with pursuing IntraUterine Insemination, otherwise known as IUI. A minimally invasive procedure (among infertility reproductive technology), this procedure simply puts the sperm as close to the egg(s) as possible, in hope of naturally occurring conception. We have been told by two doctors that this is a good option for us. And while the success rates are not as fabulous as I would like for them to be, we thought we would give it a shot before we commit to an unknown time frame where we would be wholly devoted to adoption, feeling free to opt out of infertility treatment while pursuing adoption. Even if it doesn't work, we'll at least know that we tried before potentially signing an adoption contract that asks us to refrain from infertility treatment while committed to the adoption process.

Here's why I am nervous. I know my doctor will ask why we have not gone to St. Louis. I don't know if I can put it into words exactly why we have not done this, although I can think of many reasons/excuses right off the top of my head. And really, it's more discomfort on my part rather than my husband's. I can't really put it into words other than to say: I don't want to go and have to redo all the testing, have multiple visits to tell us what we already know, have brand new work-ups to simply get us to the point where the doctor is ready to do the IUI. Not to mention that we are two and a half hours (at least) from this clinic, which will require many trips back and forth, nights in hotels (that we can't afford), among other inconveniences. Wouldn't it all be worth it, you might ask? Sure, if it works. Which is no guarantee. My doctor here said that she has done IUI's in the past and could feasibly do ours, but she is more comfortable sending people to St. Louis.

So she can do it. But will she? That is the question I'm nervous about. If she consents, I'd like to do it the month of August, if possible. I will start working again about mid August, so it will be hard to get to my appointments anyway, but I can manage it much better than if I had to get to St. Louis.

But, let's not put the cart before the horse. Pray for me tomorrow. I'm not very brave in front of doctors and don't know how to be pushy when I need to be. I'll update when I have news to write about. I always cry after going to the obgyn because there has always been some negative news or reminders about our infertility. For that reason alone, I dread my check-ups. They make me sad.

xoxoxo,
-glenna-

3 comments:

Heidi said...

praying...

The Williams said...

we're praying for you today. much love.

Lauren said...

always praying.