Thursday, July 12, 2007

tears, for a different reason

I had a chat with my doctor yesterday about our options as far as pursuing an IUI is concerned. Thankfully, she was very kind and positive about doing the procedure for us. I swallowed tears around the huge lump in my throat as I explained that coming around to an IUI was a difficult decision--that people often say "Why don't you just DO it? What's taking so long?" I told her that emotionally it was a hard place to come to. She nodded and said, "You know, Glenna, infertility patients are under the same amount and type of emotional stress that chemotherapy patients are under! No wonder it's hard to come to a decision--you're under a lot of stress!" I so appreciated her empathy.

My doctor (who I'll refer to as Dr. C. from now on) needs to meet with a colleague who performs IUI's more frequently than she does, so she is supposed to call me in a couple of days to figure out the timing of it all. We will most likely combine the IUI with a round of Clomid, a common fertility drug to make sure we've got all our eggs in one basket, so to speak (pun intended). If my body cooperates, we'll begin this process about mid-August, which will put the actual IUI procedure in late August. I used to think that I would keep all of this as private as could be, but so many people know of our inferitility, that I know they will want to know details and results as they happen. For that reason....I guess privacy is one thing that goes out the window, along with dreams of "easy" conception. It's just part of infertility, I guess. I've accepted that, and I'd rather have people praying specifically for us at specific times than to leave everyone in the dark for the sake of my privacy.

It's a tricky thing--pursuing reproductive assistance. I know many people out there think that pursuing treatment is evidence of a lack of faith in God. And in some ways, I suppose it could be. It was for me for a long time...which is why I put off the option of IUI. I needed to get to a point where I am trusting God to provide children, not modern medicine. And yet, I think infertility can be described as a "condition" in the same way that many bodily issues are. We simply have parts of our body that don't function the way they were "intended" to function. My husband has a pancreas that does not work. At all. If he did not take insulin daily, he would die. His medication, through the grace of God, keeps him alive. That might be an oversimplistic or faulty analogy, because with reproductive organs--a LIFE is the goal or end result, not simply overall health. I have wrestled over and over with whether or not having reproductive assistance is the "right" decision. Are we reflecting that we are not trusting God with our fertility? At this point, we are comfortable pursuing some help. We are not "creating" life. We are simply trying to make the conditions more favorable for conception to take place.

Ultimately, though....we know that it lies in the hands of a Sovereign God. No matter how easily or with difficulty life seems to be conceived, it is always a miracle at the hand of a mighty Creator. So, if the IUI fails the first or second time, we'll know that it was not what God had for us. And we'll move towards adoption more aggressively. Not that adoption is a sure-fire thing. God may say "no" in that area as well, which will mean that we have to simply wait or accept "no".

I will say, though, that I left Dr. C.'s office yesterday with tears in my eyes, but for the first time in a long time they were tears of hope, not despair.

I will keep you all updated as things unfold. We COVET your prayers! We want to guard our hearts, to be cautiously excited, but to NOT stake all our hopes in a procedure. We want to continue looking to the Father for the miracle of life. We want to rest in His sovereignty, even if He continues to say "no". Please pray that He WOULD grant us this request of a child or children--we ask boldly for that daily. But also pray for us should His answer be "no". We still want to walk faithfully in obedience to Him.
And as a woman, I covet prayers for myself emotionally. It is a tough thing to walk through without my heart being exposed and vulnerable. I feel entirely exposed.

Thanks for praying for me yesterday.



Chris Veteto said...

Hi Honey,

I read your blog the other day and was moved to tears, because I hurt when my little girl hurts. You know, when you were a small child and you came to me with a scraped knee or you were frightend by a storm, I could kiss your tears away and everything was right with your world. Oh, that it were that simple now.
As I watch and pray while you and William go through this difficult trial, I am comforted to know that you are going to your Heavenly Father with your pain with your fear and asking Him to kiss your tears away. II Cor. 1:5 says,"For just as the sufferings of Christ are ours in abundance, so also our comfort is abundant through Christ."
Glenna, God in His infinite wisdom is using this trial to mature your faith and further conform you the image of His Son. Your struggle with infertility has caused you to seek Him and lean on Him in ways you never would have had your circumstances been different. I know that you are learning from day to day that His grace is truly sufficient.
I am able to smile through my tears, because I "... know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love [Him], to those who are called according to His purpose." So you keep smiling through your tears, too, Honey, because in His perfect time and in His perfect way you will hold in your arms your precious baby and my precious grandchild. He or she will always know that they are a miracle and a gift from God. They'll know because you and I will remind them over and over again.

All my love and my prayers every day, Mama

Glenna Marshall said...

Hey Mama,
You make me cry!!

It has much to do with how you and Dad raised me that I would go to the Father with all of this. God has richly blessed me with a Biblical foundation that has given me much strength to endure. William and I are so encouraged by your prayers for us. We long for the day to see our prayers answered with life, but we will find joy in the journey as we are being molded into the image of Christ throughout our hardships.

I love you and am so very thankful for you and Dad. Thank you--your words have encouraged me so much!


In Search of Morning Sickness said...

Just want to stop by and say it's a brave and sometimes scary thing to tell your friends (& whatever audience reads your blog) about your current choice of pursuing IUIs. It's never as easy decision, although some come to it faster than others. I agree with you, though, just as BBT temping can be an idol or faith-less option to a woman just trying to get pregnant "faster", medical intervention can be that for the IF woman. It differs for each one. I look forward to reading how the months progress. If you've never done clomid before and you're very sensitive to drugs, know that it can make your emotions very volatile (it didnt do anything to me emotionally.
Good luck in proceeding forward. Oh - and I thought your pancreas/insulin WAS a good analogy because it DID directly effect LIFE since you said your husband would die w/o it. God is still the creator of life, treating IF is trying to right a wrongly functioning organ!