I had a chat with my doctor yesterday about our options as far as pursuing an IUI is concerned. Thankfully, she was very kind and positive about doing the procedure for us. I swallowed tears around the huge lump in my throat as I explained that coming around to an IUI was a difficult decision--that people often say "Why don't you just DO it? What's taking so long?" I told her that emotionally it was a hard place to come to. She nodded and said, "You know, Glenna, infertility patients are under the same amount and type of emotional stress that chemotherapy patients are under! No wonder it's hard to come to a decision--you're under a lot of stress!" I so appreciated her empathy.
My doctor (who I'll refer to as Dr. C. from now on) needs to meet with a colleague who performs IUI's more frequently than she does, so she is supposed to call me in a couple of days to figure out the timing of it all. We will most likely combine the IUI with a round of Clomid, a common fertility drug to make sure we've got all our eggs in one basket, so to speak (pun intended). If my body cooperates, we'll begin this process about mid-August, which will put the actual IUI procedure in late August. I used to think that I would keep all of this as private as could be, but so many people know of our inferitility, that I know they will want to know details and results as they happen. For that reason....I guess privacy is one thing that goes out the window, along with dreams of "easy" conception. It's just part of infertility, I guess. I've accepted that, and I'd rather have people praying specifically for us at specific times than to leave everyone in the dark for the sake of my privacy.
It's a tricky thing--pursuing reproductive assistance. I know many people out there think that pursuing treatment is evidence of a lack of faith in God. And in some ways, I suppose it could be. It was for me for a long time...which is why I put off the option of IUI. I needed to get to a point where I am trusting God to provide children, not modern medicine. And yet, I think infertility can be described as a "condition" in the same way that many bodily issues are. We simply have parts of our body that don't function the way they were "intended" to function. My husband has a pancreas that does not work. At all. If he did not take insulin daily, he would die. His medication, through the grace of God, keeps him alive. That might be an oversimplistic or faulty analogy, because with reproductive organs--a LIFE is the goal or end result, not simply overall health. I have wrestled over and over with whether or not having reproductive assistance is the "right" decision. Are we reflecting that we are not trusting God with our fertility? At this point, we are comfortable pursuing some help. We are not "creating" life. We are simply trying to make the conditions more favorable for conception to take place.
Ultimately, though....we know that it lies in the hands of a Sovereign God. No matter how easily or with difficulty life seems to be conceived, it is always a miracle at the hand of a mighty Creator. So, if the IUI fails the first or second time, we'll know that it was not what God had for us. And we'll move towards adoption more aggressively. Not that adoption is a sure-fire thing. God may say "no" in that area as well, which will mean that we have to simply wait or accept "no".
I will say, though, that I left Dr. C.'s office yesterday with tears in my eyes, but for the first time in a long time they were tears of hope, not despair.
I will keep you all updated as things unfold. We COVET your prayers! We want to guard our hearts, to be cautiously excited, but to NOT stake all our hopes in a procedure. We want to continue looking to the Father for the miracle of life. We want to rest in His sovereignty, even if He continues to say "no". Please pray that He WOULD grant us this request of a child or children--we ask boldly for that daily. But also pray for us should His answer be "no". We still want to walk faithfully in obedience to Him.
And as a woman, I covet prayers for myself emotionally. It is a tough thing to walk through without my heart being exposed and vulnerable. I feel entirely exposed.
Thanks for praying for me yesterday.