Tuesday, August 28, 2007

The Only Infertility Song I've Ever Heard.

I ran across this video on YouTube. All I can say is: have some kleenex handy. You will need it. I find the abortion rates vs. the number of infertile couples really....ironic and painful.

If you are not infertile and you are watching this video, and it evokes some sort of emotion in your heart, mutliply that feeling by about 10,000 and now you know how we feel a lot of the time.
My disclaimer is that of course this song does not highlight the faithfulness and sovereignty of God. I always try to keep His goodness at the forefront of my mind.
But at any rate....here's the only song about infertility that I've ever heard.

Friday, August 24, 2007

it's alright.

As sad and discouraged as I was on Wednesday, I was surprised to have Thursday morning dawn bright and new, and full of the promises of the Word to comfort me. Meditating on the Word has been so good for my soul the past two days. The Lord has really comforted me, and I am thankful to have had so many people praying for me.

I realized that it is not such a bad thing to have to keep praying, keep waiting, and keep learning patience. If anything, it is part of my sanctification. REgardless of how many months we wait, or if we never even see our prayers answered in the way that we want, we know that He is always been faithful and that He always will be faithful. If He can be glorified in this, then so be it.

As far as what's next...well, we wait for the rest of this cycle to come and go. We are praying that pregnancy might occur in spite of our failed attempts to go in for the IUI. Even though I never got a positive test, I am nearly certain that ovulation did occur. So, we are praying for hte next week or two. And then if the answer is "no" then we'll move forward with another round of fertility drugs and hopes of actually doing the IUI. I will be asking my doctor about other means of detecting ovulation.
But...we'll cross that bridge if/when we get to it.

Thank you all for your kind comments and prayers. You are a blessing to me!


Wednesday, August 22, 2007

No IUI this month.

Dr. said that since it's taking so long for me to ovulate, we'll wait out this cycle and try again next time.

More waiting.

I don't want to talk about it.


Monday, August 20, 2007

No news is no news.

Day 21.

As you may have guessed, I am still waiting.
Could it be that Clomid adversely effected my ovaries? I don't know. I'm going to give it a couple more days, per Dr. C., and then I'm calling to see if they can do an ultrasound to see what's going on. I keep thinking, even if I DO ovulate this week, it's SO late...is it even worth it to do the IUI this late in the game? Maybe I should give up the idea of even doing the IUI this month if I'm not responding to the Clomid and am ovulating just as late as I do without the drug.

It's getting hard to keep staring those negative OPK's in the face first thing every morning. It's hard to drag myself back to bed and tell my husband "it's a no" who is anxiously awaiting a positive.

I'm tired.


Friday, August 17, 2007

absent LH surge and missing sleep

I am trying not to get frustrated by my delayed LH surge. For the record, it's day 18, and I had reeaaallly hoped to have this whole thing done and over with at this point. But, that is not what is happening, and there's nothing I can do about it except wait, and try to take every anxious thought captive in obedience to Christ.

My doctor called this morning and left a message on my machine (I was at work) to see how I was doing since she hasn't heard from me in 18 days. I expressed my frustration about the continual negative OPK's, but she said, "Well, you typcially have longer cycles anyway, so I expect it will happen in the next few days. Just call me when as soon as you get a positive! I'm anxiously waiting!" Love her. I love that she called to check on me even though she has a heavy patient load of women who are having babies right and left and making her job easier. And, I love that I called her back and was patched right through. Mentioning the word "infertility" on the phone must strike fear in the heart of the receptionist causing her to page her employer ASAP. :)

An unfortunate part of this waiting period is that anything like this always affects my sleep. Night after night after night I lie awake wondering, digesting every possibility over and over again. I usually try intercepting those thoughts and praying over them instead, but even my prayers become worrisome, pleas of "what if?" So, you can pray about this for me. Pray that I would truly take every worry or care and compare it to what the Word tells me. Like the song from the previous post says "I know the Lord is nigh, and would but cannot pray. For Satan meets me when I try and frights my soul away." You can pray against that!

A welcome distraction to all of this has been work. I began in-service on Wednesday and have been busy every day this week. Open house is tomorrow, followed by a busy Sunday (they always are for those of us in ministry!), and then a day off. I have one more day of in-service on Tuesday, then another day off, and then--school starts on Thursday and I will be working every day at that point. (I'm a teacher's assistant in a 4th and 5th grade class in a local Christian academy, for those who were wondering. I did this for a short time last semester.) All of this will help keep my mind off the wandering LH surge that I am anxiously awaiting. :)

As always, thanks for reading, praying, and for encouraging me with your comments.


Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Words that Comfort

I have been thinking a lot about the words to John Newton's hymn "Help My Unbelief." I need the grace and help to believe even the most basic of truths. As I am waiting still, here are the words that are a comfort to me:

I know the Lord is nigh, and would but cannot pray
For Satan meets me when I try and frights my soul away, and frights my soul away.
I would but can't repent, though I endeavor oft;
This stony heart can ne'er relent till Jesus makes it soft, till Jesus makes it soft.
Help my unbelief, help my unbelief, help my unbelief. My help must come from Thee.

I would but cannot love, though wooed by love divine;
No arguments have pow'r to move a soul so base as mine, a soul as base as mine.
I would but cannot rest, in God's most holy will;
I know what He appoints is best, and murmur at it still, I murmur at it still.
Help my unbelief, help my unbelief, help my unbelief. My help must come from Thee.

Words: John Newton, 1725-1807
Refrain: Clint Wells, 2005
You can hear a clip of this song here.

I love the line "I know what He appoints is best and murmur at it still." How true! I know that what He has appointed for my life is what is truly best and what will bring Him most glory. He is sovereign over my fertility (or lack thereof!) and He is good, even in His possible "no". I'm praying for faith to keep on believing that He is good, that His possible "no" is still a good gift.


Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Not today.

Needless to say, I am getting impatient. I had hopes that the Clomid would speed things up, but obviously I was wrong.

And now, I will most likely have to deal with my work schedule now since I start in-service tomorrow. I do have a couple of days off next week, but surely by then this will all be behind us (says the ever-hopeful me). But, now comes the awkward conversation with my boss about why I need to miss orientation. Thursday would be a GREAT day for an IUI since I only work during the morning on that day. I guess I will pray to that end now.

I think my struggle today is where it has always been--God's timing. I will have to spend some time in the Word today regaining a proper perspective.

Hopefully we'll have news soon....


Saturday, August 11, 2007

some thoughts from my journal this morning

CD12, 5th and final day of Estradiol, negative OPK

"So we are taking one day at a time. With each morning that results in a negative OPK, I get more and more antsy and impatient. I also notice that today I am weepy. I feel that dwelling too much on the possibilities might put me over the edge. But, what immediately comes to mind after writing that are the words "great is Thy faithfulness...morning by morning new mercies I see." Words that steady my restless heart. One of those "mercies" is the overwhelming support we have received from friends, family, church members, even strangers (ahem, online friends, anyone?). By daring to be transparent, we have enjoyed the repercussions of being prayed for and encouraged. My friends and family are constantly asking how I'm feeling on the fertility drugs. They want to be notified when we finally head to Cape for the IUI so they can pray during that time. What a blessing people have been to us lately! I am grateful to God for encouraging us through His people.

It is difficult not to be consumed by this--this endeavor to get pregnant. Already I feel overtaken. I'm trying to rest in contentment in the Lord, but my mind runs rampant, recycling every possibility. And as I've mentioned before (in my journal, but maybe not here), if the Lord grants us a child through this I am nearly convinced it will be twins. Don't know why...other than that that is what the prayer of my heart is. Most of my prayers don't go beyond the plea for children through this IUI. I can't really go over the negative posssibilities without nearly being paralyzed by fear and grief. My heart constantly beats: "It MUST work, it HAS to work." But I know that's not true.

The Lord knows my heart, and may His will be done. But I'm praying that twins are part of His desire."

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Still ticking the days off one by one. I write to keep myself sane during the waiting. I'm sure the two week wait will be much worse. :) I'm drawing much comfort from Lamentations and Romans right now (random, I know, but Romans is where I'm reading right now, and I was directed to Lamentations from another blog, so that's why the two different books.). Whatever the outcome, may God be praised.


Friday, August 10, 2007

Still Waiting...

Still waiting for the smiley face on the OPK. Not yet....so this is taking longer than I thought. I guess I thought the Clomid would really speed things up, but maybe not.

Thankfully I did not have any headaches yesterday--which was a relief because the headaches I was having earlier this week were terrible. Another small thing I'm concerned about is if this takes longer than a few more days and I end up having to schedule the IUI after in-service starts next week (with my job at the Christian Academy). That will be awkward...and hard to get in since I technically can't miss orientation.

So here's a specific thing you can pray for: that I get a smiley face on the stick this weekend (preferably Sunday) so that I can have the IUI on Monday or Tuesday (before in-service starts on Wednesday). I guess I'm worrying too much about the details, and as I laid in bed last night for a long time thinking about the possibilities, tossing & turning because of restlessness, my husband said, "You don't need to be worrying; that's probably not helping your body right now." He's right of course, and I kept praying, "Lord, help me to let go of this and to trust in You." Over and over and over again until I fell asleep. I can't help digesting constantly what "might happen." More often than not, I think that I'm not sure how I'll handle it if the nurse calls with negative results at the end of this. I guess I'm borrowing trouble right now...since we are not at that point yet. See? Yet again....I need to put my hope in Christ, not in this procedure or its outcome.

Trying not to be a nervous wreck....


Tuesday, August 7, 2007

Clomid does not make me crazy. (edited)


I am through with the Clomid and have moved on to the Estradiol. No major side effects, so that is an added blessing.
I have so many thoughts about all of this running through my head, but I'm feeling very private about those since so much of this entire process is known to family and friends. So, instead of sharing here, I'm doing a lot of journaling, praying, laying awake in bed thinking. I have no idea what the outcome will be of the drugs and IUI. I'm anxious for it to all be over; it's just a waiting game entirely. But, this post is just to ensure you that I have not had any major side effects from the drugs (so far).

Keep praying, please...


EDIT, August 8th: But, after 24 hours of Estradiol in my system, I have had a 24 hour headache that I went to sleep with and woke up with. I finally broke down and took something for it.
Aleve, take me away!!