Saturday, August 11, 2007

some thoughts from my journal this morning

CD12, 5th and final day of Estradiol, negative OPK

"So we are taking one day at a time. With each morning that results in a negative OPK, I get more and more antsy and impatient. I also notice that today I am weepy. I feel that dwelling too much on the possibilities might put me over the edge. But, what immediately comes to mind after writing that are the words "great is Thy faithfulness...morning by morning new mercies I see." Words that steady my restless heart. One of those "mercies" is the overwhelming support we have received from friends, family, church members, even strangers (ahem, online friends, anyone?). By daring to be transparent, we have enjoyed the repercussions of being prayed for and encouraged. My friends and family are constantly asking how I'm feeling on the fertility drugs. They want to be notified when we finally head to Cape for the IUI so they can pray during that time. What a blessing people have been to us lately! I am grateful to God for encouraging us through His people.

It is difficult not to be consumed by this--this endeavor to get pregnant. Already I feel overtaken. I'm trying to rest in contentment in the Lord, but my mind runs rampant, recycling every possibility. And as I've mentioned before (in my journal, but maybe not here), if the Lord grants us a child through this I am nearly convinced it will be twins. Don't know why...other than that that is what the prayer of my heart is. Most of my prayers don't go beyond the plea for children through this IUI. I can't really go over the negative posssibilities without nearly being paralyzed by fear and grief. My heart constantly beats: "It MUST work, it HAS to work." But I know that's not true.

The Lord knows my heart, and may His will be done. But I'm praying that twins are part of His desire."

... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ...

Still ticking the days off one by one. I write to keep myself sane during the waiting. I'm sure the two week wait will be much worse. :) I'm drawing much comfort from Lamentations and Romans right now (random, I know, but Romans is where I'm reading right now, and I was directed to Lamentations from another blog, so that's why the two different books.). Whatever the outcome, may God be praised.



The Williams said...

glenna, i prayed for you this morning and i'm praying especially for tomorrow (monday) so that you can go to cape before you start to inservice. i know that God cares about the details. He always does. I pray that God will continue to lead you to the scriptures for comfort...that really is our only comfort. i love you so much and i pray that through all of this, the Lord is glorified. (i know He will be;)).

amy said...

I think I could've written this post. We sang "great is thy faithfulness" tonight at our home group and it just totally reminded me of how faithful our God truly is. And I love how you said the "repercussions of being prayed for" because the consequence of letting people into your life is that they are in your life. But we know the Lord calls us to share our lives with a community of believers and it is truly a blessing to have that support and encouragement.
Good luck with the IUI.


Me said...

I can empathize with your emotions. I am praying that God will calm your heart during this anxious time and grant you the desires of your heart.

In Search of Morning Sickness said...

Oh how I have been here!!! My first IUI I was just so SURE it would work I don't even think I considered the possibility of it not!!! Praise the Lord though, He faithfully leads and gives fresh grace to walk through every trial and turn our self-focused hearts on His character.

When friends ask how I'm feeling about IVF now, I can say: Even though IVF is new territory for us - and much better odds than we've ever had, we just can't feel like "Here is our end to this trial." We are cautiously expectant. It's hard to balance out the right emotions: What is guarding your heart from hoping and in an ungodly way protecting it from that faith in God? Yet what's a true realization that God's ultimate goal is not necessarily pregnancy? It's a tough balance. Faith and trust.

I have taken a long time to realized for me, succeeding isn't about getting pregnant. It's about cherishing Christ. John Piper's "Don't Waste Your Cancer" was so good for me to read in light of IF because some mind-traps I really had fallen into.

That all said, you truly sound like you're seeking Christ above all even your own heart's strong desires, and so I know He will lead you guys. The waiting for this IUI has got to be hard, and the temptation to be fearful always around the corner. But I love what Andrea said about meditating on hymns. Make it your anthem, if you will.

I AM praying for you and William. Maybe it's your transparency in your Christian walk with IF, but I feel a kinship to you and I have been there!