I know someone out there is wanting an update, so I figured I would let you in on my little secret: another month of hopes has ended in a sea of tears and despair. It hits me harder some months than others. I wonder why, after some 42 failed cycles, I would not be accustomed to the disappointment. I wondered that today. So did William. It's hard to look in one another's eyes and speak about hope when our hearts are so visibly broken. I can barely see through the sheen of tears to even write these words. I was so hoping that we would be celebrating some sort of miracle this time.....which is what I hope every month. In desperation, I think, "It's not like we're asking for that much, Lord! It's not like we're asking to be rich or famous. We just want to be parents." But, maybe all He is asking us for is patience.
So many have asked us, "What now?" Truthfully, I do not know. It would be easier if someone would just say, "Glenna, do this. This is what is best, this is what is right." I would gladly let someone make the decision--any decision, at this point. William and I both go back and forth--adoption? reproductive assistance? nothing? What to do...
We do have some tentative plans, but because we change our minds so much, we are kind of keeping things to ourselves at the moment. When we feel like we can act on our decision, we will let you know what the plans are. I can tell you this--no medication or assistance for the rest of this year. That much I do know. Other than that, give me a couple of weeks or so.
This is just not something I thought I would still be dealing with nearly four years from the starting point. Some days, like today, the sheer weight of it threatens to crush me completely. It is at this time that I can't help but cry out, "How long, O Lord?"
"So I say, 'My strength has perished,
And so has my hope from the LORD.'
Remember my affliction and my wandering, the wormwood and bitterness.
Surely my soul remembers and is bowed down within me.
This I recall to my mind,
Therefore I have hope.
The LORD'S lovingkindnesses indeed never cease,
For His compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
Great is Your faithfulness.
'The LORD is my portion,' says my soul,
Therefore I have hope in Him.'
The LORD is good to those who wait for Him,
To the person who seeks Him.
It is good that he waits silently
For salvation of the LORD.
It is good for a man that he should bear the yoke in his youth.
Let him sit alone and be silent since He has laid it on him.
Let him put his mouth in the dust,
Perhaps there is hope...
For the Lord will not reject forever,
For if He causes grief, then He will have compassion
According to His abundant lovingkindness.
For He does not afflict willingly or grieve the sons of men....
Who is there who speaks and it comes to pass,
Unless the Lord has commanded it?
Is it not from the mouth of the Most High that both good and ill go forth?"
Lamentations 3:18-29 31-33, 37-38
Please uphold us in your prayers as you always do. And, if you know me other than through this blog, please don't call right now. I am needing some time. Thanks.