Thursday, March 6, 2008

the baby blues (of the infertility variety)

I am very excited about our adoption. You all know that. At times my enthusiasm could benefit from a little suppression. But, for some reason, the baby blues still continue. Perhaps it's simply because, although we are expecting to bring a baby home through adoption, we still don't have a child yet.

Babies and pregnancies still send a pang of sadness through my being. I...still hurt. I think for a few weeks, I was leaning on the thrill of our plans to adopt. The hope of actually becoming a mother was enough to bring a smile to my lips. But, as reality has settled in I find myself chafing under the process of paperwork and screening and waiting. I go back and forth between the emotions of longing to bear a child and yet, I have become inexplicably attached to this--someone--whom we may bring home through adoption. In a sequential sense, adoption was our "Plan B," I guess. Not that we think one way of bringing a baby into the family is better than the other. We had always planned to adopt. I just thought one way would follow the other.

The other day I listened to this sermon by John Piper on adoption. I made the mistake of listening to it in parts while getting ready for work in the mornings. Try putting on eye makeup and listening to the beautiful way that adoption models the gospel!! I kept having to reapply. Piper encouraged me to see adoption not as inferior to biologically adding to one's family...it's just different. I know that. It's just good to hear it from a person who has done it both ways.

I know that adoption doesn't "fix" our infertility and that our adopted child is in no way a mere substitution for a biological child. The child we adopt will be the child that God chose before the foundations of the world to be ours to raise. Let that sink in. I have to stop myself and make statements like that so that I don't lose perspective. Oh, perspective, what a necessary friend you are. When I can step back and take a good, hard look at my life, I can see a beauty in what God has planned. In His wounding us with infertility, He has done the thing that HAS to bring Him the most glory, the thing that is best for US. And, I believe that He wounds that He might bring blessed healing.

It's in the little moments of pregnancy announcements and baby showers and unintentional painful references to our "free time" because we don't have children that I begin to doubt that any of this can be good.

And then, last night, I dreamt that I was holding our adopted baby. I was sad to wake up and find him to be only the substance of a deep sleep. Love doesn't come just because a baby is born of your body. Love is present because God--Who IS Love--graciously gives it to us.

A rambling post...but I was told I needed to update more regularly (Al!), so I thought I'd let you know what's going on in my mind today.

XOXOX,
glenna

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
We are in the midst of our paperwork. Conveniently, it is all done online which expedites the process. I'm not sure how much there is to do, but we are working our way through it.

8 comments:

andrea_jennine said...

I listened to that message by Piper about a year ago, and I was really moved by it.

Lauren said...

Hi Glenna, yes you can add me to your blog, and I'll add you to mine as well, if that's ok.

I stumbled on your blog a while back but haven't visited in a while. I didn't know you were in the adoption process. I'm looking forward to going back and reading about how you came to this decision. This post is beautiful and encouraging to me.

gracechild said...

Hey Glenna, I'm sort of where yo are right now in that i'm having real vivid dreams about my child. Like he/she is just getting closer to being with me :) what I think I may start doing is explore a different leap of faith/hope and start collecting the special little things for my baby ie disney movie collection, a totally adorable outfit, books etc. I haven't started yet but I think next time I come across something unique, i won't just wish i had a child to share it with, i'll go ahead and get it. Sorry this is so long

Lena said...

Ahh.. perspective- it's everything really. This year I realized how my perspective changed the way I saw my IF.
I realized that my infertility did not Take God by surprise... in fact I know he is using these circumstances to bring about the child he has promised me.
and Even though I know this... I struggle still with what I deeply long and desire.
In this way we mourn the loss of a dream... and by reading this post this is what I sense in your words. I love how you describe your feelings... it's right where i'm at actually.
I know I don't understand the feeling of NEVER being able to have kids of my own (because I have two kids already)
But I do understand the loss of a dream...

God's blessing

Lauren said...

Ok, I just read back and got myself up to date on where you are in this. I'm very excited to read about your adoption process! Please keep us updated. Those of us still in the "TTC" world never know if we might be in your shoes one day. Regardless, it's refreshing to hear your adoption story so steeped in faith in God's perfect plans.

Fertilized said...

Glenna- Wonderful, warm, normal thoughts running throught your brain. I love your updates

The Williams said...

hey. marie and i were looking at pictures of glenna and ricky on facebook in the snow and i said to her "did you know glenna and ricky are going to have a baby?" she said "really?!?!" she was so excited that you were going to have a little baby like baby dillon ;) i thought that might make your day. i love you.

Allison said...

:(

life sometimes does seem to be "two steps forward, one step back..." not to even DESIRE to conjure up images of paula abdul's song which references this...

glenna -- thanks for the update, i was waiting for one. but i'm sad when you sound disheartened, even when we know it's momentarily speaking.

you WILL be a mom -- i'm already SO IMPRESSED with how quickly you've powered through an intimidating pile of paperwork and yes, i know, crawling around on the floors for measurements, doesn't seem to be a fair criteria for having a baby, but so much about expanding our families simply isn't. be it pills or shots or thousands of dollars....or, measurements, meetings, and thousands of dollars :(

speaking of money -- i hope your church is still a source of encouragement to you as they invest into your future baby, little by little!!! what a huge blessing...

it's in the lulls, the down moments, the waiting....that Satan is so easily capable of reminding us of our pain. i hope and pray your waiting is SHORT AND QUICK....

even today is one less day separating you from you and your prayers becoming reality!!!!