Saturday, March 15, 2008

what can I say?

I'm still pulling myself out of a fog. Sometimes it is glaringly obvious that God is showing me He is faithful. The rest of the time I merely shut my eyes to His apparent goodness.

Things with adoption are going well...quickly, even. Our first homestudy visit (1 of 3) is tentatively scheduled for March 26th. That was a lot quicker than I was expecting, but I will most definitely take it. I have a lot to do to get the house in order, although I doubt our S.W. will take her walk through on the very first visit. Our guest room is in shambles since we've been giving it a much needed face lift. The walls are painted and the crown molding is back up (as of today), but I cannot say the same for the chair rail and baseboards that are laying across the coverless bed. The carpet is going to be ripped up as well to expose the hardwood beneath...and well, I can't imagine getting all of that done in addition to a thorough cleaning of the house before the meeting! Oh well. We'll just do what we can do.

I'm almost embarrassed to say that we went shopping for baby furniture last night! We ate dinner out and talked about our first purchase for "our" was exciting to finally be making this step. My parents sent a check to furnish the nursery (they are the greatest parents ever) so we were eager to go ahead and buy what we've been eyeing for a while. I still feel like a kid sneaking into the candy shop when we visit the baby aisles. We have nothing to show for being there--no registry in our hand that would signify shopping for someone else, no pregnant belly stating the obvious, no infant in our arms to show we really deserve to be there. It's still a bit strange.

Unfortunately, "out of stock" are my new least favorite words. Apparently what we chose is very hard to find, so we came home with nothing after shopping. I was disappointed. I had been looking forward to putting the furniture together and finally having something tangible to remind me that we are going to become parents. When I'm discouraged, as I've been lately, I'd like to run my hand over the rails of the crib and hope for the child who will one day sleep there. I want to sit in the glider and imagine what it would be like to rock our baby in the wee hours of the morning. But, that will come. I'm sure we'll find a store that is actually carrying what we want, and we'll get it home and set up long before the baby comes home. I've just been a little short on patience for the last 4 years.

Things are going, moving, propelling us toward the day that we long for. It's hard to believe we are actually going through with this. It feels like it's going by quickly...while at the same time not happening fast enough. I am still struggling with pregnancies and baby bellies and showers and all the like, but I'm trying to hang on to what I know: God's plan is good. I may not "get it" all the time, but I can believe it because His Word says it's true.

Happy weekend.



Fertilized said...

THank you for writing so openly. It is helping me because We now have a crib in our house and I will tell you i quite panicked today as it was unloaded at put in the spare bedroom. My husband reminded me that this will be our tangible reminder unti lit is filled. We can pray over it and hope that it will soon be filled with a happy, healthy little one.

Same applies for you! You just figured it out before me.

Good luck getting all you need to get ready before your SW meeting . And God Bless parents

andrea_jennine said...

Good for you, doing some shopping for the child you are going to have! Sorry the things weren't in stock, but I hope you find them soon.

And I'm sure your social worker will understand a little home renovation in process!

Missy Beutler said...

when you hold your baby for the first time, you will "get it." i can promise you that! i cant wait til that moment comes for you. i completely relate to everything you are feeling now. its an awkward place to be. shopping for baby things, but not really sure you should be. people wanting you to be excited, and you are, but also so scared. just hang on. it will all make sense to you when you hold your little one. let me know if i can do anything in the meantime. want to come to stlouis to baby shop?? :)

Lauren said...

I'm excited for you to be able to shop for baby stuff, even if it feels a little strange. How exciting to know that a baby will be coming your way soon! You have every right to be in the baby aisles! Go crazy!

Bonnie said...

I can't wait to be where you are - even with all the insecurities! God is showing me that it is going to be okay to adopt, I have so many fears! But he is so good to be patient with me and bring me along to realize that infertility is not His plan B for us, but this is His Plan! I really struggle with this idea sometimes, but as I am stared to embrace it - my anger is slipping away.

TW said...

I think that you and your DH uniquely get the big picture. The loss of the dream of carrying your own child IS painful and raw and even the adoption should not entirely erase the long term grief of that. You hit the nail on the head - God has a plan for you in His timing and you trust Him. I don't think that means that He expects you to just be okay all of a sudden. It is a process.

Enjoy baby shopping and consider doing as fertilized does with their crib. I pray that God would grant you both peace and comfort for your loss and rich rejoicing in His plan.


gracechild said...

Sometimes God is "out of stock". You can't find in that particular store, but you know its out there somewhere & its what you want & its good for you. Stay positive Glenna & start whipping up some major excitement for your kid cuz you know he/she is on the way. I always remember you in my prayers. Have you tried an online search for the particular crib?

Natalie Henman said...

Hi - discovered your blog today...

Everything of the best getting everything sorted before the SW comes to visit!

We are also newbies on the waiting list. Been on the list since Jan this year. DH and I live in South Africa...

will def pop in again