Let me see if I can do this in bullet form. That may be easier to read.
- Before going into our appointment, we sat in the car and prayed that God would give us clear direction about our options. We prayed that there would be an option that we would pursue, but if there wasn't, that we'd know what to do. It was good to go into that appointment knowing that we had set boundaries and that one way or another, we'd soon know what our next step would be in growing our family.
- After reviewing our medical records from our past doctors and tests, Dr. W. felt that our only option for conceiving was through ICSI. Click here for a short definition of this procedure. After he explained his reasoning, we knew he was probably right on his prognosis. "Can you get pregnant?" he asked. "Yes, with ICSI. Can you get pregnant without ICSI? You have probably one shot of pregnancy in 15-20 years of trying." I promise those were his words. It was really hard to hear that, to hear someone tell us that it is unlikely that we conceive without ART. From this point on, I listened with what I hope was a neutral look on my face all the while telling myself "Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry." When we were safely outside of the clinic, I immediately burst into tears. I just knew that ICSI wasn't for us, although we weren't going to make any decisions right off the bat. I could tell, though, that William was feeling the same way.
- We drove around St. Louis and talked. (I cried a lot.)
- We ate dinner at St. Louis Bread Co. (I tried hard not to cry a lot.)
- We drove home hand in hand, in a silence only interrupted by my sniffling. (I cried A LOT.)
- When we arrived home, we embraced and both wept. It was a hard night. We didn't have to say much to know what was coming. The unrest in both of our hearts was enough to know that we didn't want to pursue ICSI.
- Now that a week as gone by, we have spent many hours talking about our options--both of them: ICSI or adoption. After praying and talking, talking and praying, we have decided to pursue adoption.
- I know that there are many ethical ways of handling ICSI. Please don't think that I would criticize any of you who have utilized or are considering ICSI. We just decided that with all of the drugs I would have to take, with the actual science of it that we're a bit uncertain about, and the $10,000 price tag that it just wasn't the best decision for us. This is not to say that we wouldn't consider it in the future. Who knows what advances may be made in the next couple of years? We have many child-bearing years left, so there are still options in the future for us, Lord willing. But, for now, we are laying that to rest.
- There is something so freeing in ceasing our pursuit of infertility treatment. Though we will still pray for natural children--because we serve Christ, who can raise the dead! With Him all things are possible!--it is such a release to let go of charts and temperatures, obsessing about timing and symptoms, and living my life in two week increments. Though I grieve the death of a dream in many ways, I can't tell you what a relief it is to move on. I didn't think I would be reacting this way, so I know that this peace is a gift of God.
- After all of this happened, we received news of Amber's death (see previous post). Amber was a friend who had encouraged me greatly in my sadness and grief of infertility. She too had walked this road. Knowing that adoption was in my heart, Amber encouraged me in that area, as well. I have looked back over her emails from last year and can see how God is using her even now to nudge me down the road of adoption. Her death gave both William and me a sense of urgency. Not even knowing how many days she had with her sweet children (both of whom are adopted), she was a wonderful wife and mother. I know she loved her children immensely. That has given me courage to walk the road of adoption. I can't explain it, but I am thankful for the passion to pursue adoption. I know that the Father of Lights has put that in our hearts for a purpose.
- Speaking of our Lord, I am so very thankful for the peace that is ruling my heart. I expected to be a disaster after all of this. I expected to wallow in grief at the prospect of being told we'll probably never conceive. And, don't get me wrong--I did grieve. I still do. I will continue to do so at times. BUT--He is FAITHFUL! Christ has given me hope in HIM, not in children or pregnancy. He is using infertility for GOOD in my life. I cannot explain it--it can only be a miracle--He has given me the ability to praise Him for His "no" to our prayers for natural conception. He has given and He has taken away, and He is blessed! My heart simply overflows with love and affection for our Savior who has carried my sorrows and my grief. I do now know how I would walk this road without Him. His grace astounds me.
- So, what's next? Well, we are trying to decide on which agency we will use. We have narrowed down our options and are making our final decision soon. We decided on the domestic infant program, which means that Lord willing, we will be adopting an infant with the U.S. We love the idea of international adoption, but we feel for our first adoption that we will pursue domestic.
- What happens to this blog? Nothing. I will keep on writing because this is my infertility blog, and I am still infertile! :) The venue may change as adoption becomes less an idea and more of a reality, but I will still keep up this site and write. I have had too many people email and comment about how they need a kindred spirit inside of the infertility world. I know infertility can be a lonely place. For now, I will not go away. :)
Thank you for commenting and praying. While it may seem that our journey towards growing our family biologically is over, it's not. We do know that God can do anything. We will still pray for that. But, we also believe that He has adoption in His plans for us. We pray that by His grace and mercy He will bless us with the child that we so desire and yearn to love--the child who needs us to be his or her parents.
Any questions? I'd be glad to address them. If they are more personal (in regards to our appt.) please email me at glennadmarshallAThotmailDOTcom.
Blessings. The Lord is good--trust in Him!!
O Love that will not let me go,
I rest my weary soul in Thee.
I give Thee back the life I owe,
That in Thine ocean depths its flow
May richer, fuller be!!