Thursday, October 29, 2009

::despair::

Oh, how I wish my heart were always as full as it was when I penned the previous post.  Today, however, my heart is full of despair at what feels unjust.  Remind me, Lord, that is good simply to be near You. 

PSALM 73
 1Surely God is good to Israel,
       to those who are pure in heart.  2 But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
       I had nearly lost my foothold.
 3 For I envied the arrogant
       when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
 4 They have no struggles;
       their bodies are healthy and strong. 
 5 They are free from the burdens common to man;
       they are not plagued by human ills.
 6 Therefore pride is their necklace;
       they clothe themselves with violence.
 7 From their callous hearts comes iniquity;
       the evil conceits of their minds know no limits.
 8 They scoff, and speak with malice;
       in their arrogance they threaten oppression.
 9 Their mouths lay claim to heaven,
       and their tongues take possession of the earth.
 10 Therefore their people turn to them
       and drink up waters in abundance. [c]
 11 They say, "How can God know?
       Does the Most High have knowledge?"
 12 This is what the wicked are like—
       always carefree, they increase in wealth.
 13 Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure;
       in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.
 14 All day long I have been plagued;
       I have been punished every morning.
 15 If I had said, "I will speak thus,"
       I would have betrayed your children.
 16 When I tried to understand all this,
       it was oppressive to me
 17 till I entered the sanctuary of God;
       then I understood their final destiny.
 18 Surely you place them on slippery ground;
       you cast them down to ruin.
 19 How suddenly are they destroyed,
       completely swept away by terrors!
 20 As a dream when one awakes,
       so when you arise, O Lord,
       you will despise them as fantasies.
 21 When my heart was grieved
       and my spirit embittered,
 22 I was senseless and ignorant;
       I was a brute beast before you.
 23 Yet I am always with you;
       you hold me by my right hand.
 24 You guide me with your counsel,
       and afterward you will take me into glory.
 25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
       And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
 26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
       but God is the strength of my heart
       and my portion forever.
 27 Those who are far from you will perish;
       you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
 28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
       I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
       I will tell of all your deeds.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

::from my journal::

dated Tuesday, September 29, 2009

:::
Is this not what I imagined my life to be like?  I'm outdoors on a cool fall morning watching my baby son run around examining the world around him.  He brings me a leaf to examine and I name it for him: "Leaf!"  I pause in my writing to put jackets on both of us as the breeze is quite cool.  The gentle rays of the sun peek out from behind trees to touch my face.  My cup of coffee cools next to me and I have to protect it lest Isaiah drops a leaf or twig in it.  (Smile)  The only one missing is William who is headed to P______ to meet his dad for golf.  I pray his trip is safe and enjoyable for him.


Other than his absence, it is picture perfect.  No...it didn't happen the way I thought it would.  I am still a barren woman, but more than that--the Lord has made me a joyous mother.  I do not deserve such blessing. 


Lord, You have poured out Your grace over me.  Your goodness is so undeserved.  Nothing in me merits such gifts.  Thank You, Father.  How kind You are to me....me--one who deserves only death and destruction, so heavy and damning is my sin.  Yet you have redeemed my life from the pit and made me new.  You have then continued to poor out grace upon grace.  Grace upon grace.  

:::
Today my heart is full.

http://rpc.technorati.com/rpc/ping

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

what's a girl to do?

I was all set to hit up my obgyn for my annual exam on Monday, but thanks to day 1's appearance, I canceled the appointment.  Can't get in to see her until November 21!
I'm not sure what exactly I want to hear from her.  I mean, I'm a year post-op from the surgery to remove my right ovary and tube.  One year since an incredible amount of endometriosis was scraped from my body.  One year since I said good bye to that Stupid Tumor.  One year since my already low reproductive chances were totally skewed.  They were low anyway because of our male factor infertility.  And then there was this whole endometrioma/endometriosis business we didn't even know existed but which played a silent part in our infertility.  Now that that has been corrected, I'm having regular cycles again with little to zero pain.  But our infertility still exists....what can my doctor even offer since I don't want to pursue ARTs?  All she can say is "keep trying."   And "come back if your pain returns."

I'm at least trying to live a healthier lifestyle these days.  I'm doing it for overall health, but maybe it will increase our chances of pregnancy.  It's nothing big...just portion control and running 4-5 days per week.

Other than that and a lot of prayer, what's a girl to do?

-glenna-
http://rpc.technorati.com/rpc/ping

Thursday, August 27, 2009

::in my heart today::

And so another 28 days comes to a dismal end for me today. Although I know our chances of conception "on our own" are ridiculously low, I keep praying and hoping that the Lord will intervene, shattering statistics and diagnoses. I know that He can, but for now it surely seems that He doesn't desire it for us. I'm struggling today as my heart fights despair. The words to this old hymn are rattling around in my mind this morning:

Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee.
Let the water and the blood,
From Thy wounded side which flowed,
Be of sin the double cure,
Save from wrath and make me pure.


Nothing in my hand I bring,
Simply to Thy cross I cling;
Naked come to Thee for dress,
Helpless look to Thee for grace;
Foul I to the fountain fly,
Wash me Savior or I die.


Not the labor of my hands,
Can fulfill Thy law's demands;
Could my zeal no respite know,
Could my tears forever flow,
All for sin could not atone;
Thou must save and Thou alone.


While I draw this fleeting breath,
When my eyes shall close in death,
When I rise to worlds unknown,
And behold Thee on Thy throne,
Rock of Ages cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee.


Could my tears forever flow?
Could my zeal no languor know?
These for sin could not atone;
Thou must save, and Thou alone.
In my hand no price I bring;
Simply to thy cross I cling.


:::

Ah, hope and despair...mingled together and overflowing in my heart.

-glenna-

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

::still linking::

As you can tell, I've done some work to my layout. And in the process I went ahead and deleted my blogrolls. SOooooo...if you want to be added to my link list, please leave a comment with your blog name and which category under which you want to be listed: infertility, adoption, infertility/adoption.
If you left a comment on the previous linking up post, I've got ya.

Friday, August 21, 2009

::linking up::

I so appreciate all of the comments on my last post! I'm so thankful that in some way something I said resonated with you.
:::
It is way past time for me to update my blog roll. If you're an infertility, adoption, or infertility/adoption blogger and would like to be linked on my blog, please leave a comment on this post with your blog name and address as well as which category under which you'd like to be listed.

I look forward to lots of links to add to my rolls! Networking through blogs is a great way to find others who are walking the same path as you.

Blessings!

xoxo
glenna

Monday, August 17, 2009

::what to say to a friend who is dealing with infertility::

A friend sent me a link to this post written by a mom who wants to know how to relate to the infertile woman.
I've thought about this post all morning....there is much I want to say, but there are two specific things the blogger addressed to which I want to respond. I so appreciate her attitude of compassion, wanting to treat her infertile friends with tenderness but not knowing how to do so without flaunting her overflowing quiver of blessings. I guess I can start by addressing that very issue.
:::
When we first began dealing with infertility, I think I had this crazy expectation for the rest of the world to stop reproducing until I could get pregnant. Needless to say, that didn't happen. Not even in my own circle of friends. Despite month after month, year after year of disappointments, people kept getting pregnant and delivering beautiful children. It was a ridiculous notion, of course, and one I never realized I had until I dealt with the bitterness towards my fertile friends that I had allowed to take root in my heart. It wasn't their fault they had no trouble having babies! What I ultimately had to deal with was God's sovereignty over my (in)fertility. Once I got to a place where my wrestling was with the Lord's plan for my life and not how He chooses to bless others, I was able to truly see the blessing of children in the life of others as a wonderful thing for them. My fertile friends shouldn't feel badly about their large families. I hope they know that!

Before adopting Isaiah, however, the constant "mom-talk" was the thing that wounded me so often. As is natural for women when they get together, the talk often goes to parenting (and bragging rights on their littles!). This is perfectly understandable. But, I cannot tell you how many times I felt completely isolated with absolutely nothing to contribute to the conversation. More times than I can count, I often wanted to flee the scene and cry my eyes out. The talk of children, parenting, and especially those who complained about parenting were like a continuous pouring of salt on my openly wounded heart. I can think of a few specific times where my eyes were filled with tears and I surreptitiously backed out of the circle of women.
This is NOT to say that you can't ever talk about your children! That would be absolutely absurd. You should talk about your precious babies! However, if you know an infertile friend is present, keep in mind that the constant mom-talk is a knife to her broken heart. Consider changing the subject from time to time. And whatever you do, don't complain about wanting time to yourself around her. What she wouldn't give to be caught up in the chaos of a house full of children!! Even after becoming a mother to one child, I still long for the chaos of a quiverful!

The other issue that's very close to my heart: adoption. Let me say this loud and clear: Adoption is NOT a cure-all for infertility. It's just not.

Adoption is a totally different, emotionally packed, heartrending, difficult experience. It is not a band-aid for infertility. And while I am an adoption advocate and want to encourage all families (not just infertiles) to at least consider adoption, it is not for everyone. Some people have histories or health problems that will prohibit them from adoption. For others, it is a financial hardship they may never be able to overcome (although that is not the case as often as people tend to believe).

I can't tell you how many people told us to "just adopt". As an adoptive mother, I can tell you that you never "just adopt." It is a purposeful, difficult decision...and one that involves many other people.

When someone who is fertile decides to have a baby, you just make the decision once. Get pregnant. Wait 9 months. Have a baby. Boom...you're a parent. With adoption, you decide over and over and over and over again that you will parent a child. You decide with paperwork, you affirm your decision with personal interviews and questionnaires, you decide again when you are put on a waiting list, when you sign loan papers, you decide again when an adoption plan falls through, again when you relist yourself on a waiting list, when your heart breaks after meeting the woman who wants to place her child with you, when you are placed with a child you are not sure you will be allowed to keep, when you give your heart to a child you didn't bear, when you wait out termination periods, when you finalize in court, when you finally allow yourself to believe that you are this child's adoptive parent. The decision to become an adoptive parent is not one you simply make once. You make it over and over and over again.

I'm definitely not out to make adoption seem insurmountable. It's not. I definitely want to encourage families to pursue adoption. We plan to pursue it again in a couple of years, Lord willing. But, it doesn't heal your infertility. It's not meant to. It's meant to provide a home for a child who needs it. I am still infertile even though I have a beautiful 14 month old son. And on that note, I wouldn't trade him for all the biological children in the world. Had we been fertile, Isaiah wouldn't be my son. Sometimes it's easy to see God's purpose for infertility. Sometimes it's not. What I should make clear is that though adoption seems like the logical step for an infertile couple (from the vantage point of the fertile couple), the two aren't really related. Adoption doesn't exist to make infertile couples parents. It just so happens that infertile couples are often chosen as adoptive parents because adoption does exist. I hope that makes some sense.

Let me break it down for you: don't be quick to suggest adoption to an infertile couple. Chances are they've already thought about adoption. And if the Lord leads them down that path, then so be it. But I can say for myself, that I had to settle some things in my heart before beginning the paperwork. I needed to be able to give my heart completely to the adoption process...to be able to set my pregnancy dreams aside at least for a little while. No amount of recommendations to "just adopt" is going to make it easier for your infertile friends. [A caveat: I should say that I write all of this from a woman's point of view, obviously. For my husband, it was much easier to just dive into adoption. But, he didn't have to deal with visions of pregnancy, delivery, etc. as I did.]
If you have had many conversations with a close friend about her infertility, perhaps you will have the opportunity to ask her if adoption is an option for her. But, don't let it be your first bit of wisdom to pass to her.

This next point was not one addressed in the blogger's original post, but it's one that I have mentioned before. When you, the fertile woman, have a pregnancy announcement, write your friend a letter. That is my first choice. The next would be a phone call. Then a private face-to-face. Never in public. Why, you ask? Because I needed privacy to be able to handle my emotions. If I got "the news" in a letter in the privacy of my own home, I can cry and deal with the ache in my empty arms alone. Then, after gathering myself together, I can call or meet you and find a way to truly rejoice with you as I am called to do in Scripture. But please, take seriously the other call from that same verse in the Bible: weep with those who weep. Looking for something to say to a broken-hearted infertile friend? Tell her how sorry you are that she can't achieve her dream. Hug her. Tell her you will always listen, always pray, always love. While the infertile woman doesn't really want to be treated with kid gloves, sometimes a little extra compassion can go a long way. I have one close friend who has given me a card every Mother's Day for the past several years. With tears in her eyes, she handed me a card telling me how she prayed that this would be the last year to endure Mother's Day with empty arms. I was so pleased to not receive a card from her this year but instead a hug of rejoicing!!

Let me close this with a letter I received from a very dear friend several years ago. She and her husband were married about 4 months after my own wedding. We were bridesmaids in each other's weddings and lived mere blocks from one another. She was pregnant within 6 months of marriage. With twins. And then had another baby. And another. She was put in the difficult place of being extremely fertile and yet close friends with infertile me. She put up with distance from me, bitterness, apologies. She prayed for me often. She asked how I was doing. She cried with me. In closing, let me share her words of encouragement with you. What a balm they were to my wounded heart:

Dear Glenna, I just wanted to let you know that you are my mind this morning. I have been praying for you. I do want you and William to know that we are faithfully praying for you both during this time...as you trust the Lord and His timing. Glenna, I pray that the Lord would bless you with a child! I pray this deeply--I don't know how else to say it. My heart longs for that for you my sister. I don't have the right words to say and I have no idea how to encourage you--but know that I love you and that I am before His throne making my request known to Him on your behalf. You are precious to me! Love, Carla (dated March 16, 2005)
:::
Now that I have meditated on all of these thoughts and emotions, my heart aches. My eyes are full of tears as I remember the many years of hope and despair mingled together. My burden of infertility has been one filled with brokenness and weeping. And yet...it has been other people, the gift of communion with brothers and sisters in Christ who have helped me to bear this burden--who have gladly come around me and held up my arms in Moses-like fashion, so to speak. God can and does use infertility to make me more like Christ. And He can and will do the same for you other infertile believers. His plan, though hard, is good. He can also use your infertility to break down thick walls around your heart...walls that were erected at the beginning of your infertility diagnosis. He can use it to teach you to let others who might not completely understand to still be a soothing balm to your soul. Let Him! Trust Him! He is GOOD!

I can say now, with tears streaming down my face, that as a barren woman, an adoptive mom to my beautiful Isaiah, blessed wife of William, and totally unworthy follower of Jesus Christ that infertility has been for my good. It has been a while since I really lived these deep seated emotions that infertility has wrought in my life, but it is good for me to remember the faithfulness of God to me through many difficult years.

I hope that this has been of some encouragement to you whose quivers are full, and for those of you dear ones who continue to long and wait with empty arms. The Lord is faithful.

xoxox0
-glenna-

Saturday, August 8, 2009

::joseph::

I recently did a post on my other blog about resources to help moms with their young children at home. It was a fun post, and I am thankful that I have a reason to post things like this. And yet, ever discontent apparently, I found my heart longing for more arrows to put in my quiver. My heart yearns for that at this very moment.

You see, when I wrote that post, I had just come from a visit with a close friend who has four very young children. We had talked about how her days go, how intentional she is with discipline, learning, playtime, devotionals, etc. with all four of her children. It was incredibly encouraging to me to put more order into my days as a stay-at-home-mom of one. And yet…I thought, “I have one child whom I love so very much. But what I wouldn’t give for a house full of children to make my days chaotic and crazy! If I love one child this much, how wonderful would it be to have a literal house full?!

And I think that is one of the things that makes infertility so very hard for me. I have never been one of these women who thought, “If I just have one child I’ll be happy. That’s all I ask.” That’s not me. From the very beginning of my dreams of children, it has been for at least four children...and really, however many the Lord deemed appropriate for us. Several little seedlings to raise up. That was my dream. So when we were in the very early stages of infertility, I felt I had been dealt a very heavy blow. If it was going to take years to have one child, would I never ever achieve my dream of multiple children? In my mind, infertility wasn’t the death of one dream but of many.

:::
I appreciate all your kind words welcoming me back, whether through the comments or through email. I am humbled that you would care to read of my internal struggles. I do think I will write here for as long as my heart can stand it. I pray that even in my longing, I will somehow point you and myself to Christ, the One in Whom our hearts find rest.

-glenna-

(*A hundred points to anyone who can unravel the meaning of the title of this post. It shouldn't be hard!)

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

::untransparent::

I don't know if anyone still reads this blog, but I am stepping a toe (my baby toe) out into the infertility blog world again. Slowly and with much trepidation.

You see, infertility is still a big part of my life, but I don't feel as justified talking about it anymore because we have been so blessed with our son through adoption. I am a mom, which was my dream.

I still long in my heart to do what women were designed physically to do. But I can't. Should I blog about that anymore? Is it fruitless?

I struggle to put my bare bones feelings out there for all to see. I think it's because I am incredibly content in mothering my son, in being a wife to my dear husband. Will searching the depths of my heart cause discontent to surface and rule my thinking? I'm not sure I want everyone to read my conflicting emotions.

At any rate...I'm at least thinking about coming back here to chat.

-glenna-

Thursday, April 23, 2009

::5 years of infertility::

Five years of trying to conceive have come and gone. We are a week into our 6th year. I expected to feel..something. And I do...I just struggle to put it into words.

For me, it was singleness. Then God led me to William.
Then it was childlessness. Four years later, God gave us Isaiah through adoption.
Now a year later, I intensely desire another child. But, perhaps God will simply lead me to contentment with Himself.

My heart always seems to hunger, but I know it will not rest until it rests in Him.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

::adoption/infertility interview::

I was recently interviewed for a website called TotallyHer.com on the issues of adoption after infertility. Click here to read. There was a whole lot more I could have said throughout the interview, but I didn't want to hog the article.

If you have any questions about my answers, please feel free to ask.

Thanks,

-glenna-

Saturday, January 17, 2009

::things that have changed::

Yikes, it's been a while since I posted.

I think about blogging here all the time, and I've even pulled up the entry screen only to find that I have nothing to say...which is weird considering all the things I used to have to say about infertility. For over 4 years, it seemed that infertility was the one of the few constant things in my life. It was the one hard thing I knew would continue to plague me but hoped against hope would disappear. I truly thought that the only cure was pregnancy. I sit here on the edge of the beginning of our 6th year trying to conceive and sift through my thoughts about this now.

But adoption really changed my constant struggle between hope and despair.

Or, I guess I should say that the Lord really used the adoption of our son to show me that with an eye towards eternity, my barrenness was a lesser issue than I thought. I know it kind of pains you to read a statement like that. A year ago it would have killed me to read that on someone's blog, mostly because in some recess of my heart I knew it was true, but since pregnancy was the thing I was fighting so hard for, believing that statement seemed to negate the reason for our years of hurt. What I'm not saying is that my infertility doesn't matter. It does. It really does. But, it is not the end of my world, not the thing that makes my life worth living or not. And neither is adoption or being a mom. For my readers who are followers of Christ, you know where I'm going with this. Infertility seems to be the thing that God chose to use to turn my heart more towards Him, to open my heart to something I wouldn't have formerly considered, to stretch my definition of family, to realize that we only walk this earth for a brief shadow of time. And while my heart does continue to yearn to experience pregnancy and birth, I have seen that God can put families together in all sorts of ways, and if He means for me to be a mother through adoption, then that was the best plan possible. It wasn't second best, plan B, or an "Oops! That wasn't how I meant for this to go; guess I'll push them towards adoption and hope they're okay with it" from God.

I guess what I'm trying to say, however poorly my words express it, is that with the ebb and flow of each month of hope, I find that the despair I used to experience is just not one that reaches the core of my heart anymore. The Lord used my doctor to successfully remove the parts of me that were causing my extreme physical pain each month, and He filled my home with the squeals and laughter of a beautiful baby whom I am pleased to call my son, which has eased my emotional pain to a very far degree. What I see tonight is that the Lord fulfilled what was His first and foremost plan, even though it wasn't MY first and foremost plan. And it was better than my first and foremost plan could have been, even for reasons I may never understand or recognize--and I can understand and recognize plenty right this minute. When I think of His sovereign plan and how far it reaches, how many people are encompassed, how much humanity is touched by each thing that He does, it astounds me that He would even consider me and love me. And He has chosen to do something different with me than a lot of people; not for anything I've done or not done, but because He is good and gracious and does ALL things well.

My infertility has been used for good. And while I do have my days where I feel slighted and passed over when it comes to pregnancy and birth and children that look like me (I imagine those days will plague me for quite some time), I understand that my life is not about me. It is about how my days on this earth can be used to bring glory to the Father of lights who deigned to reach down, and touch us with grace by sending His Son to take on our human flesh and sorrow, to "breathe our air and walk our sod," and to redeem the lives of those who believe through His death and resurrection. And if infertility and adoption can somehow bring Him glory, then I am thankful He chose those means to bring it about in my life.

When I think about it deeply, I realize I am the one who is blessed. I could still be stuck in my yearning to be a mother. The Lord chose not to open my womb but to open my heart to something different and new (to me). I was thinking as I worked around my home tonight after Isaiah was in bed. How different everything looks these days! It is apparent that a seven month old lives here. Our living room is overflowing with baskets of toys, a highchair flanks our dining room table, a bottle station and basket of bibs & burp cloths grace my kitchen counter tops, my dishwasher is full of small, colorful bowls & spoons, exersaucer & jump-up fill in the doorways, endless piles of tiny laundry go in and out of the laundry room at all times, there is often the sound of laughing and squealing and "gooing," every trash can in the house seems to be full of diapers.
What kind of life am I living now? It astounds me that the Lord has graced me with the thing I thought He was out to keep from me forever. What a distorted view of God I had. I thought He would use my infertility to keep me suffering, to hold my deep longing just out of arm's reach, to teach me how to fight constant bitterness.

I was wrong.

Of the many ways He has used my infertility, He also used it to make me a mother.



"He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD."
~Psalm 113:9~

::

I know that His plan for your life may look completely different. Perhaps it will bring Him the most glory to open your womb, or to keep it closed. Perhaps He will lead you down the path of adoption, or not. Whatever His plan, know that it is good and bringing Him glory, no matter how difficult to endure. For whatever brings Him the most glory, my friend, also is for your good.

Praise Him.

-glenna-