Saturday, January 17, 2009

::things that have changed::

Yikes, it's been a while since I posted.

I think about blogging here all the time, and I've even pulled up the entry screen only to find that I have nothing to say...which is weird considering all the things I used to have to say about infertility. For over 4 years, it seemed that infertility was the one of the few constant things in my life. It was the one hard thing I knew would continue to plague me but hoped against hope would disappear. I truly thought that the only cure was pregnancy. I sit here on the edge of the beginning of our 6th year trying to conceive and sift through my thoughts about this now.

But adoption really changed my constant struggle between hope and despair.

Or, I guess I should say that the Lord really used the adoption of our son to show me that with an eye towards eternity, my barrenness was a lesser issue than I thought. I know it kind of pains you to read a statement like that. A year ago it would have killed me to read that on someone's blog, mostly because in some recess of my heart I knew it was true, but since pregnancy was the thing I was fighting so hard for, believing that statement seemed to negate the reason for our years of hurt. What I'm not saying is that my infertility doesn't matter. It does. It really does. But, it is not the end of my world, not the thing that makes my life worth living or not. And neither is adoption or being a mom. For my readers who are followers of Christ, you know where I'm going with this. Infertility seems to be the thing that God chose to use to turn my heart more towards Him, to open my heart to something I wouldn't have formerly considered, to stretch my definition of family, to realize that we only walk this earth for a brief shadow of time. And while my heart does continue to yearn to experience pregnancy and birth, I have seen that God can put families together in all sorts of ways, and if He means for me to be a mother through adoption, then that was the best plan possible. It wasn't second best, plan B, or an "Oops! That wasn't how I meant for this to go; guess I'll push them towards adoption and hope they're okay with it" from God.

I guess what I'm trying to say, however poorly my words express it, is that with the ebb and flow of each month of hope, I find that the despair I used to experience is just not one that reaches the core of my heart anymore. The Lord used my doctor to successfully remove the parts of me that were causing my extreme physical pain each month, and He filled my home with the squeals and laughter of a beautiful baby whom I am pleased to call my son, which has eased my emotional pain to a very far degree. What I see tonight is that the Lord fulfilled what was His first and foremost plan, even though it wasn't MY first and foremost plan. And it was better than my first and foremost plan could have been, even for reasons I may never understand or recognize--and I can understand and recognize plenty right this minute. When I think of His sovereign plan and how far it reaches, how many people are encompassed, how much humanity is touched by each thing that He does, it astounds me that He would even consider me and love me. And He has chosen to do something different with me than a lot of people; not for anything I've done or not done, but because He is good and gracious and does ALL things well.

My infertility has been used for good. And while I do have my days where I feel slighted and passed over when it comes to pregnancy and birth and children that look like me (I imagine those days will plague me for quite some time), I understand that my life is not about me. It is about how my days on this earth can be used to bring glory to the Father of lights who deigned to reach down, and touch us with grace by sending His Son to take on our human flesh and sorrow, to "breathe our air and walk our sod," and to redeem the lives of those who believe through His death and resurrection. And if infertility and adoption can somehow bring Him glory, then I am thankful He chose those means to bring it about in my life.

When I think about it deeply, I realize I am the one who is blessed. I could still be stuck in my yearning to be a mother. The Lord chose not to open my womb but to open my heart to something different and new (to me). I was thinking as I worked around my home tonight after Isaiah was in bed. How different everything looks these days! It is apparent that a seven month old lives here. Our living room is overflowing with baskets of toys, a highchair flanks our dining room table, a bottle station and basket of bibs & burp cloths grace my kitchen counter tops, my dishwasher is full of small, colorful bowls & spoons, exersaucer & jump-up fill in the doorways, endless piles of tiny laundry go in and out of the laundry room at all times, there is often the sound of laughing and squealing and "gooing," every trash can in the house seems to be full of diapers.
What kind of life am I living now? It astounds me that the Lord has graced me with the thing I thought He was out to keep from me forever. What a distorted view of God I had. I thought He would use my infertility to keep me suffering, to hold my deep longing just out of arm's reach, to teach me how to fight constant bitterness.

I was wrong.

Of the many ways He has used my infertility, He also used it to make me a mother.

"He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD."
~Psalm 113:9~


I know that His plan for your life may look completely different. Perhaps it will bring Him the most glory to open your womb, or to keep it closed. Perhaps He will lead you down the path of adoption, or not. Whatever His plan, know that it is good and bringing Him glory, no matter how difficult to endure. For whatever brings Him the most glory, my friend, also is for your good.

Praise Him.



Hope said...

This post is so beautiful! Tears falling and all. I am so blessed that our God has a plan. For you, and for me. Thank you for this, you always touch my heart...always

Becky said...

Glenna, This is so beautifully written and expressed!! I wish you could have shared this with the MOPS group I spoke to last week! It seems that you said it much more eliquantly than I did!!
I can relate to every word, every feeling.
Thanks for verbalizing this so well!!

Lena said...

Wow Glenna,
Thanks for sharing this, I needed to be reminded of God's love and plan in the midst of infertility. I am starting to come to the place you are talking about... and really it makes the journey so much easier.

trina said...

Glenna, this was so beautifully written. I'm all teary,too. Although God did choose to give us three beautiful children that look like us, He also chose to have me experience something that would prevent me from having others. He chose this path for us so that we,too, would find the blessings of adoption. Just like you, I don't look at our three beautiful children from China and think, "They are Chinese." I hold them and kiss them and know they are our kids...just like the bio kids. They are no different. Sometimes, I can't remember which ones are kidding. I don't see their Chinese features anymore...other than to think how beautiful they are. Sometimes, I even have thoughts that I carried them in my tummy. I know that sounds strange but maybe you have already experienced that. I thought I was going to be sad that I didn't get to nurse them...but God gave me 6 kids that love affection, especially the ones that did not come from me. My babies love to cuddle and even though they were over a year old when we got them, they have always been very affectionate. I rock them almost nightly. God has blessed us so much through adoption and we pray (and our hearts hurt) for the children left behind. We pray for Christian parents for them. Yes, it's all God's Plan A and there is no such thing as Plan B. Thanks so much for sharing. I plan to pass your blog along to a friend going through infertility right now. Hugs, my friend.

Mrz. Hannah Myhre said...

This post was very touching! So far dh and I have no children, after 2 yrs of ttc. We hope we will get pregnant through IVF, which we will start this yr. But if it does not happen for us, we will defiantly adopt. And if this happens I feel that it will be Gods will, and he will heal our hearts. Who knows we might have bio children, and then adopt anyway. I jus want Gods will in our lives. "Praise GOD" isn't he good!!!

Dan & Hillary and little Russell said...

Thank-you, Glenna, for this post. It is true sweetness, rooted in Christ.

Joannah said...

Beautiful post, and so very true! Infertility, as awful as it is, has been a real blessing in my life. It has renewed my faith like no other life experience had.

I'm so glad that you are enjoying motherhood and are content with your circumstances. That's what it's all about.


Melanie said...

Thank you so much Glenna for posting out of your heart! Your post has given me a different picture of my infertility. I try and think why not me, why her, etc... I need to stop and move forward! God does have a plan and I know its for the better. I have been trying for going on our 6th year as well with one miscarriage and yes its been a hard year since that miscarriage but God is showing me SO much and I give Him all the PRAISE!

Again thank you!

erin said...

This is a stunningly beautiful post, Glenna, and I am blessed to read it and see a glimpse of the heart the Lord has placed within you.

Camille said...

this is so true and so amazing. i am realizing and coming to grips with the fact that no THING on earth will make me truly happy and bring me joy like my relationship with my Father. It has to come from within and from Him!!!!!! Thanks for this awesome reminder and confirmation!

Connie said...

It's been quite a while since I've visited you here--and what a JOY to read your news of motherhood through God's great mercy and kind providence of adoption!!!!!

You may recall, I too am a barren sister-in-Christ who, after 19 years of being childless, became a mother just 6 years ago.

Blessings to you and your wonderful family!!!!! Rejoicing with you!!!!! :-)

Jim and April said...

oh glenna...i loved your post! so beautiful! I feel so many of those things too...i love how you wrote that infertility IS NOT OUR LIFE...God is! So true! Your words were put so well...many times my tongue gets all messed up when I try to put into words how my heart feels!

Cilla said...

Hi there. You don't know me, I just round your blog last nigth through a friends blog. I was reading this post just now and it brought tears of hope to my eyes. It was just the encouragement I needed for today.
My hubby and I have also been trying for 4 years and I just reached what I thought was the end of my rope last week! I am finding, however, that God's grace is sufficient and new every morning. Thank you for so eliquently sharing your experience!

Cute layout, too by the way! I have the same one! :)

Shauna said...

Glenna you expressed my heart. We've been trying to have a baby for 9 years now and I know everything you said is so true. God HAS a plan. It's hard to be patient and have understanding, but I know it will be worth the wait. We are here for HIS purposes and not our own. That can be hard to swallow but we have Jesus as our example. He came to this world not for himself but for you and me. He gave it all. When I consider that I realize I haven't given much at all. I'm so glad that your story has hope and fulfillment in it. What a blessing, Glenna. A beautiful little boy. Just hearing your description of how your home looks now made me happy. You wouldn't appreciate the beauty in a pile of unwashed baby laundry as much if you didn't go through all that you've gone through. It truly is beautiful and points directly to our Father and the grace He bestows to us daily. Thanks for sharing a glimpse of your journey.

Alex and Jill said...

Hey Glenna! I was just stopping by to say hello. I hope you and that baby boy are doing well! :)


Anonymous said...

anyone who can bring joy and security and love to a child is blessed

here are some great endo resource sites for people - i love those folks at the CEC

March is Endo awareness month

Heather said...

I am just now reading this post, but wanted to say this ... how beautiful. And yes, praise Him. What a testament to His love and faithfulness.