I recently did a post on my other blog about resources to help moms with their young children at home. It was a fun post, and I am thankful that I have a reason to post things like this. And yet, ever discontent apparently, I found my heart longing for more arrows to put in my quiver. My heart yearns for that at this very moment.
You see, when I wrote that post, I had just come from a visit with a close friend who has four very young children. We had talked about how her days go, how intentional she is with discipline, learning, playtime, devotionals, etc. with all four of her children. It was incredibly encouraging to me to put more order into my days as a stay-at-home-mom of one. And yet…I thought, “I have one child whom I love so very much. But what I wouldn’t give for a house full of children to make my days chaotic and crazy! If I love one child this much, how wonderful would it be to have a literal house full?!”
And I think that is one of the things that makes infertility so very hard for me. I have never been one of these women who thought, “If I just have one child I’ll be happy. That’s all I ask.” That’s not me. From the very beginning of my dreams of children, it has been for at least four children...and really, however many the Lord deemed appropriate for us. Several little seedlings to raise up. That was my dream. So when we were in the very early stages of infertility, I felt I had been dealt a very heavy blow. If it was going to take years to have one child, would I never ever achieve my dream of multiple children? In my mind, infertility wasn’t the death of one dream but of many.
I appreciate all your kind words welcoming me back, whether through the comments or through email. I am humbled that you would care to read of my internal struggles. I do think I will write here for as long as my heart can stand it. I pray that even in my longing, I will somehow point you and myself to Christ, the One in Whom our hearts find rest.
(*A hundred points to anyone who can unravel the meaning of the title of this post. It shouldn't be hard!)