Saturday, August 8, 2009

::joseph::

I recently did a post on my other blog about resources to help moms with their young children at home. It was a fun post, and I am thankful that I have a reason to post things like this. And yet, ever discontent apparently, I found my heart longing for more arrows to put in my quiver. My heart yearns for that at this very moment.

You see, when I wrote that post, I had just come from a visit with a close friend who has four very young children. We had talked about how her days go, how intentional she is with discipline, learning, playtime, devotionals, etc. with all four of her children. It was incredibly encouraging to me to put more order into my days as a stay-at-home-mom of one. And yet…I thought, “I have one child whom I love so very much. But what I wouldn’t give for a house full of children to make my days chaotic and crazy! If I love one child this much, how wonderful would it be to have a literal house full?!

And I think that is one of the things that makes infertility so very hard for me. I have never been one of these women who thought, “If I just have one child I’ll be happy. That’s all I ask.” That’s not me. From the very beginning of my dreams of children, it has been for at least four children...and really, however many the Lord deemed appropriate for us. Several little seedlings to raise up. That was my dream. So when we were in the very early stages of infertility, I felt I had been dealt a very heavy blow. If it was going to take years to have one child, would I never ever achieve my dream of multiple children? In my mind, infertility wasn’t the death of one dream but of many.

:::
I appreciate all your kind words welcoming me back, whether through the comments or through email. I am humbled that you would care to read of my internal struggles. I do think I will write here for as long as my heart can stand it. I pray that even in my longing, I will somehow point you and myself to Christ, the One in Whom our hearts find rest.

-glenna-

(*A hundred points to anyone who can unravel the meaning of the title of this post. It shouldn't be hard!)

7 comments:

Jonathan's Mom said...

Thanks for continuing to post here. I started reading when we were in the adoption process. (I blogged at Journey to Adoption and will probably do that again at some point.) Our stories have gone in different directions, but like you, I didn't want just one child. I hadn't really put words to it like you had, but I really relate-that it wasn't the death of one child but the dream of many. I pray that God will still fill your dream and fill your quiver. He may just be in the process of writing a beautiful story that is your growing family.

Lena said...

I understand wanting many kids and being devastated when it looks like it won't happen. So many people have told me- why cannot you just be happy with the two you have? It's not that I'm not happy- it's like you said it's the death of a dream.

It is extremely hard knowing there is someone missing from your family- and there isn't much you can do about it.

I pray that God will fulfill the desires of your heart.

entrusted said...

Yes. We also dreamed of having 4 or more children. It's so hard to recognize that may not become a reality - especially as I watch most of my close friends who are my age and got married after us well on their way to that family of 3, 4, etc. They're living my dream, and my hope is still deferred.

Andi-bo-bandi said...

Don't fret, Glenna! I still believe that this can happen for you. Maybe not in the way that you had planned, but God has a funny way of laughing at our plans and surprising us with His. :)

Anonymous said...

Hi There-
I just found your blog & wanted to leave you an encouraging word. My husband & I adopted our daughter after two years of infertility. 5 years later without trying or thinking about it (we were in the process of starting our second adoption) we found out I was pregnant. I am am not telling you this because it happens to everyone & I know you probably have gotten the "adopt & you'll end up getting pregnant" line from many people. I just want to let you know that you never really know what God has in store for you. I certainly didn't:)
Take care-

Ashley said...

I definitely understand how you feel. While I haven't been through what you have, just knowing that I have been diagnosed with what is known as one of the leading causes of infertility leads me to experience some of the emotions that you have. I too have dreamt of a literal house full of children, and to know that I may struggle and struggle just to have one...it's very scary. I also get upset when I hear from other mothers how "hectic" being a mother to several children is. What I wouldn't give for all that chaos!
I pray that you are able to continue to grow your household, through God and His amazing way of answering prayers from an earnest heart :)

Doug and Heidi said...

thanks for posting on this blog again!