Thursday, October 29, 2009

::despair::

Oh, how I wish my heart were always as full as it was when I penned the previous post.  Today, however, my heart is full of despair at what feels unjust.  Remind me, Lord, that is good simply to be near You. 

PSALM 73
 1Surely God is good to Israel,
       to those who are pure in heart.  2 But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
       I had nearly lost my foothold.
 3 For I envied the arrogant
       when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
 4 They have no struggles;
       their bodies are healthy and strong. 
 5 They are free from the burdens common to man;
       they are not plagued by human ills.
 6 Therefore pride is their necklace;
       they clothe themselves with violence.
 7 From their callous hearts comes iniquity;
       the evil conceits of their minds know no limits.
 8 They scoff, and speak with malice;
       in their arrogance they threaten oppression.
 9 Their mouths lay claim to heaven,
       and their tongues take possession of the earth.
 10 Therefore their people turn to them
       and drink up waters in abundance. [c]
 11 They say, "How can God know?
       Does the Most High have knowledge?"
 12 This is what the wicked are like—
       always carefree, they increase in wealth.
 13 Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure;
       in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.
 14 All day long I have been plagued;
       I have been punished every morning.
 15 If I had said, "I will speak thus,"
       I would have betrayed your children.
 16 When I tried to understand all this,
       it was oppressive to me
 17 till I entered the sanctuary of God;
       then I understood their final destiny.
 18 Surely you place them on slippery ground;
       you cast them down to ruin.
 19 How suddenly are they destroyed,
       completely swept away by terrors!
 20 As a dream when one awakes,
       so when you arise, O Lord,
       you will despise them as fantasies.
 21 When my heart was grieved
       and my spirit embittered,
 22 I was senseless and ignorant;
       I was a brute beast before you.
 23 Yet I am always with you;
       you hold me by my right hand.
 24 You guide me with your counsel,
       and afterward you will take me into glory.
 25 Whom have I in heaven but you?
       And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
 26 My flesh and my heart may fail,
       but God is the strength of my heart
       and my portion forever.
 27 Those who are far from you will perish;
       you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
 28 But as for me, it is good to be near God.
       I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
       I will tell of all your deeds.

Saturday, October 10, 2009

::from my journal::

dated Tuesday, September 29, 2009

:::
Is this not what I imagined my life to be like?  I'm outdoors on a cool fall morning watching my baby son run around examining the world around him.  He brings me a leaf to examine and I name it for him: "Leaf!"  I pause in my writing to put jackets on both of us as the breeze is quite cool.  The gentle rays of the sun peek out from behind trees to touch my face.  My cup of coffee cools next to me and I have to protect it lest Isaiah drops a leaf or twig in it.  (Smile)  The only one missing is William who is headed to P______ to meet his dad for golf.  I pray his trip is safe and enjoyable for him.


Other than his absence, it is picture perfect.  No...it didn't happen the way I thought it would.  I am still a barren woman, but more than that--the Lord has made me a joyous mother.  I do not deserve such blessing. 


Lord, You have poured out Your grace over me.  Your goodness is so undeserved.  Nothing in me merits such gifts.  Thank You, Father.  How kind You are to me....me--one who deserves only death and destruction, so heavy and damning is my sin.  Yet you have redeemed my life from the pit and made me new.  You have then continued to poor out grace upon grace.  Grace upon grace.  

:::
Today my heart is full.

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