Wednesday, January 27, 2010

::contentment 101::

This morning's prayer time felt like a wrestling match.  Back and forth, I vacillate between pleading for my heart's desire and praying that I can learn to submit to God's sovereignty.  I think I'm allowed to do both.  Supposed to do both, probably.  The other difficulty comes when confessing the selfishness and sarcastic thoughts that grip my mind when I hear of others' pregnancies...after no trouble whatsoever.  Normal people who have babies whenever they want.  What must that be like???

There is a recurring theme in my posts here, I know, but this is what I've got.  This is my struggle right now.  It's not in any way a new one. 

I put my son to bed last night and thought, what would it be like to be tucking in all the children I thought I would have had by now?  How many would there be?  Four?  Five?

Stop right there.  If I had all those hypothetical children, I would not have this one. 

I desperately want God to teach me to be content.  Isaiah is our miracle for now.  He is a great blessing that I do not deserve.

How can I have a firm grasp on contentment while still longing for more children to love?   There must be some way to be in both camps. I simply can't find the place in my heart yet, but I am still searching.  It is that ever present fog that settles around me...hope and despair intermingled so well that it is hard to have one without the other. 

Oh Lord, please teach me that You are enough.


Allison said...

i am so sorry, glenna.
i sometimes feel deeply frustrated by the fact that i don't have more children, too. i look around our church, and sit amongst sisters who continue to get pregnant and "can't help it!"

i certainly think it is indeed a bit easier for me to accept at this juncture because pursuing IUIs and/or adoption plans continues to be derailed by: my chronic pain and isaac's high maintenance (pricey therapy galore!) developmental delays.

though they are the very reasons our pursuit of more children is halted, i am thankful for the distraction they provide...

God's timing is strange to us. and it certainly stirs up both hope and despair...the wait seems like torture...i just cannot imagine how people endure it all without Jesus...

Sew said...

I totally understand your ache...I do not think there is supposed to be contentement in an unfulfilled vocation. :) I think we are suppsed to yearn for it... :)

Have you by chance gotten your progesterone levels checked. Endo girls 99.9% of the time have major issues with their hormones....Just a thought...

Glenna Marshall said...

I have had my prog. levels checked numerous times and they are always normal. Our main hurdle is male factor infertility. My endo is really secondary at this point. :)

andreajennine said...

The fight for contentment is so hard! The only times I felt truly content were when I stopped focusing on my circumstances (not ignoring them, just not making them central) and started dwelling on the gospel. Of course, my heart is very prone to wander, and I'd lose my contentment quickly. Praying for you!

Faith said...

I am struggling to find this same contentment and to find the balance between pleading and asking for this blessing but also resting in His sovereignty. I really don't know how it works...

On another note, Isaiah is so precious and I cannot believe how big he is getting. So sweet!

tea said...

Your baby boy is beautiful! :)

I know how you feel. I have that battle too. I'm to the point where I'm about ready to throw in the towel. I'm tired. I'm trying really hard to just focus on the blessings that we have.

Yvonne said...

Glenna, thanks for sharing. Just stumbled upon your blog this morning while feeling particularly down over a recent friend's pregnancy announcement. Of course I am happy for her but there is still a part of me that thinks, "I've tried WAY longer than she has. Will it ever be my turn?" I also struggle with contentment and am constantly reminding myself that God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Thank you for encouraging me by reminding me that I am not alone.

Doug and Heidi said...

Thanks for your post Glenna, I am right there with you...praying for my heart's desire/for contentment. It's hard.

Ashley said...

I feel for you so very much. This post spoke exactly to how I am feeling right now. I actually posted a post similar today on my blog.

I will be praying for you.

Julie Sellers said...

I totally understand where you coming from. My two wonderful adopted kids are 5 and 8 and that feeling still hasn't gone five years later I'm hoping for number three.

Thank you for sharing. I'm currently writing an adoption book and wondered if you'd like to submit a story. Just click on the Submissions tab at my website,

God Bless!


Becky said...

Our issues too were with male IF so, I understand that aspect.

After the adoption of our first child, I was content for a long time. About 3 yrs. I would secretly hope and wish in my heart that the 'miracle' pregnancy would happen. It became harder and harder that longer it didn't.
I prayed that Lord would make me content or show me how, when we'd have more children.
We adopted our daughter 5 years after our son. Now, we're in a surprise 3rd adoption!

The longing and desire for pregnancy and a natural, bio child is one that is so different for all women dealing with IF I think. Some 'get over it' sooner. Some accept it sooner. Some find contentment sooner.
I pray that God would still the wrestling in your heart. Be still, know Him, and know that He is working His plan for your good and His glory!