This morning's prayer time felt like a wrestling match. Back and forth, I vacillate between pleading for my heart's desire and praying that I can learn to submit to God's sovereignty. I think I'm allowed to do both. Supposed to do both, probably. The other difficulty comes when confessing the selfishness and sarcastic thoughts that grip my mind when I hear of others' pregnancies...after no trouble whatsoever. Normal people who have babies whenever they want. What must that be like???
There is a recurring theme in my posts here, I know, but this is what I've got. This is my struggle right now. It's not in any way a new one.
I put my son to bed last night and thought, what would it be like to be tucking in all the children I thought I would have had by now? How many would there be? Four? Five?
Stop right there. If I had all those hypothetical children, I would not have this one.
I desperately want God to teach me to be content. Isaiah is our miracle for now. He is a great blessing that I do not deserve.
How can I have a firm grasp on contentment while still longing for more children to love? There must be some way to be in both camps. I simply can't find the place in my heart yet, but I am still searching. It is that ever present fog that settles around me...hope and despair intermingled so well that it is hard to have one without the other.
Oh Lord, please teach me that You are enough.