Thursday, February 25, 2010

::incidentally, this is my 100th post::

Just for curiosity's sake, how many of you keep track of your infertility marathon?  Do you mark the anniversary of when you first (and probably naively) began trying to conceive?  Do you look back and think, "I had no idea what was coming,"? 

I do.
I was just curious if you did, too.  My 6th TTC anniversary is coming up and I've been dwelling a lot over the past 6 years.  Been reading old journals and old posts and counting my blessings.  God has been so faithful to move me past the emotional wreckage where I once lived.  I know sometimes my posts here reflect differently from that statement because I still seem like an emotional basketcase, but seriously...if you had known me that first year you wouldn't have liked me very much.  I truly believe God has used my infertility to make me someone I wouldn't have otherwise been.  It has been a refining process that has shown me how poorly I've dealt with disappointment, how desperate I am for my Savior, and how faithful our sovereign God is.
It's not over, but even as I approach year number seven, I fully expect for God to continue in His goodness.

No, I am not pregnant, but tonight I am looking back at the past faithfulness of God, and I find myself very content in that.  Praise You, Father!


Thursday, February 18, 2010


I keep looking at this page, wondering what to write.   The thing is...nothing's really changed since my last post.  Content and discontent are still vying for my devotion.  I admit to giving discontent a little more attention.

Truth is, the thought of getting back on the adoption route freaks me out a little.  Reading and hearing about friends and acquaintances who are hitting roadblock after heart-wrenching roadblock defers me a little from jumping on the bandwagon again.  My husband and I have discussed many options and at this point they are merely options--nothing concrete yet--but the thought of beginning anything scares me.  When I reflect on our son's adoption, I marvel.  It really was miraculous that he became ours.  And not for beautiful, fluffy, you're-a-hero-for-adopting reasons.  But because for 48 devastating hours he slipped through our fingers.  Because the Lord directs a man's steps.  Because of an unwavering, loving birthmother who could give her son what she desired by giving him to us to raise. 

But the emotions of those days....I don't know if I could relive them knowing how they felt.  I know risk is built into the very fiber of adoption.  I knew this going into it, sort of.  On the other side of it, I really know it.  And I guess that is what scares me. 

But I know it can be worth it.  And so we pray.  We make ourselves available.  We take the risk.  We pray.  We wait.  We pray.  We overcome fear by knowing that God is sovereign.  If He leads us to another child through adoption, no one can stop Him.  If He leads a birthmother to parent, no one can stop Him.   If He leads us to a child only temporarily, His grace is sufficient for us....there's always that:  sufficient grace.  Grace that is enough for infertility, for empty nurseries, for knowing a child only briefly, for fear, for a birthmother who hurts for all her life, for risk. 

The grace of Christ is still enough for me.