Wednesday, May 26, 2010

::trippy email::

I'm pretty sure my email account somehow marked some emails as spam that weren't spam...and me thinking they were spam...well, I hit the delete button of course just before seeing the word "adoption" in the subject line.

If you recently sent me an email regarding adoption, please resend it! 

Not much to write about here.  I had really hoped I was pregnant this month.  Turned out to be a G. I. issue instead.  
Moving on.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

::the big pretender::

I can't help it.  Mother's Day still feels weird to me. 

[I keep going back and forth about putting this post up and I'm not sure why.]

I feel like people are acknowledging that I'm a mom because of the almost-two-year-old attached to my hip.  But I feel like it's a consolation prize sort of acknowledgment...not because people don't really think I'm a mom, but because even after two years I still sometimes don't feel like a mom.  If that isn't the most backward thinking, I don't know what it is.  In my head, I picture the thoughts of others as they see me with my obviously adopted son. 
Do I still meet the standard of "mom"? 
Would this feeling go away if I miraculously got pregnant? 
Will it feel this way until I have as many Mother's Days under my belt as a mom as I did before I became one? 
Are all infertiles indelibly scarred with a raw, unnameable emotion surrounding this holiday?
I have to remind myself that this is no game.  I am a mother, even though I came about it through adoption and not birth.  Just because I don't feel worthy of the title doesn't make me less a title-holder. 
I enjoy being loved on by my husband and son on Mother's Day, but I still feel like a huge tangle of emotions I can't quite describe. 

And I guess for that reason, both last year and this year--I didn't anticipate the day like I thought I would.