Saturday, May 15, 2010

::the big pretender::

I can't help it.  Mother's Day still feels weird to me. 

[I keep going back and forth about putting this post up and I'm not sure why.]

I feel like people are acknowledging that I'm a mom because of the almost-two-year-old attached to my hip.  But I feel like it's a consolation prize sort of acknowledgment...not because people don't really think I'm a mom, but because even after two years I still sometimes don't feel like a mom.  If that isn't the most backward thinking, I don't know what it is.  In my head, I picture the thoughts of others as they see me with my obviously adopted son. 
Do I still meet the standard of "mom"? 
Would this feeling go away if I miraculously got pregnant? 
Will it feel this way until I have as many Mother's Days under my belt as a mom as I did before I became one? 
Are all infertiles indelibly scarred with a raw, unnameable emotion surrounding this holiday?
I have to remind myself that this is no game.  I am a mother, even though I came about it through adoption and not birth.  Just because I don't feel worthy of the title doesn't make me less a title-holder. 
I enjoy being loved on by my husband and son on Mother's Day, but I still feel like a huge tangle of emotions I can't quite describe. 

And I guess for that reason, both last year and this year--I didn't anticipate the day like I thought I would. 


Bley said...

You definitely meet the standard of "mom." You are the mother of one who may have been motherless; there is little more beautiful than that.

Your words on this blog have been an encouragement to me.

Anonymous said...

I know that feeling so very well. Mothers day just carries too many emotions for me. I miscarried shortly after mothers day two years ago and the day just reminds me of my infertility and how often I feel like a 'fake' mom even though we have also adopted. I rather take the day to celebrate my mom. It seems to take the focus off of my feelings. Sometimes it feels like the day has nothing to do with me.

Mari Ann said...

I don't know if I get to comment here--but here I go. I gave birth to three, but there have always been days when I think "I'M SOMEBODY'S MOTHER? I DON'T FEEL LIKE I AM A MOTHER!" You are an AMAZING Mom. You are nurturing, and loving, and encouraging, with a great balance of discipline and structure. My father is biologically linked to me, but in no way was a father. A parent is the one who has the passion and love to commit to sacrifice for their children. You are that parent. Love you!

melanie said...

when i only had zoe, i definitely felt the same way. i felt like a fake and undeserving of the "mother's day" glory. now that zoe is eight i guess i'm a little bit more used to the title. but i still don't really believe i've had four. people keep saying, "you have four!?!" and i look around as if they must be talking to someone else.

Lindsey said...

thank you for your honesty. I thought I was crazy this last weekend for not feeling like a mom with my two kids. It's just a lie satan tells us because he hates adoption, but sometimes it is easy to believe the whispers that you are not a real mom, but GOD sets the lonely in families!

Rebekah said...

You're a mom. No doubt.

Anonymous said...

I am adoptive mom to 3. Never been pregnant.
From the moment we brought our first son home, I felt complete and whole and totally a mother.

I think from reading your blog, you have many unresolved issues with your infertility and obviously with the drive and desire to get pregnant. I wish those things could have been resolved for you before you adopted your son! I hope that this is not affecting him in any way. I hope it has not hindered the bonding between you two. I know you love him....then claim that and fully feel like you are his mother!

I pray that you can lay those burdens down, truly down at the feet of Jesus and just rest in His plan for your family as it unfolds! It's hard to get there! I know!!!!!! But, you can!

Glenna Marshall said...

Second Anonymous Commenter:
I think perhaps you misunderstood my thoughts here...

If I waited to adopt until all my infertility issues were resolved, I never would have adopted. My infertility will, in some sense, always be with me. And it's a thing I really have to pray & fight through for contentment.

It, however, is in no way inhibiting my relationship with my son. He is my son and he knows it and I know it. We are as closely bonded as a mother and son can be that didn't share nine months in the same body, in my opinion. I love him so fiercely, I fear my heart may burst at any moment. I apologize if my desire to experience pregnancy was translated into some kind of dissatisfaction with my family. I am CRAZY in love with my son! I just wanted to be clear on that.

At the same time, I don't want people to think adoption is a band-aid for infertility. While motherhood does fill a huge hole in my heart, it doesn't make my infertility magically go away.

I think I often twist feelings of inadequacy as a mom (that every mom probably feels) into feeling like I'm not a "real mom". As I closed my post, I know I'm a mother to my son. I'm thankful for that.

Zoe said...

I know this is an old post, but I am just catching up on your blog. I so appreciated your transparency about emotions on Mothers Day. I'm a mom of 2 (by adoption and birth), but after years and years of infertility, my emotions on Mothers Day are a tangled mess. It seems surreal that I am now in the 'mommy club'. I think the scars of infertility will always stay with me in some ways. Mostly the day makes me think of all those who are struggling with infertility and hoping they have an extra measure of God's grace that day (and that well-meaning friends/church services don't rub salt into an already raw wound).
Anyway - I appreciated your thoughts!