I can't help it. Mother's Day still feels weird to me.
[I keep going back and forth about putting this post up and I'm not sure why.]
I feel like people are acknowledging that I'm a mom because of the almost-two-year-old attached to my hip. But I feel like it's a consolation prize sort of acknowledgment...not because people don't really think I'm a mom, but because even after two years I still sometimes don't feel like a mom. If that isn't the most backward thinking, I don't know what it is. In my head, I picture the thoughts of others as they see me with my obviously adopted son.
Do I still meet the standard of "mom"?
Would this feeling go away if I miraculously got pregnant?
Will it feel this way until I have as many Mother's Days under my belt as a mom as I did before I became one?
Are all infertiles indelibly scarred with a raw, unnameable emotion surrounding this holiday?
I have to remind myself that this is no game. I am a mother, even though I came about it through adoption and not birth. Just because I don't feel worthy of the title doesn't make me less a title-holder.
I enjoy being loved on by my husband and son on Mother's Day, but I still feel like a huge tangle of emotions I can't quite describe.
And I guess for that reason, both last year and this year--I didn't anticipate the day like I thought I would.