Or stirrups, to be quite literal.
I've sort of been holding out on you, so here goes.
(We are diving back into fertility treatments.)
There. I said it. It's out.
And it makes me nervous.
I have mixed emotions about it, but obviously it's something I want to try seeing as how I did make an appointment and then actually went to the appointment. I'm happy about moving in this direction, but I'm a little nervous about feeling happy about it. (I'm well aware that that doesn't make a whole lot of sense.)
So, what are we doing? Well, the only procedure we are comfortable with is IUI at this point in time. Now, given our fertility challenges, IUI does not have the best odds for a couple in our predicament. Buuuutttt....we still feel that if we are ever going to try it, now feels like the best time to do it.
Long time readers may remember the summer three years ago when we tried to do an IUI, but I never responded to the Clomid. A year later we found a massive endometrioma growing on my right ovary which explained a lot. Oh yeah, and a ton of endometriosis to boot. So, it's been almost 2 years since I had the surgery to remove my ovary and all the endo. Since then I've had (for the first time in my adult life) textbook 28 day cycles. This encourages me that my one remaining ovary is doing her job just fine, thanks. The male factor infertility isn't great to work with, and honestly there aren't a ton of options for that, but we feel encouraged to try the IUI anyway. My husband and I have prayed and talked and prayed and talked about this. We just feel that right now is a good time to at least give it a shot.
Allow the crazy lady a caveat for a moment: This doesn't mean that we aren't going to pursue adoption again or that we wish we had done this sooner. It in no way negates how deeply grateful we are for our son. Seriously, people, this kid is a part of our hearts. I can't even articulate how much we love him. I know I'm belaboring this, but I want to be clear from the outset that it isn't that he isn't enough or anything like that. It isn't that we don't feel complete until we have a biological child. I think it just boils down to the same reason many other couples decide to have a second child...because they view children as a blessing and love their one child so much they can't wait to have another one. Having to jump hurdles to get to that second child doesn't mean we shouldn't get to try to have one, right? We know that pursuing adoption isn't what is on the agenda for us today. Tomorrow, it might be. Or not. We have no idea what the Lord has planned for our lives or which children, if any, are included in that plan. I do think we'll pursue adoption again later. I don't think we're done there yet. :)
So, for now, we just take a step in the direction we feel led to walk in. And then we'll take another step. And then another. And we'll see.
Now...on to the plan.
Because it has been a few years since we've had any reproductive assistance, we have to update all of our testing, especially since I've had surgery in the last two years. I'm little overwhelmed at doing this all again, but oh well. It is what it is.
So here's a quick run down of what's coming up:
*Next Monday I have an ultrasound scheduled to look for any abnormalities (I'll admit it...I really nervous about this. If you don't remember, a routine ultrasound is where my tumor was discovered. I'm just nervous about what they might find. I am currently very angry at my stupid reproductive system for being so accommodating to things like adhesions, endometriosis, and endometriomas.)
*Se.men anaylsis. Humiliation, party of two? Right this way, please. It will be like the 5th time we've done this, but still. Stirrups are preferable, in my opinion.
*Extensive bloodwork on the 3rd day of my next cycle, which is roughly in about 3.5 weeks, per my calculation.
*Hysterosalpingogram (it's been 4 years since I had this done) on day ten of my next cycle.
****Then, a meeting with my doctor to discuss all results. If she feels like this is something she would like to do, then we will schedule the IUI. Otherwise, she will send us to a colleague in St. Louis whom she highly recommends. I'm curious as to whether her colleague will think an IUI is pointless. We will make it clear up front that that is all we are interested in pursuing right now.
So. There you have it. A flurry of events that will likely suck me into a mode of anxiety that I am desperately trying to avoid.
The good news?
The good news is the little embodiment of joy napping in his room upstairs right now. Knowing that God has already blessed me beyond belief will save my sanity! I will not fall into desperation because I know I have been redeemed, rescued, and then given grace upon grace. If all of these efforts fail, then I am praying the Lord would use the disappointment to teach me that I am deeply rooted in Him. If they succeed....well, then, I can't really even comprehend how that will feel!
I covet your prayers as we embark on this journey yet again. Please bear with me as I plan to blog throughout the process in order to keep my perspective. Plus, I thought you might enjoy the show. :)
So, until Monday....
And P.S., if you think I sound pessimistic about the whole thing, just know it's a defense mechanism. It's my way of being cautiously excited. Seventy-five failed attempts at getting pregnant will do that to a person. ;) I really am ready to get this ball rolling!