Wednesday, July 7, 2010


My results came in (about a week earlier than I expected!) and all are threat of cancer!  My heart is overflowing with gratitude.  The Lord is gracious.

Now we just wait two months and repeat the ultrasound to check the growth of what we now are confident is an endometrioma.  I'm not sure what the next step after that will be.

Thank you so much for praying, but I ask you to continue to pray that the mass disappears altogether and that the Lord would bless us with conception instead.

The Lord be praised!

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

::we should get our own waiting room::

I went in this morning for blood work.  It was a ho-hum appointment, for the most part.  The lab tech gave me the list of tests they were running, and it sounded about as vague and code-like as anything I've ever heard.  And then she said oh, yeah, and the CA5T122SGASAG, that one can take several days to come back, you know?  Umm....yeah. Sure.  I love it when medical professionals treat me like a colleague.  :-P
(Okay, so I made up that string of numbers and letters but it was something like that!)

What I find really hard about having all these appointments so close together is that each time I am inevitably seated in a waiting room with a plethora of the types of women I try to avoid.  You know, pregnant ones.   It's like a pregnant woman watering hole.  And of course, if you're pregnant--especially in the later months--you have to come in for a lot of check-ups, so I totally get the reason for the room full of preggos, but I am not exaggerating when I say that except for me and two elderly ladies, every other woman in that waiting room was pregnant.  Visibly pregnant.  There were at least a dozen.  Infertiles should get their own waiting room, don't you think?  ;-)

When I was settling up with one of the receptionists (who had stepped out to figure out how much I owed them for the blood-letting today), I could hear another woman in the cubicle next to me as she gave her information.  That receptionist's voice carried (which is, I'm sure, a HIPPA violation) and I heard her: Okay, you're a new OB patient.  Where do you plan to deliver?  This hospital?  Okay, great.  Now, do you have a copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting?  No, well wait a sec and I'll just grab you a copy....
I could hear the mother-to-be's excited replies.  I looked down at the cotton ball taped to the inside of my arm to see the proof that they are trying to rule out cancer, and felt depressed.   I swallowed the huge lump in my throat, blinked away the burning sensation in my eyes, and sat up straighter.  I will not cry.  I will not cry.  I will not cry. 

Later, as I sipped a Venti Caramel Macchiato (because, nothing says comfort like an enormous cup of coffee mixed with sugar!) and drove around running some errands, the feeling of despair ebbed.  I did what my pastor-husband often encourages our church family to do:  I preached the Gospel to myself.  Because, all joking aside, nothing comforts us like the Truth.  If the tests come back and I have cancer, or the tests come back and show that my ovary needs to come out thus permanently robbing me of what little fertility I have left, the Truth is that I am free.  I have been redeemed by Jesus Christ, bought with a price, rescued from my sin and my former master, the evil one.  God blessed me a million times over when He adopted me as His daughter.  With that knowledge, I feel that I can face this unknown path and walk steadily.  I do not walk it alone. 

I am still praying for complete healing and also pregnancy, so I covet your prayers for those things.  I want to get a call from the doctor's office saying that my blood tests showed there was nothing wrong with me and that when they repeat the ultrasound, they find no tumor.  That perhaps, they would find life instead.  And until I hear something different, that is how I am praying.  If the outcome is different, then I know the Lord will give me grace enough for that. 

It will be a week or so before I know any of the results from my tests.  The next step will be determined by those results.
Thank you for your prayers.


Friday, July 2, 2010

::it is what it is::

It's not great, but I guess it could be a whole lot worse.

The reason for the delay in my ultrasound results: my doctor was in some sort of accident and broke her hip and several ribs!!!   She's laid up at home, but is signing off on results, so the nurse was able to get a message to her to review my case.  I so appreciate her effort when I'm sure she feels terrible.  Wow.

So, from my ultrasound she found a cystic lesion, which isn't very concerning.  But, there is also another mass.  Given my history, it is most likely an endometrioma.  Not huge, but it's there.  However, whenever you find a mass, you have to rule out cancer, so I have bloodwork done on Tuesday.  If those results fall within normal limits, we will wait for two months, repeat the ultrasound and see if it has grown or not.  I'm not sure what comes after that.  If it grows...I guess they try to remove it?  That's what's scary--surgery which could possibly result in the loss of my only ovary.  My understanding is, if it hasn't grown, then we proceed with IF treatments.  I decided to hold off on the HSG until we figure out what's going on with this mass (which I shall hereafter refer to as the "stupid tumor" in loving memory of the tumor that took my right ovary).  I mean, why pay $1,000 out of pocket to do the HSG if the stupid tumor could end my fertility treatments altogether?

It's all a bit...unsettling.  I feel relieved that the mass is not so large that they feel it must come out now--like the last time.  I also feel relieved that I do not seem symptomatic like last time, either.  No bloating, mid-cycle spotting, or long cycles.  I feel like that ovary is working, but I am thinking of buying some OPK's to see if I get a positive next month. 

But there's always that minute chance it could be cancerous that makes it all feel a bit surreal.  I'm fairly confident that it is another endometrioma, especially since my surgery two years ago showed that I did have some spots of endometriosis on that ovary.  But still.  Unsettling.

If the bloodwork seems normal, then I guess we just wait the two months and keep trying the good old-fashioned way.  I was just saying to my husband on the phone..."For so many years, we thought our infertility was just male-related.  But now we can say confidently that my body is just as jacked up as yours."  Oh, yes, we are eloquent when referring to our stupid malfunctioning reproductive systems.  I soooo want to blame Eve on this one. 

But honestly, I want to cry. 

And I will....but not before asking you all to pray that God would be pleased to heal my body.  I believe He can do it, I just pray that it would be a part of His plan to do so.  Or....that we could get pregnant while we wait.    And pray that throughout this waiting game, my heart would be steadfast, my faith firmly entrenched in the love of Christ.  That I would be able to say whatever the outcome: It is well. 

So...until next week.