Saturday, August 21, 2010

::two steps back::

Aside from the fact that I have this endometrioma thing going on, I am now about 99.99% sure that my endometriosis is back and taking over.  I have not felt well.  Old symptoms have been cropping up.

I'm thinking about scheduling an appointment with a doctor in Tennessee who uses NaProTechnology with the Creighton model.  I don't really know enough about it to explain it, so for those of you who are as unfamiliar with it as I am, maybe you'll keep reading as I learn about it.  The doctor in question is not deterred by our situation, apparently. 

I've got an ultrasound scheduled on September 3rd with my OBGYN to re-evaluate my ovary, but doing any further testing is entirely up to me.  I think at that point it could be a good time to set up a consultation with the NaPro guy.

I'm so frustrated by this disease.  Nobody can tell you WHY you get it, therefore there is no real way to prevent it.  The best way to slow the growth is to get pregnant, but duh--that's the whole issue: I.can't.get.pregnant!  We also have male factor infertility, so I just feel like we're stuck between a rock and a hard place.  On the one hand, even if I can't get pregnant, I still don't want to lose my other ovary to this disease.

Just feeling frustrated by infertility these days.

I had a day about a week ago where I absolutely fell apart.  We had prayed so much over the past month.  So when my cycle started as usual, it just crushed me.  I still don't know why I feel so affected by something that has plagued us for over six years.  I kept apologizing to my husband while I sobbed into his polo shirt.  He, ever patient and loving, just held me and told me to stop apologizing, that it is perfectly understandable to be sad, that we both had hoped and prayed so much.  I laid in his arms, stretched out across the couch and just wept uncontrollably.  I really can't explain why I felt so...bereft.

The silver lining in all of this was the little person who kept leaning over me on the couch and saying, "Mommy?" in a tiny, uncertain voice while smothering me with kisses and patting my shoulder.  He would then do something silly, hoping I would laugh.  Which I did, even with tears running down my cheeks.  It was good medicine.

The Lord is good to remind me that He has blessed me beyond belief.  

I wish I had something more encouraging to write, but my heart is struggling these days so I don't want to pretend all is well.  I mean, all is well considering how things could be.  But my emotions are a bit out of sorts, and I'm back in the school of trust, praying that the Lord would forgive my unbelief.  Not that I believe He has promised me more children--He makes no such promises in His Word.  But, rather, praying that He would imprint on my mind that He is sovereign and good, faithful to do what will bring Him glory, faithful to sanctify me in the times of struggle.

Oh, may He keep me faithful.

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

::what? no blogging?::

Just a quick post to explain my absence (other than the fact that there is absolutely NOTHING going on regarding infertility....still waiting for September to roll around so my endometrioma can be reexamined for growth/change).  I've had a virus on my computer, which I believe is finally gone, but I am having some issues with my laptop overheating.  It could be that the fan is broken on it, but whatever the case may be, I only have a few minutes to use it before it shuts down on me without any notice.  So far, my limited activity online has been used to pay bills and back up my files.  The only way I can keep it running is if I set it directly on to an air vent with the A/C blasting so that my PC doesn't overheat and thereby shut itself off.  It's not easy to blog while lying on the cold tile floor, so....there you have it.

At any rate, there is nothing to report so it's not like you're missing anything.  :)