Saturday, August 21, 2010

::two steps back::

Aside from the fact that I have this endometrioma thing going on, I am now about 99.99% sure that my endometriosis is back and taking over.  I have not felt well.  Old symptoms have been cropping up.

I'm thinking about scheduling an appointment with a doctor in Tennessee who uses NaProTechnology with the Creighton model.  I don't really know enough about it to explain it, so for those of you who are as unfamiliar with it as I am, maybe you'll keep reading as I learn about it.  The doctor in question is not deterred by our situation, apparently. 

I've got an ultrasound scheduled on September 3rd with my OBGYN to re-evaluate my ovary, but doing any further testing is entirely up to me.  I think at that point it could be a good time to set up a consultation with the NaPro guy.

I'm so frustrated by this disease.  Nobody can tell you WHY you get it, therefore there is no real way to prevent it.  The best way to slow the growth is to get pregnant, but duh--that's the whole issue: I.can't.get.pregnant!  We also have male factor infertility, so I just feel like we're stuck between a rock and a hard place.  On the one hand, even if I can't get pregnant, I still don't want to lose my other ovary to this disease.

Just feeling frustrated by infertility these days.

I had a day about a week ago where I absolutely fell apart.  We had prayed so much over the past month.  So when my cycle started as usual, it just crushed me.  I still don't know why I feel so affected by something that has plagued us for over six years.  I kept apologizing to my husband while I sobbed into his polo shirt.  He, ever patient and loving, just held me and told me to stop apologizing, that it is perfectly understandable to be sad, that we both had hoped and prayed so much.  I laid in his arms, stretched out across the couch and just wept uncontrollably.  I really can't explain why I felt so...bereft.

The silver lining in all of this was the little person who kept leaning over me on the couch and saying, "Mommy?" in a tiny, uncertain voice while smothering me with kisses and patting my shoulder.  He would then do something silly, hoping I would laugh.  Which I did, even with tears running down my cheeks.  It was good medicine.

The Lord is good to remind me that He has blessed me beyond belief.  

I wish I had something more encouraging to write, but my heart is struggling these days so I don't want to pretend all is well.  I mean, all is well considering how things could be.  But my emotions are a bit out of sorts, and I'm back in the school of trust, praying that the Lord would forgive my unbelief.  Not that I believe He has promised me more children--He makes no such promises in His Word.  But, rather, praying that He would imprint on my mind that He is sovereign and good, faithful to do what will bring Him glory, faithful to sanctify me in the times of struggle.

Oh, may He keep me faithful.


Elaine said...

Oh I read your post my heart just broke for you. I remember your pain all too well. And your sweet baby boy trying to confort you just makes my heart melt. He loves you so much and wants to take your pain away too. I pray with every ounce of my soul that God will grant you the desires of your heart. You're never far from my thoughts and prayers, sweet friend!

tea said...

I can identify with how you feel. We've had many months with that same result. You're in my prayers. I know it's hard. I'm so glad we know Jesus and can lean into him and learn from him in these times though.
Love to you.

Bryan and Chelsey said...

Oh sweet friend. I so badly want to be able to go through a Sbux, show up a your house and give you the biggest hug ever. IF is such a dark, vicious circle and even with all the joy that surrounds us, our hearts still hurt so deeply. There is no explanation, but I know you have a huge support group - and I hope you know you can talk to me anytime. Love you!

Immeasurably More Mama said...

I'm so sorry that you are hurting and in a really tough spot.Praying for you, friend.

Allison said...

oh girlfriend.
breaks my heart.
thanking God for the moments of sweet relief brought to us by our sons, huh...
i spent some time looking up that system you mention at the end, and i'm still confused -- never heard of it! i will pray the Lord uses it and that it's helpful for you both.
hopefully a little UPS delivery will brighten your day, today... :)

Bibliosophy and Friends said...


I've been a reader for 2+ years now, but I'm not sure I've ever commented. Just wanted to share that we were so blessed to find a NaPro doctor close to where we live, and he was able to successfully treat our infertility. Plus, because of the unique beliefs underlying the NaPro approach, our doctor was simply a wonderful man, which did much to ease the pain/humiliation associated with infertility. Do email me ( if you have any questions about the system.

Prayers with your family as you navigate this difficult path.

Anonymous said... name is Alicia and I was searching for some christian infertility blogs and found yours. I read through the whole thing and am so happy i found it! It was so uplifting to me and encouraging to me. I hope I can rely on God as much as you have and do in your journey. Thank you so much for sharing!