Friday, September 3, 2010


The more I think about it, the more okay I am with the results I got today.  At first, I was disappointed, but now I think I should be thankful that the situation isn't worse.

The mass on the ovary is still there, and is still measuring 2 cm which is good because that means in two months it has not grown.  Additionally, there was some kind of fluid or something surrounding the mass two months ago that is not there anymore.  This is also really good. My doctor was more concerned two months ago than she is now that that fluid has disappeared.  There is no way for her to know 100% that this mass is not cancerous unless she is holding my ovary in her hands (no thanks), but she really doesn't think it that it is.  Given my health history, my symptoms, my blood tests, and my history of an ovarian endometrioma, it is pretty safe to say that my endometriosis is just a repeat offender. 

Our options include re-evaluating in 4 months or surgically removing the tumor.  My doctor doesn't recommend surgery at this point because of the lack of growth and because the risks involved in surgery which could not only cost what little fertility I have left but could also throw me into menopause (if the ovary is compromised during surgery)--in other words, I obviously don't have a third ovary to fall back on if something goes wrong with this one during surgery.  I don't want to take that risk just yet.  We opted for the 4 month re-evaluation.

Seeing as how the tumor did improve in appearance, I am more determined than ever to pray for its disappearance by January.  :)  In my doctor's words, "Endometriomas never go away. You have to remove them."  How I would love, for so many reasons, to go in for my ultrasound in January and see absolutely nothing growing on my ovary.  I definitely can't say that God will do that, but there is certainly nothing wrong with praying that He might, right?  In addition to that, though, I want to pray that this whole situation somehow brings Him glory and/or conforms me more into the image of Christ. 

Now that I've given you the update on the ovary, on to the next order of business: my uterus.  Apparently, I have a thickened endometrial lining (uterus lining), but my doctor isn't sure why.  It could have something to do with where I am in my cycle (CD 22) or just a fluke altogether, but when I start a new cycle, I have to have another ultrasound just to make sure the lining is back to the proper thickness (no charge for this one--thanks, Doc!).  If it's not, I will need to have a D&C to get it back to normal.  (If you're counting, between July and January, I will have had FOUR ultrasounds.  I'm pretty sure my insurance is not covering all of these.)

If by January the mass hasn't grown, then my doctor feels we can continue with our IF (re)testing (HSG, SA, etc.).
At this point, I'm not sure if I even want to continue.  It feels like too much.
Am I borrowing trouble?  Should I just leave it alone?  Is it selfish to pursue this and sink more money into it?  I don't know.  Just when I think I'm ready to move past my desire to conceive, I see about a million pregnancy announcements or bump into a dozen glowing women blessed with a baby belly and it just crushes me.  Will I ever be able to walk away from this desire?  Should we pursue adoption again instead, knowing that the need for families is great in some areas?
I need some more time to think about it, which is fine since I can't really do anything until January anyway. 

As far as today's appointment, though, I'm really thankful that the mass hasn't grown.  That's a huge blessing.

P.S. Whatever you do, please do NOT google "thick uterine lining" and then tell me all about it as it will point you to the big C word and I just don't need to think about that right now.  Just sayin'.


Today we'll find out if my ovarian tumor has grown or if, as we have hoped and prayed, it is gone. 
It is hard not to be afraid, but at the same time comforting to know that the Lord is good regardless of the outcome.

I covet your prayers, and I will update later today.  To those of you who have emailed recently, I apologize for not responding yet.  I do so appreciate your kind words and encouragement.