Wednesday, May 26, 2010

::trippy email::

I'm pretty sure my email account somehow marked some emails as spam that weren't spam...and me thinking they were spam...well, I hit the delete button of course just before seeing the word "adoption" in the subject line.

If you recently sent me an email regarding adoption, please resend it! 

:::
Not much to write about here.  I had really hoped I was pregnant this month.  Turned out to be a G. I. issue instead.  
Anyway.
Moving on.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

::the big pretender::

I can't help it.  Mother's Day still feels weird to me. 

[I keep going back and forth about putting this post up and I'm not sure why.]

I feel like people are acknowledging that I'm a mom because of the almost-two-year-old attached to my hip.  But I feel like it's a consolation prize sort of acknowledgment...not because people don't really think I'm a mom, but because even after two years I still sometimes don't feel like a mom.  If that isn't the most backward thinking, I don't know what it is.  In my head, I picture the thoughts of others as they see me with my obviously adopted son. 
Do I still meet the standard of "mom"? 
Would this feeling go away if I miraculously got pregnant? 
Will it feel this way until I have as many Mother's Days under my belt as a mom as I did before I became one? 
Are all infertiles indelibly scarred with a raw, unnameable emotion surrounding this holiday?
:::
I have to remind myself that this is no game.  I am a mother, even though I came about it through adoption and not birth.  Just because I don't feel worthy of the title doesn't make me less a title-holder. 
I enjoy being loved on by my husband and son on Mother's Day, but I still feel like a huge tangle of emotions I can't quite describe. 

And I guess for that reason, both last year and this year--I didn't anticipate the day like I thought I would.