Friday, January 14, 2011

::changing lanes::

As you all have watched me struggle through 2010 with my desire to be pregnant, my news might surprise you.  I'm not even sure I am can word the metamorphosis my emotions and desires have gone through.  In my mind, it can only be the leading of the Lord.  This thing I have pursued and longed for and prayed a way I can't explain, I have been able to walk away from it for a season.

After many weeks of praying and talking and praying and talking, my husband and I have come to the conclusion that God is leading us away from infertility treatments and towards adoption.  To be quite specific, we both have been burdened for orphans in Ethiopia.  It has been quite a journey in my heart to realize that again God might be withholding pregnancy for the purpose of bringing a child into our family who needs a family. This feels and looks a lot like it did when we walked away from an infertility specialist's office and planted our feet firmly on the path to adoption.  It's easy to see that God was preparing our home and hearts for a baby boy who needed parents.   Perhaps that is the way He is working in our hearts now.

This process will be long, but we are excited and compelled to work through it to hopefully bring home a child(ren) who is in need of family and love and the Gospel.
I decided to blog through the process much like I did through our last adoption, but the updates may be less frequent since the process will be much longer, given that we are adopting internationally this time.  If you care to follow us, I will be blogging at our family blog.  We are currently praying about which agency to use (we have four that we are looking at).  I am not sure how much I will blog here, but because infertility never really goes away (for me, anyway), perhaps I will pop in every once and a while.

I am so thankful and humbled to write that my heart is so full of joy and peace.  God has used His Word over the past 6 months to both rebuke and comfort me, to teach and to encourage me.  I feel that He has given me a more eternal lens through which to view my infertility right now, and I am not (at the moment) fighting against His sovereignty, but rather--resting in it.  Oh, how faithful is our God who is both firm and tender with His children!  I have been so mired in selfishness and self-pity.  But He has graciously corrected (and is currently correcting) me in my sin and revealing the areas in my life where I am not loving Him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.

As far as my current physical issues, I do have an ultrasound on February 2nd to check the growth of the tumor on my ovary.  I do covet your prayers that the mass will have disappeared.  While I am content for now to not pursue any treatment to get pregnant, I am still a little fearful of losing my only ovary, which would not only render me sterile but which would also throw my body into early menopause.  It is one of those things where I pray and am desperate for healing but also for the Lord to sustain me whatever the outcome.  Please pray for me if you think about it!  I'll update with news on that appointment.

Thanks to those of you who have prayed me through the past 6 months (you know who you are!).  It was one of those seasons where I hated living it, but I can see now how good it was for me to walk through difficulty and depression and learn how faithful and near and good our God is.  He is so good.