Friday, January 14, 2011

::changing lanes::

As you all have watched me struggle through 2010 with my desire to be pregnant, my news might surprise you.  I'm not even sure I am can word the metamorphosis my emotions and desires have gone through.  In my mind, it can only be the leading of the Lord.  This thing I have pursued and longed for and prayed for....in a way I can't explain, I have been able to walk away from it for a season.

After many weeks of praying and talking and praying and talking, my husband and I have come to the conclusion that God is leading us away from infertility treatments and towards adoption.  To be quite specific, we both have been burdened for orphans in Ethiopia.  It has been quite a journey in my heart to realize that again God might be withholding pregnancy for the purpose of bringing a child into our family who needs a family. This feels and looks a lot like it did when we walked away from an infertility specialist's office and planted our feet firmly on the path to adoption.  It's easy to see that God was preparing our home and hearts for a baby boy who needed parents.   Perhaps that is the way He is working in our hearts now.

This process will be long, but we are excited and compelled to work through it to hopefully bring home a child(ren) who is in need of family and love and the Gospel.
I decided to blog through the process much like I did through our last adoption, but the updates may be less frequent since the process will be much longer, given that we are adopting internationally this time.  If you care to follow us, I will be blogging at our family blog.  We are currently praying about which agency to use (we have four that we are looking at).  I am not sure how much I will blog here, but because infertility never really goes away (for me, anyway), perhaps I will pop in every once and a while.

I am so thankful and humbled to write that my heart is so full of joy and peace.  God has used His Word over the past 6 months to both rebuke and comfort me, to teach and to encourage me.  I feel that He has given me a more eternal lens through which to view my infertility right now, and I am not (at the moment) fighting against His sovereignty, but rather--resting in it.  Oh, how faithful is our God who is both firm and tender with His children!  I have been so mired in selfishness and self-pity.  But He has graciously corrected (and is currently correcting) me in my sin and revealing the areas in my life where I am not loving Him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.

As far as my current physical issues, I do have an ultrasound on February 2nd to check the growth of the tumor on my ovary.  I do covet your prayers that the mass will have disappeared.  While I am content for now to not pursue any treatment to get pregnant, I am still a little fearful of losing my only ovary, which would not only render me sterile but which would also throw my body into early menopause.  It is one of those things where I pray and am desperate for healing but also for the Lord to sustain me whatever the outcome.  Please pray for me if you think about it!  I'll update with news on that appointment.

Thanks to those of you who have prayed me through the past 6 months (you know who you are!).  It was one of those seasons where I hated living it, but I can see now how good it was for me to walk through difficulty and depression and learn how faithful and near and good our God is.  He is so good.

11 comments:

Amber said...

Loved you post! I am excited for where God is leading you and for the peace he has given. Praise God, we both know that only He can take away certain desires, and give us new ones! I'm excited to follow you and your family in this journey. Also, praying for a miracle at your next appt. and that he would be glorified!

Ang said...

i've never met you... and i hate that. :( i love this blog... i LOVE it. you know your words have challenged me. i'll continue to pray that you'll have peace and joy that only He can offer as you pursue the adoption of another blessing. :)

Rebekah said...

I think that is wonderful news! It's hard to imagine God withholding good gifts from his children...but in our cases, I think he does it because he a) knows we can handle it and b) he needs us.

The sheer number of orphans that exist inside and outside this country is astounding.

I'm excited to see how God molds and shapes your family. Rest assured that your life story will be more beautiful than anything you could have dreamed up or designed yourself.

Kathryn said...

:)

Melissa said...

Having prayed for children for many years, my heart is softened to you. I love your heart for the Lord, and I love your heart for babies who need warm and loving homes. What a joy and honor to hold His children in our arms!

Ashley said...

I am so PROUD of you!!! I know it is only by God's grace and leading that you are able to feel this way, but I also know there are so many women out there that don't listen to the leading of the Lord. I thank God that you were able to discern His voice. It is so inspiring to me! I think adoption is such a perfect example of God's love for us--adopting us into His kingdom as our Abba Father. It's a beautiful representation. God bless you in your pursuits toward international adoption! I am praying for a smooth journey, swift and without snags :)

Heather said...

I loved reading this post. Your description of the change in plans from fertility treatments to adoption sound a lot like mine. And totally God lead! I am thankful for those days that lead us to adoption even though they were hard. I wouldn't want to do it again, but am thankful none the less. We are currently on the waitlist w/ AGCI.

Elaine said...

Hi Glenna! I was just thinking of you. Wanted to let you know that I continue to pray for you. Would love an update :) Hugs, Sweet Friend!

Missie said...

So blessed to hear this! I feel like my husband and I are in the same boat as well in a lot of ways, we began stepping back from the treatments and began to focus on adoption and God has opened a door for us to adopt a precious baby boy due to be born in May...to say I am awestruck would be an understatement. He is good, He is faithful. God bless you and your family on your newest adventure with Him!
-Missie

Anonymous said...

I like you have struggled with infertility for a very long time(ten years). I feel like closing the very painful wound of infertility(we can't afford the costly IVF and it's slim chances of working). I wonder what brought you to wanting to try adoption was if after you had tried several treatments thru your IVF clinic? or was it like what happened with me I just woke up one day as I turned 30 and said to myself enough we can't afford the IVF and by the time we save for it we will be to told to effectively parent. So I'm thinking about adoption yet i don't think my husband is there yet do i wait for him to come around or do i tell him how badly I feel about our infertility and this desire to be a mom?

glenna marshall said...

Anonymous-
Adoption has always been a part of our plans, but early in our marriage, we thought that we would adopt "someday"...meaning, after our biological children were born. Infertility just pushed us to that track that much faster because we knew we didn't want to spend a lot of time and money on treatments given that our odds of success were extremely low (because our particular diagnosis). We felt our money was better invested in a child that was already conceived that would need a family. (If you read a post I wrote back in January or early February of 2008 there is more of an explanation on our decision regarding treatment before our first adoption.) Nobody can really tell you to go one way or another--that is a personal decision.
My husband and I were both fully on board with adoption, though, and so I think you need to have a frank conversation with your husband about how you are feeling. To me, it came down to the question: if I HAVE to choose, do I want to be pregnant or do I want to be a mother?
I wanted to be a mother, even if that meant bypassing the normal route of getting there. Of course I really wanted to be pregnant and give birth, but if that wasn't an option but adoption was, then that was the route we'd go.

I'm so thankful we did--our son is four now and a wonderful blessing. I wouldn't trade his adoption for all the biological children in the world. And now we are in the process of adopting from Ethiopia...I know I'll feel the same way when our next child is home.

I just encourage you to pray, talk with your husband--have lots of conversations--this decision to adopt is a heavy one and is not an easy thing to just jump in to. I highly recommend reading Russ Moore's book--Adopted for Life. Read it with your husband--I think it will help you as you ponder adoption and infertility.

I don't know if I can answer any more questions, but please feel free to ask them! You can email me at ineedsomecoffee@hotmail.com

-Glenna