Dr. Russell Moore (author of Adopted for Life) speaks on the topics of adoption and infertility on the following interviews with Family Life. I listened to the one titled "Grappling with Infertility" and part of "Embracing Adoption" while out jogging early this morning, and I was both encouraged and convicted.
Dr. Moore addresses some of the same topics that he writes about in his book, but he also touches a little more on the areas of sin that many infertile people struggle with--areas of sin that no one will call them out for because they feel sorry for their infertile friends. I found this to be so interesting because the sin of bitterness, resentment, and anger were ones I've struggled with on and off for years, but especially during the first two years of our infertility.
Thankfully, I did have a dear friend who dared to call me out for the bitterness growing in my heart after it became apparent that I couldn't get pregnant. It was about six years ago that she met me at a coffee shop, armed with books and a look of determination. She talked long and hard to me about the areas of sin she saw taking root in me--because she loved me and didn't want to see me totally captive to my sin simply because I couldn't get pregnant. I am so thankful she had the gumption and conviction to do such a thing. It hurt at the time, but it was a wounding I needed.
Throughout the seven years that we have been infertile, I have gone back and forth with my emotions and reactions to our inability to conceive. After listening to my husband's sermon on Sunday and hearing Dr. Moore's thoughts on this subject (both in his book Adopted for Life and the audio files I am recommending to you), it became clear to me that even though I had confessed my areas of sin to the Lord over and over, I never really repented of this feeling of entitlement--that I had a right to either conceive or at least know why He wouldn't allow us to conceive. I have felt really humbled in this area. And saddened by my lack of trust in the Lord because I didn't get my way.
I'm not writing this to make any of my infertile friends feel guilty for how much they hurt over their infertility.
It does hurt, sister.
It's not wrong to desire to become pregnant.
But it is wrong to demand it, to shake your fist at the Lord when you get negative test after negative test, and it's wrong to let bitterness and resentment towards all your fertile friends take root and grow in your heart.
I am speaking from some ugly experience here.
Aside from the Lord, my husband is my greatest witness as to how the enemy has used infertility to gain a foothold into my heart. At times, my anger and unbelief seemed greater than my faith and trust in the Lord's sovereignty. Those are scary days.
But--praise God that He is stronger, greater, and more able than the enemy or my own heart! He has taken this hard thing and used it to humble me, to rebuke me, to both wound and heal me. Again and again.
Be encouraged....the Lord's grace is sufficient for you.