Thursday, April 17, 2014

{10}

During the month of April ten years ago we decided to "see what happens." 

What happened was a long, weary battle with infertility. 

It was a struggle that I never saw coming. 
Me?  
Not be able to have children?  
This can't be my life.

But it was.

After 3+ years, we were blessed with a child through adoption.  Our son is just the greatest gift we could have ever asked for in our longing to be parents. I cannot imagine my life without him.

He is now almost 6 years old.   I am amazed at how quickly time has passed.  I feel like I blinked and went from having an infant to a kindergartener. 

It's amazing to me, too, that we've been trying to grow our family during this entire time. 
Again with the infertility stuff, again with adoption, again with waiting and an unforeseeable ending to that waiting. 

Waiting seems to be my lot in life.  I know people who sure look like they've never had to wait for anything, and I wonder why the Lord saw fit to make me wait. 
Why? 
Why, especially when I'm so bad at it? 


I'm slowly coming out of a very dry, very painful season in my life.  It's actually not related to infertility or waiting out adoption plans.  Those things certainly make for additional internal conflicts, but they are not the source.  Plodding through this very draining season has been teaching me in slow, painful revelations that perseverance is really important in the Christian life.  I've been so ready to hang up my hat and just find something else to focus on.  But the life God has called me to is ever before me, and I must take it up either with joy or without. Pressing on is not optional.  But how I do so is.  The choice is mine.  My husband is ever gently encouraging me to examine my heart.  When all the circumstances are tough, draining, frustrating, exasperating...I still have to examine my heart.  The circumstances don't give me freedom to decide just to be angry and let that anger take up residence in my heart and mind.
Some of my emotions about things lately harken back to how I have felt about infertility during the last decade.  And what I see in me is a constant resistance to accepting anything from the Lord that I don't like. Sometimes I want to throttle myself and yell "Don't you remember all the hard won lessons you've learned through infertility??  Don't unlearn them by choosing to stay in a snit!
What is most humiliating and shameful is this:
By complaining to Him and demanding something different, I am actually judging God and His sovereignty.  

Who am I to ever judge the Almighty? 
I am but dust. 

He is good.
He is wise.
He is slow to anger and quick to love.
He is faithful. 
He is constant. 

He may have asked me to carry a small burden, but it wasn't because He didn't love me or didn't want to bless me.  He has asked me to carry it because He does love me and He is more devoted to my sanctification--in my becoming like Jesus--than I am.  And that rarely happens with a life of smooth sailing.  It happens through the hard stuff.  That's how we become like Jesus--knowing Him in His sufferings.
And thankfully He's more interested in that than in my getting what I think I deserve. 



What I really want in this moment are open hands.
Less resistance.
Less fighting with His plan.
Less selfishness.

More Him.
More Him.
More Him.


Here are some verses that have been settling heavily all around my heart this week:
"Though the fig tree does not bud
    and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
    and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
    and no cattle in the stalls, 

 yet I will rejoice in the Lord,
    I will be joyful in God my Savior.

 The Sovereign Lord is my strength;
    he makes my feet like the feet of a deer,
    he enables me to tread on the heights."
{Habakkuk 3:17-19}

Now that's a passage that really encompasses trusting the Lord no matter how barren, bleak, or hopeless the situation seems.  The LORD is to be the source of our joy and strength.  Not the ins and outs of our lives, schedules, relationships, things we have or have not. 
Him.  
He is the source. 

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God has been good to me.  I could never deserve or merit His goodness. He just gives because He delights in doing so.
Here is one of His sweetest gifts to me:
Our cup runneth over. 




1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Thank you for sharing this! As another one walking a long and challenging journey, this was just the reminder and challenge I needed. Thank you so much for sharing!