hope & despair mingled together

::end of the road::

2011-09-17T09:01:00.000-06:00

The other night I dreamed I had newborn twins. A boy and a girl.

I was relaying the dream to my husband the next morning while we were lounging in bed, during those moments when you are just enough awake to describe your dream in detail before you forget it completely with the sound of your alarm and the warmth of your shower. I laughed as I described how my mom kept dressing the boy twin in an Woody costume from Toy Story.
My husband laughed, too, and then asked if the babies were biological or adopted.

"I don't know," I said. "It didn't seem to matter in the dream."

And honestly, that "not mattering" seems to be true for my life these past six months or so. I do not know what has happened to me, what has caused my deep longing for biological children to ease and even dissipate a little.
A year ago my emotions were in shambles, and I walked around with a heart that felt shredded and exposed. In vain I tried to put the scraps of flesh back together until I realized it just felt better to live in my pain.
And I did.
Wallowed would probably be a more fitting term.
It was a hard, crippling time for me. I felt paralyzed by my unfulfilled desires. I was almost too depressed to be angry about that. At the time my husband was preaching through the book of Romans, and as I grappled with my crisis of faith, it was the hard truth of God's sovereignty that both wounded and healed my heart. How like God to use a difficult doctrine to teach me about His love for me.

As time crept by, the attempts at patching up my heart fell to the wayside as the Word of God healed me permanently. Months slipped by before I realized that the nearly constant pain of my infertility had...well, stopped. I remember looking at the calendar sometime in June and thinking, "This hasn't bothered me in months. What's happened to me?"

I think it's a number of things. I think God has provided some miraculous healing to my heart, but I also think He has used time to ease the perpetual ache. His Word has rebuked, corrected, wounded, and bound up my heart with healing. And God has used adoption to teach me that I can love a child not of my womb more than I thought was humanly possible. He has taught me that perhaps the very purpose of our infertilty can be seen in the faces of our son and our future Ethiopian blessing.

A couple of weeks ago, my husband read Psalm 127 during our call to worship at the beginning of corporate worship. I used to read that Psalm and weep. Why could we not have a reward or heritage? Even after our son came to us, I felt like we were exempt from that Psalm. But, it dawned on me a few weeks ago, that although our son wasn't the fruit of my womb, he was still of somebody's womb and because he is our son, he is our heritage and reward, our blessing. And so will our next child be. (Maybe that's poor interpretation...I hope not.)

And so I come to what feels like the end of a road. I don't know what to say about infertility anymore. It is still a part of my life--I expect it always will be. But I don't harbor any hope for conceiving anymore. It feels like a far-off dream that I can't describe in great detail anymore because the pain that was necessary for its description feels nearly as far-off.

Instead of infertility characterizing my life like it has for nearly eight years, I feel like I am moving on to a new phase of characterization. I hope it's something full of joy.
I know I will still have difficult, awkward moments when someone else's pregnancy causes that band of longing to squeeze painfully around my heart. I know hospital visits to new mothers with new babies will be touched with the faint reminder that I am unlikely to find myself in their position. But I am tired of living my life in the shadow of embracing what God has blessed me with.

It is time to move on.
Praise God from whom all blessings flow.

::thankful::

2011-05-08T15:19:00.000-06:00

I am so blessed and thankful to be his mommy.

I so appreciated my pastor-husband's prayer this morning at church as he prayed for women who long to be mothers, women who have lost mothers, and women who simply are mothers. This day can be hard for women in all seasons of life.
I've prayed for many of you with this in mind.

-glenna-

::remember the infertile on mother's day::

2011-05-06T09:52:00.003-06:00

I thought this was very thoughtful post (yet again by Russell Moore!):
http://www.russellmoore.com/2011/05/05/remember-the-infertile-on-mothers-day/

Also another good one from Justin Taylor:
http://thegospelcoalition.org/blogs/justintaylor/2011/05/06/infertility-and-mothers-day/

Mother's Day (and Father's Day) can be hard for all kinds of people for all kinds of reasons.

::a rarely addressed topic: sin & infertility::

2011-05-04T15:11:00.003-06:00

Dr. Russell Moore (author of Adopted for Life) speaks on the topics of adoption and infertility on the following interviews with Family Life. I listened to the one titled "Grappling with Infertility" and part of "Embracing Adoption" while out jogging early this morning, and I was both encouraged and convicted.

Dr. Moore addresses some of the same topics that he writes about in his book, but he also touches a little more on the areas of sin that many infertile people struggle with--areas of sin that no one will call them out for because they feel sorry for their infertile friends. I found this to be so interesting because the sin of bitterness, resentment, and anger were ones I've struggled with on and off for years, but especially during the first two years of our infertility.

Thankfully, I did have a dear friend who dared to call me out for the bitterness growing in my heart after it became apparent that I couldn't get pregnant. It was about six years ago that she met me at a coffee shop, armed with books and a look of determination. She talked long and hard to me about the areas of sin she saw taking root in me--because she loved me and didn't want to see me totally captive to my sin simply because I couldn't get pregnant. I am so thankful she had the gumption and conviction to do such a thing. It hurt at the time, but it was a wounding I needed.

Throughout the seven years that we have been infertile, I have gone back and forth with my emotions and reactions to our inability to conceive. After listening to my husband's sermon on Sunday and hearing Dr. Moore's thoughts on this subject (both in his book Adopted for Life and the audio files I am recommending to you), it became clear to me that even though I had confessed my areas of sin to the Lord over and over, I never really repented of this feeling of entitlement--that I had a right to either conceive or at least know why He wouldn't allow us to conceive. I have felt really humbled in this area. And saddened by my lack of trust in the Lord because I didn't get my way.

I'm not writing this to make any of my infertile friends feel guilty for how much they hurt over their infertility.
It does hurt, sister.
It's not wrong to desire to become pregnant.

But it is wrong to demand it, to shake your fist at the Lord when you get negative test after negative test, and it's wrong to let bitterness and resentment towards all your fertile friends take root and grow in your heart.
I am speaking from some ugly experience here.

Aside from the Lord, my husband is my greatest witness as to how the enemy has used infertility to gain a foothold into my heart. At times, my anger and unbelief seemed greater than my faith and trust in the Lord's sovereignty. Those are scary days.

But--praise God that He is stronger, greater, and more able than the enemy or my own heart! He has taken this hard thing and used it to humble me, to rebuke me, to both wound and heal me. Again and again.

Be encouraged....the Lord's grace is sufficient for you.

::do you trust God when you cannot see the whole picture?::

2011-05-02T13:12:00.000-06:00

My husband's sermon on the Job 1:1-2:1 0 made me really think about how I have handled certain hardships in my life. While it's nothing compared to the trials Job endured, I felt so much conviction for my choosing not to "suffer well," for demanding answers from a God who sure doesn't owe me any answers.
I hope you'll take a listen.

::Adopted for Life Giveaway::

2011-04-07T13:20:00.000-06:00

We're giving away a copy of Russell Moore's book Adopted for Life on our family blog. Even if you're still working through your infertility and don't think adoption is in the cards for you, this book is still a great encouragement as Dr. Moore unpacks the spiritual adoption of Christians into the family of God. I can't recommend this book enough. :)

Hop on over to enter!

::surgery update::

2011-03-18T08:44:00.002-06:00

Feeling a little tired and a little too dopey to say much here, so I'm just going to copy a post from our family blog. I'll be back in a few days to say more, but for now this is all I've got. :)

::thankful::
Just a quick post to update on my surgery.

My doctor was able to excise the tumor without damaging the ovary, which was our biggest concern. There wasn't as much endometriosis as suspected, so surgery was much quicker than we thought it would be. We are so thankful for this outcome--everything seems to have gone very well. I had to stay at the hospital for much of the day because I don't do well under anesthesia. My blood pressure runs low, and I set off alarms all day long because we couldn't get it up. After a lot of sleep, pain, and nausea, I finally started responding to some anti-nausea meds in my IV, and was able to leave shortly after.

I am feeling okay today, just super sore and doped up, of course. The worst pain I've had has been severe shoulder pain, which is a side effect of the gas they put in my abdominal cavity so the robot can do its thing during surgery. I also feel like I've done about 2,000 sit-ups. Sore.

Overall, though, this morning I am feeling better (at least for now), and am so thankful the Lord has spared my ovary in this surgery.

I am feeling a little fuzzy around the edges...and I might look back at this post and wonder how I was able to string any words together...it's probably not a good idea to be writing while medicated. But, I wanted everyone to know we are doing well, and I so appreciate all the phone calls, texts, emails, meals, flowers, and prayers.

I feel so very blessed.

::peace that passes my understanding::

2011-02-28T14:40:00.000-06:00

Where to begin?

I finally went in for my follow-up ultrasound this morning. We have prayed and prayed and hoped and hoped, and even though my stomach was a ball of nerves this morning, I felt more peace than I expected to. I texted a bunch of friends and had them all praying for me, and I can't quite explain the peace that filled my soul. My friend Shawdi was driving to St. Louis, so rather than text me back (smart thinking, that one), she just called and talked me through things and prayed for me while we were both heading down the interstate. (Note to self: remind Shaw not to close her eyes while praying on the interstate next time.) I love that my friends do that kind of thing for me. Another friend sent me a text saying she had prayed for me for twenty minutes this morning without knowing that I had this appointment today. All the other texts I received were full of encouragements and prayers. I am blessed.

Once checked in, I laid on the table in the sonography room and forced myself to not look at the screen. Why yes, she is taking about 8 million pictures which is freaking me out, but I will not look at the screen.

Well, okay...I did look maybe twice. Looked like a bunch of shapes and shadows to me at first, but then one glimpse of my ovary made me look away. It had a weird shape. Nope, no more looking for me--honest!
As I stared at the ceiling, I prayed. The whole time. Whatever the results, Lord, give me grace to handle it. Get glory from this. Prepare me. Heal me. Help me to trust in Your sovereignty.
He is faithful. Even though I knew there was no instant healing, He was giving me an abundance of peace and grace to handle the results.
Sure, I was anxious. Sitting in a gown in the exam room waiting on results, I couldn't read the book I brought or flip through a magazine. I stared at the bulletin board in front of me full of pictures of babies my doctor delivered. I looked at the poster with the cross section diagram of the pregnant woman and her baby in utero. I sat on the edge of the table and swung my legs back and forth repeatedly to keep from jumping out of my skin. I prayed.

And then the results. The tumor is definitely still there. It has not grown, but it is solid and has not shrunk. In other news, endometriosis has adhered my ovary to my uterus. This explains the recent bouts of pain I have had over the past two months. I have had more of the gripping pain that I used to have before my surgery two-and-a-half years ago. Now I know for sure that my endo is back.

My doctor recommends surgery.

After talking through it with her, I am in agreement. She is going to use the da Vinci surgery this time as it will give her more ability to remove the tumor without compromising the ovary. This is where the risk lies. If something happens during surgery and she has to take my ovary, I will be thrust into early menopause. I'll be thirty in June. I have never been pregnant. This risk is the thing that scares me most. That said, however, I could do nothing and let the tumor grow which could force me into a surgery later that would likely cause me to lose my ovary anyway--like the last time. I feel that it's best to be proactive now when my ovary could be saved rather than to end up in a situation like last time where I have no choice but to lose the ovary. During surgery, they will also remove any endometriosis they find, and will do a D&C because yet again, my uterine lining is a little too much on the thick side.

So, while the risk is scary, I will just have to trust in the Lord's sovereignty. He is faithful and His ways are right. If, for some reason, His plan at some point includes a partial hysterectomy, then He is still good. I admit, it's hard to write that and believe it, but it is true. My fertility or lack thereof doesn't change a thing about His character. It merely means that He will hold me close as He leads me down a different path. I could not have said this months ago, and I may struggle to say it if this is indeed the outcome should something go wrong in surgery, but I have to preach it to myself. My husband's sermon yesterday (which will up in a day or two; it's on Romans 16:25-27) was exactly what I needed to prepare myself for this day. I have to know Who to run to, what to cling to. The gospel. That is my beginning and end and everything in between.
As I drove home today, I was so encouraged by the fact that God has used His Word to prepare me for this. My faith has grown over the past couple of months, and I feel that though the outcome could be grim, He is preparing me to not only handle it, but to find joy in it.
I can't conjure this up on my own. Only He could do that.

No power of hell, no scheme of man could ever pluck me from His hand.
For I am His, and He is mine, bought with the precious blood of Christ.

This could slow down our adoption process a little, but that's just the way it has to be, I guess. I can't even tell you how God has provided for us financially, thus far. I am blown away. There was something so freeing about walking into this appointment today with paperwork for my doctor to fill out regarding our future adoption. I didn't feel so desperate as I stared at those diagrams and baby pictures in the exam room. God is clearly leading us down a different path than we had planned, and it is that plan that is helping me to accept the shrinking possibility of my first plan. I counted it joy to tell my doctor today that God has led us again towards adoption.

I am still processing things in my head and my heart, but I can't get over the fact that God has transcended my understanding with His peace. Oh, what a gracious gift! Oh, what an indescribable blessing to know that my identity is sealed in Christ.

No guilt in life, no fear in death--this is the power of Christ in me.
From life's first cry to final breath, Jesus commands my destiny!

::changing lanes::

2011-01-14T09:30:00.002-06:00

As you all have watched me struggle through 2010 with my desire to be pregnant, my news might surprise you. I'm not even sure I am can word the metamorphosis my emotions and desires have gone through. In my mind, it can only be the leading of the Lord. This thing I have pursued and longed for and prayed for....in a way I can't explain, I have been able to walk away from it for a season.

After many weeks of praying and talking and praying and talking, my husband and I have come to the conclusion that God is leading us away from infertility treatments and towards adoption. To be quite specific, we both have been burdened for orphans in Ethiopia. It has been quite a journey in my heart to realize that again God might be withholding pregnancy for the purpose of bringing a child into our family who needs a family. This feels and looks a lot like it did when we walked away from an infertility specialist's office and planted our feet firmly on the path to adoption. It's easy to see that God was preparing our home and hearts for a baby boy who needed parents. Perhaps that is the way He is working in our hearts now.

This process will be long, but we are excited and compelled to work through it to hopefully bring home a child(ren) who is in need of family and love and the Gospel.
I decided to blog through the process much like I did through our last adoption, but the updates may be less frequent since the process will be much longer, given that we are adopting internationally this time. If you care to follow us, I will be blogging at our family blog. We are currently praying about which agency to use (we have four that we are looking at). I am not sure how much I will blog here, but because infertility never really goes away (for me, anyway), perhaps I will pop in every once and a while.

I am so thankful and humbled to write that my heart is so full of joy and peace. God has used His Word over the past 6 months to both rebuke and comfort me, to teach and to encourage me. I feel that He has given me a more eternal lens through which to view my infertility right now, and I am not (at the moment) fighting against His sovereignty, but rather--resting in it. Oh, how faithful is our God who is both firm and tender with His children! I have been so mired in selfishness and self-pity. But He has graciously corrected (and is currently correcting) me in my sin and revealing the areas in my life where I am not loving Him with all my heart, soul, mind, and strength.

As far as my current physical issues, I do have an ultrasound on February 2nd to check the growth of the tumor on my ovary. I do covet your prayers that the mass will have disappeared. While I am content for now to not pursue any treatment to get pregnant, I am still a little fearful of losing my only ovary, which would not only render me sterile but which would also throw my body into early menopause. It is one of those things where I pray and am desperate for healing but also for the Lord to sustain me whatever the outcome. Please pray for me if you think about it! I'll update with news on that appointment.

Thanks to those of you who have prayed me through the past 6 months (you know who you are!). It was one of those seasons where I hated living it, but I can see now how good it was for me to walk through difficulty and depression and learn how faithful and near and good our God is. He is so good.

::give yourself to the art of praise::

2010-12-14T07:41:00.002-06:00

Every time the holidays roll around, I start to feel a little desperate.

It's the one time of the year that we are together with all of our family members. It's a perfect time to make an "announcement," if you get what I mean. It's the time of year for families. For children. I track my cycles with even more vengeance than normal, if possible. I hope for an announcement to make at Thanksgiving, and then hold out for a miraculous Christmas gift, and then a New Year's surprise, and then...hope dwindling, perhaps a tiny Valentine. Or not.

The pressures of trying to conceive seem compounded by the holidays and family gatherings. I don't know why I put that pressure on myself--as if any of this in my control--because I know my family doesn't have that expectation of us anymore. They are just all happy to be together. It really is me that puts the pressure on myself.

Last Thursday night, with shaking hands I held a pregnancy test up to the light for what is quite possibly the 200th time. I searched for the miraculous. It wasn't there. I put the test down and tried to convince myself that hope wasn't lost quite yet. I was still within the ten minute time frame. I went to the kitchen and laid the test on the counter. I washed some dishes. I looked at the test. There was the faintest of lines that only the very trained eye of an infertile woman could see. ;) I knew straight away it was an evaporation line. My husband came home and looked at the test. He held it up in that familiar way--directly into the light, eyes squinting. He saw the line, but trusted my evaluation.
I tested again the next morning.
There never was a more negative test.
I hate, hate, hate that blank space on the stick looking back at me.

So I waited a couple of days with no sign of the inevitable. My hopes began to build. Maybe I just tested too early. Maybe this was the year, maybe this was the Christmas.

As it turned out, I was most definitely not pregnant.

I felt myself sinking into that black hole if despair. Not pregnant. How many cycles have I felt like this? Seventy-eight? Eighty? Eighty. I could feel the dark cloud of sadness settling over me. Not this time. Not this Christmas. Not this year.

That was Saturday night. We had planned to do some Christmas shopping, but I vetoed the idea after I began to feel a little sorry for myself. I felt that desperation turn to sadness. I knew I had a choice: wallow or fight. So I swallowed the ache in my throat and suggested we all climb in the car in our jammies and go look at Christmas lights. I made homemade hot chocolate that tasted a lot like drinking a Hershey bar. We drove around for about 40 minutes until our son was ready to get out of the car. We watched a Christmas movie, had our Advent devotions, and put our son to bed. I kept trying to ignore the temptation to slide into the mire of depression. It was there, though. Always there.

During our Advent devotions that night, the author of the book we're reading addressed the issue of sadness during the holidays. He mentioned Mary's most desperate situation--being betrothed to Joseph and yet with Child. How should she respond to a situation that likely ruined her reputation and made her a social outcast? "How could she do all of the will of God and not be destroyed by it?"* The author turned the situation to modern day types of suffering and depression, to submitting to God's sovereign authority over your life, even when it is difficult.
He writes (and please do not skim this--it's important!): "When the burdens of life are too much for you, when your tears know no encouragement, do not see this as a suffering that has come only to you. Read the Scriptures and you will see that nearly all of God's servants have suffered from depression. Men and women throughout history have felt the ugly talons of despair sink deeply into their souls, enduring a spiritual depression that can rarely be shaken off by intention alone. But there is a way to beat this despair...Give yourself to the art of praise....There is really only one way to deal with spiritual or psychological depression, one sure way to forget your grief: exalt the Lord. It is a wonder that in praising Him, we drive back the demons of self-pity. We cannot focus on His greatness and our depression at the same time. If we remain focused on how bad we feel, we will be unable to concentrate on the Savior. But focus on His greatness and you will find it impossible to dwell on your own painful circumstances...Let [praise] sweep the gloom from your heart and replace it with the joy that comes from adoration."*

I let those words sink into my soul, and I found that I could praise the Lord for my husband, my son, my salvation, grace, and so much more. And the pain is slowly minimized when your heart is filled with thankfulness. I'm not sure how to explain it, but focusing on Christ really does alleviate the depression that seeks to take up residence in your hurting heart.

I woke up Sunday morning feeling more like myself. I sat with my Bible and a cup of coffee in the early morning, praying while watching the snow fall quietly outside. The peace of Christ settled over me like a warm blanket. In the hours that followed during the day, I dealt repeatedly with the inviting temptation to give myself over to sadness, but what kept coming to mind was that our Savior was no stranger to sorrow. He was with me. His incarnation, His putting on of human flesh was to take on suffering of the deepest kind because it would send Him to His death and to the greatest kind of wedge between Him and His Father who could not gaze upon our sin. When I think of the great suffering of our Savior, when I think of His sacrifice for me, when I think of the very purpose of Him coming in the flesh as a helpless baby, my own sadness seems so small and inconsequential. And impossible to really dwell in because my joy, although marred by my sin and pain, MUST be founded upon God's character! It must be anchored in praise for who He is and what He has done.

In addition to the grace that God has poured out on my life regarding my salvation and continuing sanctification, there are other blessings He has lavished upon me. Yesterday I was reassured by my husband that God has given me above and beyond what I could ever ask for or expect. I do not deserve such gifts. How can I dare to muddle through this profoundly blessed life, constantly mired in my unfulfilled longings, all the while ignoring what God has so amazingly and graciously given me??? I must choose PRAISE! I must choose THANKFULNESS!

Sometimes I have these tiny moments of clarity which usually are coming on the coattails of a difficult revelation about myself. The more I walk through infertility, the more ugliness I see in my heart. And, thanks to my Lord and to my faithful husband William, the more grace I see flowing from the cross.

My encouragement to you this Christmas, if you are struggling with another holiday of just the two of you, give yourself to the art of praise. I can say this early, cold December morning that the Lord is faithful to fill your heart with joy that is only found in Him.

I am exceedingly blessed.

*The Christ of Christmas: Readings for Advent, by Calvin Miller. Quote taken from December 10th reading.

::letting go::

2010-12-03T08:23:00.001-06:00

I recently interviewed a fellow blogger, Tea, about her experiences with infertility. Tea has recently come to the point of moving past the burden of trying to conceive, and is now looking at her life as it is--blessed with a beautiful son through adoption. I found her words to be helpful and encouraging, and if you are in a place where you're wondering whether or not to move on, her sincere honesty and transparency may be just what you need to read. I found her answer to the question regarding what led to her decision to let go to be especially encouraging and inspiring....and in a way, convicting. I'm not sure I would have handled that experience with such grace.
Read her answers to my questions and be encouraged!

*Tea, tell us a little about yourself. How long have you been dealing with infertility?

I'm a follower of Jesus, my husband and I have been married for almost 8 years, and we have one son, who we adopted a little over two years ago.

Infertility is something we've dealt with for the entire length of our marriage. We were very excited about starting a family when we first married, and so, we have never prevented pregnancy in any way.

During the second year of our marriage, we sought out some answers and began seeing a doctor who worked with couples experiencing infertility. We both did all the standard tests, but nothing was found to be wrong with either of us, but still, no pregnancy.

*How are your feelings about IF different now than they were when you first started trying to get pregnant?
When we were in the early stages of dealing with infertility, I had a very difficult time. Experiencing pregnancy and becoming a mother had been my dream the whole time I was growing up, and as it became more and more clear that things were not happening as they should, the struggle within me became very painful and trying.

In those early years, my heart was like an open wound. I dealt a lot with bitterness and anger, and very hurt feelings. During that time I kept seeking God, but I was so hurt and confused. I didn't have anyone to talk to who understood what I was feeling, and it was hard to know how to deal with it. The amazing thing is, when I look back on that period of time in my life, I can see how very near God was to me. He knew this was a very hard road for me to go down, and even though he didn't take the infertility away, he was right there next to me, so very close.

It took a few years for the raw pain and anger to begin to subside. ..And although it subsided some as I began to become used to dealing with it, it never went away. I still dealt with it and it didn't take much... an insensitive comment, the start of another period, or the sight of a pregnant belly, and that wound ripped wide open again.

Now, after 7 1/2 years, the wound is starting to heal..really heal. At this time in my life, only by the grace of God, I am able to see infertility a little differently. Not that I still don't wish it would go away, but I know God has used it to deepen my faith. My faith has been tested, and he has seen me through it. ..And for that I am very thankful.

For the longest time in my journey through infertility, I hated hearing the phrase, "His grace is sufficient." It made me angry. But I have finally come to understand the truth of it. Now I can really see the good that God has brought out of my infertility. ..A deeper faith, a more sensitive heart towards those who are hurting, and the opportunity to learn to surrender (which is not easy or fun, but good)... There are also other more personal blessings that I can see God has brought out of this trial.

*What is it that led up to your decision and freedom to let go and move on from trying to conceive? (Was there any one event or experience or did you gradually come to this realization?)
For me it was a series of events over the last year and a half that really led me to this point. Prior to that time, I had already felt that there was a time coming when I would have to let go, if God did not allow me to become pregnant before then, but in this last year and a half I think God has really been pushing me to this point of letting go.

The big push started when my sister announced her first pregnancy. I wanted to be happy for her, but it caused such grief in my heart. She became pregnant very quickly after she was married, and it very much highlighted my struggle. Not too long after that, both of my SIL's announced their pregnancies. They were all married for under a year when they became pregnant for the first time and one was on her second year of marriage and second baby. Having the three of them pregnant at the same time had been one of my worst nightmares, and it had come true. There was no escaping the topic of pregnancy. No escaping the sight of a pregnant belly. Family gatherings became such a burden that I had to pray for God's strength to make it through. I shed many tears during this time.

However, God began putting a very real pressure on me... I could feel it, and I knew he was telling me it was time to bear up under this burden and walk through it. It was time to learn to trust in him to give me the strength and grace to put my feelings aside, to endure the conversations and bellies, but most of all, it was time to learn to trust him with what he had for me. ...Even if that meant he would never open my womb.

I was constantly praying for strength to make it through that time. The hardest moment was when one of my SIL's (who had been married only a matter of months) looked at me, and with only good intentions, said, "I can't wait until you get to experience this." ...I was barely able to keep from falling apart at those words. I had been married for years, and my reality was, that I would very likely never experience that wonderful blessing.

When I had made it through those pregnancies, I felt such a burden lifted. God had taken me through something I had dreaded, but he caused me to learn to trust in him in a deeper way than I had known before. He gave me strength when I knew I had absolutely none, and he helped me carry the weight of that trial. That's when I learned that his grace is sufficient.

It's so odd that God brought such great healing to me through something I had dreaded so much. He is amazing!

At that point we were still hoping we would achieve a pregnancy by a miracle from God, but in the coming months I just began to feel tired... Tired of trying, tired of holding onto this dream... Tired of watching my diet, and taking vitamins... Tired of feeling like we were always waiting on something to happen before we could just carry on... This feeling kept growing and I knew the time for me to surrender this desire was coming close.

Within the next few months, I started feeling like it was really time to let go. I prayed about it, and I had to get to the place where I said, "If I let go and I never become pregnant, if I never have another child, I know I'll be okay. God will give me the strength I need." I had to really know it deep down.

My sister's daughter holds a very special place in my heart. ...And not just because she is a beautiful little girl... When I look at her I see the beginning of the healing God brought has to my heart.

*How did adoption affect your thoughts/feelings on infertility, if at all?
I don't think adoption changed my feelings toward infertility.

Adopting our son was a an amazing blessing from the Lord. I had dreamed of adopting since I was a teenager, and so it was wonderful to see that dream come true.

Although I don't believe my feelings toward infertility changed, we did find that once our son came into our family, the sting of childlessness was taken away. The pain of infertility was the same. Until that time I had never separated the two. I now recognize that there are several deep wounds that come with infertility, childlessness is one of them. I never forget that those who are struggling with infertility, and remain childless, carry that wound that I once felt so strongly.

Even after adopting I struggled with the same feelings that I always had toward infertility. I still felt inferior as a woman. I still had a longing to experience pregnancy. I was still very hurt. ..But I no longer had that ache to be a mother, I had become a mother.

*Now that you have come to a point of letting go, do you ever find yourself struggling with the reality that you truly might never conceive? If so, how do you reconcile those feelings?

Sometimes I struggle knowing I may never conceive, but I think that's what all the struggling and hurting has been about through this entire journey. It is still a desire in my heart to become pregnant, and I acknowledge that to God. I would love for my son to have a sibling. I would love to have another child. ..But I know in my heart we will be okay if it doesn't happen, and I'm not pursuing it or dreaming about it. I have to pray for help to keep letting go, to not fall back into old habits and mindsets, but I have much joy in the family God has given me, and peace about the decision to let go.

Something that has been helpful for me, is to think about the time I will get to spend with my son -one on one, and the things we'll be able to do that might not have been possible if we had more children. I think about the bond the three of us have and that it is special. It's been a process of learning to choose to dream new dreams, and content myself with a (very good) plan that was not my own. ..And we have been actively dreaming, dreaming of being a family of three, and looking at so many possibilities. We're trying to learn to grasp dreams loosely, but to keep dreaming. It's also neat to realize that God actually does have a plan in all of this. I always kind of knew that in my head, but didn't really feel it in my heart. Now I'm beginning to learn the truth of it.

I've also found it helpful to read the blogs of other moms who have only one child.

(I know the things mentioned in that last sentence and the paragraph above it can sound trite, and they are if they're forced, or what someone tells you to do to "get over it," but those are things that I feel deeply right now, and they are actually helpful to me. At earlier points in my journey through infertility I would not have found those things helpful, they would felt defeating.)

*I'm sure there are many women out there who are wondering if it is time to lay to rest the efforts of actively trying to conceive. What advice or encouragement would you give to them?
I would say, don't try to force yourself into anything. Listen to where God is leading you and be patient with yourself. I know it can be really confusing, trying to figure out where your path lies when it comes to these decisions, but when the time is right I think God makes it clear to us. (...At least from my limited experience.)

I always felt like I wasn't handling my infertility the right way. I tried so hard to force myself to be and do what I thought I "should," but the truth was, I was where I was for a reason and I couldn't go beyond that point until I had worked through it. God taught me through every stage of this trial, even when I handled it badly. He had to take me through a million steps, a million little learning moments, to get to where I am now. And I know I still have so much more to learn.

Letting go is not something I could have decided to do. I never would have let go. This is only something that has happened because God has caused it to happen, and I am grateful for that.

For some women, he may call them to keep waiting. For me he said, "Let go."

*Do you have any future plans to add to your family again through adoption?
I would love to add another little one to our family. I would love to adopt again, but for now God has led us to let go of that too. This has not just been about letting go of conceiving, it's been about letting go of trying to have another child. ..Let go of my dream and my plan... But along with this, I have felt very clearly that I need to keep an open heart.

When I was asked to let go, my first reaction was to close up my heart completely and say, "Okay, fine we're never having anymore children." ..But God asked me to keep it open. He showed me that closing my heart is not good, it comes out of hurt and fear, not out of trust. So, my heart is open. I'm letting go, but open to the fact that sometime down the road, God could open a door for our family to grow. or he could keep it just the three of us. I don't know what his plan is for our family, but I have had to release mine and learn to trust Him. If I closed my heart, I would only be exchanging one of my own plans for another one of my own plans. We're going forward with the expectation that we will be a family of three, but trying to remain open at the same time. My prayer is that I hold onto what he has been teaching me and that I don't take steps backward.

*As a Christian, what effect has infertility had on your relationship with God? What has He taught you through this and/or how has He comforted you?
I think I've touched on this in several of the questions above, but I will say a little more here...

At first I struggled with bitterness and anger, even toward God. I never thought I would be angry with him, but I was. I even questioned his goodness, which I am so sorry for, but he has been faithful to forgive me.

Knowing that he has seen me through even these very low points in our relationship... knowing he will never leave, and that he always remains faithful, has been an amazing blessing. I know I'm so undeserving of that blessing.

God has comforted me many times through his word. In the early years, it was the book of Job -near the end when God speaks to Job. He used that to remind me that he is in control, and that I had no real right to carry around that anger. It was the very beginning of my healing process.

I've also found comfort in the story of Elizabeth, John the Baptist's mother. When she becomes pregnant, she says, "The Lord has done this for me. In these days he has shown his favor and taken away my disgrace among the people." Although I have not become pregnant, I can so identify with that feeling of disgrace, and it's good to hear it from an admirable woman in the bible. I keep little notes about all of the women in the bible that I find, who experienced infertility.

This year, Psalm 73:21-28 has meant a lot to me...

When my heart was grieved
and my spirit embittered,
I was senseless and ignorant;

I was a brute beast before you..Yet I am always with you;
you hold me by my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory.

Whom have I in heaven but you?
And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
My flesh and my heart may fail,
but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Psalm73:21:26
...It speaks of the very emotions I have dealt with in my experience with infertility, and shows that God is faithful and patient with me when I am struggling.

*Any final thoughts about where you are emotionally right now with all of this?
This step of letting go is still very fresh, and there are days I struggle a little... But I'm learning to turn my thoughts to the truths Jesus has taught me, and to truly trust in him. My desires are no secret to God, but they are not something that I can carry around anymore. I'm learning to lay them down, and truly accept what he has for our family, but I am not perfect at it.. still learning, and still growing.

Thank you, Glenna, for sharing your own story, which has been a real encouragement to me, and also for giving me the opportunity to share some of my own story.

::::
Special thanks, Tea, for your honesty about such a sensitive and personal topic. I've no doubt your words will be an encouragement!

2010-11-13T10:03:00.000-06:00

Dear endometriosis,

I hate you.

That's all.

-glenna-

(It's a stuck-on-the-couch-under-my-heating-pad-with-a-bottle-of-ibuprofen-next-to-me kind of day.)

::a husband who hopes::

2010-11-09T08:31:00.001-06:00

My two year old has spent the last two nights in his toddler bed. It's so sweet, but it's kind of breaking my heart.

My husband and I were talking about dismantling the crib and I all but wailed, "What if we never get to use it again?!?!"

He calmly replied, "But what if we get to use it twelve more times? Don't lose hope just yet!"

How are men able to compartmentalize hope like this?

My husband has always been the rock of our relationship, but especially so when it comes to infertility. He assures me that it's okay to have hope, and carries hope for me when I'm unable to muster it up. He is the epitome of godly leadership and love in our home, and I'm so, so thankful for him. But that isn't to say that he is unaffected by it all. He has wrestled and grieved as I have. And he has tried to shield me from his own hurt so that he can be strong for me.
He has thought about blogging several times on my blog here just to have a male perspective; perhaps I can twist his arm to do that sometime soon.

So, I'm wondering--how have your husbands have handled your infertility?
As far as blogging and writing on infertility, why is the male voice on infertility such a silent one?

Share your thoughts!

-glenna-

P.S. I'm getting some guest posts lined up on a range of IF topics...stay tuned!

::"If I...I Will" Book Review::

2010-11-03T08:54:00.001-06:00

I was contacted a few weeks ago by Red Couch PR to review Debbie Sutton Covington's book If I...I Will. Because the author has experienced many years of infertility, I agreed to hop on the book tour as there is so little out there in actual book form when it comes to infertility.

*About the author:

Debbie Sutton Covington writes and speaks on women in the church. She is also the founder of Journey of Sisters, a ministry that encourages women in their walk in faith through weekly devotionals, monthly newsletters, and fellowship opportunities. Debbie and her husband Kenny and their dogs live in Shreveport, Louisiana.

*Book Description:

If I…I will: simple words, but do we ever move past the “ifs” in our lives? Do we know in our hearts and minds that God indeed will help us to achieve our dreams and goals? If I…I Will is an insightful look at the healing of the suffering woman in Mark 5 whom Jesus healed. And just like that suffering woman, we must step past our suffering, the words we may hear, our own thoughts, and the crowds around us to reach for Jesus. What if we reach Jesus? Will He change our lives forever? Will He heal us? Yes, indeed! Maybe Jesus won’t follow the way we envision the healing or the change to happen, but faith in Jesus will forever change us. So, step out and reach for Jesus’ hand, and begin the adventure of a lifetime.

*My Review:

In this quick read, the author walks the reader through Mark 5, the familiar story of the woman with the issue of blood. Each chapter begins with a part of this story, told from the woman's perspective. Looking at this passage from the emotional vantage point of this woman does encourage you to dwell more on what it meant for a woman who would have been considered unclean for so long to have the courage to reach out and touch the hem of the Messiah's garment. While one can only speculate as to the woman's true physical condition and emotions, the embellishments are thought-provoking.

The author includes many personal experiences throughout the book, all the while encouraging the reader to look for healing in Christ and for comfort in His Word. She is honest about her struggles, and as you all know how I am about transparency (ha!), you can be assured that I applaud her courage to put herself into her book. I was a bit wary of her talk of healing at first because as we all know, some of us are never truly healed from our physical maladies. However, Covington focuses on spiritual healing rather than physical, and exhorts the reader to accept whatever type of healing that God may grant, even if it is not what one expected. I can definitely agree with Debbie's exhortation here.

While this is a short and easy read (a blessing for some of us who are drowning in our lengthy reading lists!), Debbie does sprinkle each chapter with numerous rhetorical questions for the reader's sake. I personally found them to be a bit distracting, and wonder if this would be more effectively done in a list of study questions at the end of the book if she is wishing for one to really contemplate what the answers might be in one's personal experience (and I'm sure that she does want that for her readers!). I might also add that there is a smattering of lighthearted stories and jokes woven throughout the book that, at times, are used to support the author's main points. Unfortunately, I felt that this made the book seem a bit contrived in parts.
There was not nearly as much mention of infertility as I had expected, so I wouldn't necessarily recommend the book as a primary source of comfort for someone experiencing infertility, but I will say that the author is very direct in her encouragements to study the Bible, to spend time in prayer and examination of oneself, and to listen to the promptings of the Holy Spirit. I appreciate her directness in encouraging those things! If you need a little motivation in those areas, perhaps If I...I Will can be a source of encouragement for you.

I thank Red Couch PR for the opportunity to review this book on my blog! If you're interested in reading other reviews, feel free to check out the Virtual Book Tour Page.

Also, I would be happy to pass along my copy of the book to a reader. Leave a comment if you're interested--first come, first served! :) Otherwise, you can purchase If I…I Will on Amazon at http://amzn.to/ifiiwill.

More IF blogging later....

-glenna-

::blog thoughts::

2010-10-28T07:48:00.000-06:00

I find it hard to talk about my blog in real life.
And by "real life" I mean face-to-face conversations. I always end up changing the subject. :)

That makes me wonder if I'm a little too transparent here where I can't see any of your faces. But....your emails and comments have been so incredibly supportive and kind. If you've stuck around even after my last post, maybe something struck a chord with you. For that reason, I'll keep putting it all out there because--there's nothing like feeling alone in infertility.

I also wonder what in the world to write about that hasn't already been written about in the realm of infertility. When I first started blogging on this topic, there weren't a ton of IF bloggers out there. That, however, is no longer true. Google "infertility blog" and you've got enough reading material to fill several, several books.

Aside from my personal meltdowns and revelations, I wonder--what can I add to this mix? While I'm certainly not an expert, I do sort of feel like a veteran when it comes to infertility itself. I realize being a mother through adoption adds a different spin on things, but when it comes down to the difficulty of daily living with infertility, I'm obviously still here living it right in front of you.
But I'm not sure what to say that hasn't already been said.

My goal is to encourage believers in Christ who are suffering through infertility, although I have my days where I feel like the biggest hypocrite in the world when it comes to encouragement (i.e., read my last post).

I feel a little strange asking this question, because it assumes there are lots of you reading, however--what would be a beneficial blog topic when it comes to infertility itself, and living with infertility as a Christian?

I'd like to tackle some questions you might have, especially if you're new to the IF world. I remember being less than a year into my IF experience and having a fellow IF friend laugh at me. Laugh. I was terrified that after however many months it had been at that point that something was wrong. She laughed and said something like "I can remember when we'd only been trying for that long!" It crushed me. And made me feel like I wasn't allowed to talk about my fears. It wasn't until I was two years into this thing that I discovered my first IF blogger. And it was a revelation knowing there were people out there with the same challenges, fears, and pain. And once I found some Christian IF bloggers, well...I got completely wrapped up in this world of camaraderie.

So, here I am after almost seven years of infertility--with the blessed interruption of our son's adoption two years ago. Even though I am going through highs and lows myself, I want to encourage you as you walk the same rocky road. I'm not exactly sure how to do that, but I want steadfastness in Christ to bleed through my words on your screen, even when I am struggling to believe that myself. The most interesting thing about my years of infertility is that God has used them to absolutely revolutionize my relationship with Him. Even when I slip into deep despair over my barrenness, He has lovingly and graciously drawn me back to a place of safety. All of my questions, in the end, are satisfied by the wisdom of the Lord, even when--like I stated in my last post--I don't really find comfort in the moment in those answers. Eventually, I keep coming back to Christ's atonement for my sin, and His continual intercession for me. Those things bring my feet back to a firm standing position and my heart back to a place of praise.

How can I encourage you in your infertility?
How can I help you feel less alone?
Do you want to share your IF story here?*

I just feel burdened for the women who might stumble across this blog when they are looking for...anything to help them feel less alone. I don't know why infertility feels so isolating, but it does.

Please jump in on the discussion here. There wouldn't be much of a reason for me to blog if you all weren't reading. Thank you for that!

-glenna-

*I suddenly had a thought...if you're not a blogger (or even if you are) and you want a place to share your IF struggles/story, please share in the comment section or email me at ineedsomecoffee@hotmail.com. Perhaps I can do a series of posts about you all.

::in the ashes::

2010-10-20T09:01:00.000-06:00

There has been a reason for my silence here.

Don't worry. It's not what you think.

The past couple of months have been a fight for my sanctification. And I'll be honest, I haven't handled the emotional upheaval well. I spiraled down into a deep depression, and I spent a lot of time lying in bed weeping because I just couldn't see past my pain. Only a handful of people have known about my tumultuous days lately, mostly because I feel that I make people weary of hearing about my same old struggles.

Earlier this year I toyed with the idea of putting all these blog posts and thoughts about infertility into book form. I was in a good place with it all, and I felt--based on the number of emails I was regularly receiving--that there was a need for an honest but Biblical look at infertility. While I haven't completely vetoed the idea, it has been tabled indefinitely. The main reason being....I'm still living it.

I'm hesitant to go into my pandora's box of emotions and feelings; dragging it all out for you will only highlight my ugliness, my pride, my feelings of self-entitlement, my anger at a good and sovereign God. I can barely write that last phrase without being reduced to tears of shame. I hate that I have questioned and threatened, shaken my fist at the God who doesn't owe me anything. There wasn't any one thing that induced my sudden crisis of faith, but rather it was a crashing tide of pregnancy announcements, negative pregnancy tests, and a slew of disappointing doctor's appointments. Circumstances. They hurt, yes, but from this side of it, I can't believe I allowed myself to sink so low. The enemy was at my heart's door, whispering sweet, candy-coated words of inflated injustice. And I believed him, knowing full well that he is a liar. I wanted to believe that he was right, that God must hate me, that if He loved me He wouldn't withhold my heart's desire.

I laid in bed for several nights weeping uncontrollably, ranting and spewing out questions about God's character, and asked my poor husband to please, please explain it to me. Why adulterers get pregnant? Why teenagers get pregnant and abort? Why drug addicts and alcoholics have no trouble conceiving? Why people get pregnant on the first try? Why not us? Does the Lord hate me so much to allow someone who has so obviously rejected Him to have child after child, but not me?

My questions all concluded eventually in the question that brought me low: Does God owe me anything?

No.

Even knowing the answers, though, I couldn't heal the ache in my heart. I couldn't stop crying over six-and-a-half years worth of negative pregnancy tests, of one more obstacle being discovered at the doctor's office, of the medical debt piling up before we even get to the actual infertility treatments, of the thought that I will be 30 next year and my friends are all finishing up adding to their families, of the thought that I really might never conceive.

It was not a mistake that my husband has been preaching through Romans for the past few months. It has been this beloved book that has been my saving grace during this difficult time. I prayed that the Lord would help me to understand, to help me to see. And He used His Word, the Gospel that I already knew and believed, to absolutely break my heart into a million pieces. After each sermon, I wanted nothing more than to lie prostrate on the floor and weep in absolute brokenness. I understand the Jewish tradition of tearing your clothes and sitting in ashes. It somehow feels appropriate. When I began to regain that absolutely necessary perspective that the Lord stooped low to pluck me out of a drowning mass of people deserving only of death and destruction, I was humbled in a way I haven't been in a long time. It was painful, is painful, but it has been the thing I needed to see how much God has poured out and LAVISHED His love on me. It had been a faulty definition of love that I that I was using to define His character. But this is love: He loves me because He loves me. It's nothing in me. No merit or deserving aspect of love. Grace is by definition undeserved. Grasping this concept anew has drastically changed my heart. I feel like I am drinking in His Word like a woman dying of thirst in the desert, and I'm clinging to the assurance of my salvation--this amazing, undeserved, grace-infused salvation--for dear life.

I can only sit here now and allow tears of thankfulness to drip down my cheeks....the Lord, even in my sinful anger, poured out grace upon grace.

:::::

I tried several times to write a post to let you know I'm still alive, but I couldn't get out more than a sentence or two before knowing I wasn't ready. I feel like I'm in a better place now, so I hope to get back to more regular posting. I was recently contacted about doing a book review for an author who has experienced infertility, so look for that the first week of November. Thanks for the emails sent to me over the past two months! I am so sorry I haven't been up to replying. Maybe I can get back to that soon.

If you're interested in walking through the book of Romans, I can't recommend my husband's sermons enough. He is an expository preacher, so if you're not accustomed to that, I think you'll benefit greatly from this type of verse-by-verse exposition. You can read his manuscripts, but the audio versions are much better.

There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. For the law of the Spirit of life has set you free in Christ Jesus from the law of sin and death. For God has done what the law, weakened by the flesh, could not do. By sending his own Son in the likeness of sinful flesh and for sin, he condemned sin in the flesh, in order that the righteous requirement of the law might be fulfilled in us, who walk not according to the flesh but according to the Spirit. For those who live according to the flesh set their minds on the things of the flesh, but those who live according to the Spirit set their minds on the things of the Spirit. For to set the mind on the flesh is death, but to set the mind on the Spirit is life and peace. For the mind that is set on the flesh is hostile to God, for it does not submit to God's law; indeed, it cannot. Those who are in the flesh cannot please God.

You, however, are not in the flesh but in the Spirit, if in fact the Spirit of God dwells in you. Anyone who does not have the Spirit of Christ does not belong to him. But if Christ is in you, although the body is dead because of sin, the Spirit is life because of righteousness. If the Spirit of him who raised Jesus from the dead dwells in you, he who raised Christ Jesus from the dead will also give life to your mortal bodies through his Spirit who dwells in you.

So then, brothers, we are debtors, not to the flesh, to live according to the flesh. For if you live according to the flesh you will die, but if by the Spirit you put to death the deeds of the body, you will live. For all who are led by the Spirit of God are sons of God. For you did not receive the spirit of slavery to fall back into fear, but you have received the Spirit of adoption as sons, by whom we cry, “Abba! Father!” The Spirit himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, then heirs—heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, provided we suffer with him in order that we may also be glorified with him.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us. For the creation waits with eager longing for the revealing of the sons of God. For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God. For we know that the whole creation has been groaning together in the pains of childbirth until now. And not only the creation, but we ourselves, who have the firstfruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. Now hope that is seen is not hope. For who hopes for what he sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.

Likewise the Spirit helps us in our weakness. For we do not know what to pray for as we ought, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groanings too deep for words. And he who searches hearts knows what is the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints according to the will of God. And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose. For those whom he foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, in order that he might be the firstborn among many brothers. And those whom he predestined he also called, and those whom he called he also justified, and those whom he justified he also glorified.

What then shall we say to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, how will he not also with him graciously give us all things? Who shall bring any charge against God's elect? It is God who justifies. Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us. Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? As it is written,

“For your sake we are being killed all the day long;
we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered.”

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

~Romans 8~

::results::

2010-09-03T12:10:00.004-06:00

The more I think about it, the more okay I am with the results I got today. At first, I was disappointed, but now I think I should be thankful that the situation isn't worse.

The mass on the ovary is still there, and is still measuring 2 cm which is good because that means in two months it has not grown. Additionally, there was some kind of fluid or something surrounding the mass two months ago that is not there anymore. This is also really good. My doctor was more concerned two months ago than she is now that that fluid has disappeared. There is no way for her to know 100% that this mass is not cancerous unless she is holding my ovary in her hands (no thanks), but she really doesn't think it that it is. Given my health history, my symptoms, my blood tests, and my history of an ovarian endometrioma, it is pretty safe to say that my endometriosis is just a repeat offender.

Our options include re-evaluating in 4 months or surgically removing the tumor. My doctor doesn't recommend surgery at this point because of the lack of growth and because the risks involved in surgery which could not only cost what little fertility I have left but could also throw me into menopause (if the ovary is compromised during surgery)--in other words, I obviously don't have a third ovary to fall back on if something goes wrong with this one during surgery. I don't want to take that risk just yet. We opted for the 4 month re-evaluation.

Seeing as how the tumor did improve in appearance, I am more determined than ever to pray for its disappearance by January. :) In my doctor's words, "Endometriomas never go away. You have to remove them." How I would love, for so many reasons, to go in for my ultrasound in January and see absolutely nothing growing on my ovary. I definitely can't say that God will do that, but there is certainly nothing wrong with praying that He might, right? In addition to that, though, I want to pray that this whole situation somehow brings Him glory and/or conforms me more into the image of Christ.

Now that I've given you the update on the ovary, on to the next order of business: my uterus. Apparently, I have a thickened endometrial lining (uterus lining), but my doctor isn't sure why. It could have something to do with where I am in my cycle (CD 22) or just a fluke altogether, but when I start a new cycle, I have to have another ultrasound just to make sure the lining is back to the proper thickness (no charge for this one--thanks, Doc!). If it's not, I will need to have a D&C to get it back to normal. (If you're counting, between July and January, I will have had FOUR ultrasounds. I'm pretty sure my insurance is not covering all of these.)

If by January the mass hasn't grown, then my doctor feels we can continue with our IF (re)testing (HSG, SA, etc.).
At this point, I'm not sure if I even want to continue. It feels like too much.
Am I borrowing trouble? Should I just leave it alone? Is it selfish to pursue this and sink more money into it? I don't know. Just when I think I'm ready to move past my desire to conceive, I see about a million pregnancy announcements or bump into a dozen glowing women blessed with a baby belly and it just crushes me. Will I ever be able to walk away from this desire? Should we pursue adoption again instead, knowing that the need for families is great in some areas?
I need some more time to think about it, which is fine since I can't really do anything until January anyway.

As far as today's appointment, though, I'm really thankful that the mass hasn't grown. That's a huge blessing.

P.S. Whatever you do, please do NOT google "thick uterine lining" and then tell me all about it as it will point you to the big C word and I just don't need to think about that right now. Just sayin'.

::evaluation::

2010-09-03T06:12:00.000-06:00

Today we'll find out if my ovarian tumor has grown or if, as we have hoped and prayed, it is gone.
It is hard not to be afraid, but at the same time comforting to know that the Lord is good regardless of the outcome.

I covet your prayers, and I will update later today. To those of you who have emailed recently, I apologize for not responding yet. I do so appreciate your kind words and encouragement.

-glenna-

::two steps back::

2010-08-21T17:13:00.001-06:00

Aside from the fact that I have this endometrioma thing going on, I am now about 99.99% sure that my endometriosis is back and taking over. I have not felt well. Old symptoms have been cropping up.

I'm thinking about scheduling an appointment with a doctor in Tennessee who uses NaProTechnology with the Creighton model. I don't really know enough about it to explain it, so for those of you who are as unfamiliar with it as I am, maybe you'll keep reading as I learn about it. The doctor in question is not deterred by our situation, apparently.

I've got an ultrasound scheduled on September 3rd with my OBGYN to re-evaluate my ovary, but doing any further testing is entirely up to me. I think at that point it could be a good time to set up a consultation with the NaPro guy.

I'm so frustrated by this disease. Nobody can tell you WHY you get it, therefore there is no real way to prevent it. The best way to slow the growth is to get pregnant, but duh--that's the whole issue: I.can't.get.pregnant! We also have male factor infertility, so I just feel like we're stuck between a rock and a hard place. On the one hand, even if I can't get pregnant, I still don't want to lose my other ovary to this disease.

Just feeling frustrated by infertility these days.

I had a day about a week ago where I absolutely fell apart. We had prayed so much over the past month. So when my cycle started as usual, it just crushed me. I still don't know why I feel so affected by something that has plagued us for over six years. I kept apologizing to my husband while I sobbed into his polo shirt. He, ever patient and loving, just held me and told me to stop apologizing, that it is perfectly understandable to be sad, that we both had hoped and prayed so much. I laid in his arms, stretched out across the couch and just wept uncontrollably. I really can't explain why I felt so...bereft.

The silver lining in all of this was the little person who kept leaning over me on the couch and saying, "Mommy?" in a tiny, uncertain voice while smothering me with kisses and patting my shoulder. He would then do something silly, hoping I would laugh. Which I did, even with tears running down my cheeks. It was good medicine.

The Lord is good to remind me that He has blessed me beyond belief.

I wish I had something more encouraging to write, but my heart is struggling these days so I don't want to pretend all is well. I mean, all is well considering how things could be. But my emotions are a bit out of sorts, and I'm back in the school of trust, praying that the Lord would forgive my unbelief. Not that I believe He has promised me more children--He makes no such promises in His Word. But, rather, praying that He would imprint on my mind that He is sovereign and good, faithful to do what will bring Him glory, faithful to sanctify me in the times of struggle.

Oh, may He keep me faithful.

::what? no blogging?::

2010-08-04T08:36:00.000-06:00

Just a quick post to explain my absence (other than the fact that there is absolutely NOTHING going on regarding infertility....still waiting for September to roll around so my endometrioma can be reexamined for growth/change). I've had a virus on my computer, which I believe is finally gone, but I am having some issues with my laptop overheating. It could be that the fan is broken on it, but whatever the case may be, I only have a few minutes to use it before it shuts down on me without any notice. So far, my limited activity online has been used to pay bills and back up my files. The only way I can keep it running is if I set it directly on to an air vent with the A/C blasting so that my PC doesn't overheat and thereby shut itself off. It's not easy to blog while lying on the cold tile floor, so....there you have it.

At any rate, there is nothing to report so it's not like you're missing anything. :)

::results::

2010-07-07T14:33:00.001-06:00

My results came in (about a week earlier than I expected!) and all are normal...no threat of cancer! My heart is overflowing with gratitude. The Lord is gracious.

Now we just wait two months and repeat the ultrasound to check the growth of what we now are confident is an endometrioma. I'm not sure what the next step after that will be.

Thank you so much for praying, but I ask you to continue to pray that the mass disappears altogether and that the Lord would bless us with conception instead.

The Lord be praised!
-glenna-

::we should get our own waiting room::

2010-07-06T15:40:00.002-06:00

I went in this morning for blood work. It was a ho-hum appointment, for the most part. The lab tech gave me the list of tests they were running, and it sounded about as vague and code-like as anything I've ever heard. And then she said oh, yeah, and the CA5T122SGASAG, that one can take several days to come back, you know? Umm....yeah. Sure. I love it when medical professionals treat me like a colleague. :-P
(Okay, so I made up that string of numbers and letters but it was something like that!)

What I find really hard about having all these appointments so close together is that each time I am inevitably seated in a waiting room with a plethora of the types of women I try to avoid. You know, pregnant ones. It's like a pregnant woman watering hole. And of course, if you're pregnant--especially in the later months--you have to come in for a lot of check-ups, so I totally get the reason for the room full of preggos, but I am not exaggerating when I say that except for me and two elderly ladies, every other woman in that waiting room was pregnant. Visibly pregnant. There were at least a dozen. Infertiles should get their own waiting room, don't you think? ;-)

When I was settling up with one of the receptionists (who had stepped out to figure out how much I owed them for the blood-letting today), I could hear another woman in the cubicle next to me as she gave her information. That receptionist's voice carried (which is, I'm sure, a HIPPA violation) and I heard her: Okay, you're a new OB patient. Where do you plan to deliver? This hospital? Okay, great. Now, do you have a copy of What to Expect When You're Expecting? No, well wait a sec and I'll just grab you a copy....
I could hear the mother-to-be's excited replies. I looked down at the cotton ball taped to the inside of my arm to see the proof that they are trying to rule out cancer, and felt depressed. I swallowed the huge lump in my throat, blinked away the burning sensation in my eyes, and sat up straighter. I will not cry. I will not cry. I will not cry.

Later, as I sipped a Venti Caramel Macchiato (because, nothing says comfort like an enormous cup of coffee mixed with sugar!) and drove around running some errands, the feeling of despair ebbed. I did what my pastor-husband often encourages our church family to do: I preached the Gospel to myself. Because, all joking aside, nothing comforts us like the Truth. If the tests come back and I have cancer, or the tests come back and show that my ovary needs to come out thus permanently robbing me of what little fertility I have left, the Truth is that I am free. I have been redeemed by Jesus Christ, bought with a price, rescued from my sin and my former master, the evil one. God blessed me a million times over when He adopted me as His daughter. With that knowledge, I feel that I can face this unknown path and walk steadily. I do not walk it alone.

I am still praying for complete healing and also pregnancy, so I covet your prayers for those things. I want to get a call from the doctor's office saying that my blood tests showed there was nothing wrong with me and that when they repeat the ultrasound, they find no tumor. That perhaps, they would find life instead. And until I hear something different, that is how I am praying. If the outcome is different, then I know the Lord will give me grace enough for that.

It will be a week or so before I know any of the results from my tests. The next step will be determined by those results.
Thank you for your prayers.

-glenna-

::it is what it is::

2010-07-02T14:33:00.000-06:00

It's not great, but I guess it could be a whole lot worse.

The reason for the delay in my ultrasound results: my doctor was in some sort of accident and broke her hip and several ribs!!! She's laid up at home, but is signing off on results, so the nurse was able to get a message to her to review my case. I so appreciate her effort when I'm sure she feels terrible. Wow.

So, from my ultrasound she found a cystic lesion, which isn't very concerning. But, there is also another mass. Given my history, it is most likely an endometrioma. Not huge, but it's there. However, whenever you find a mass, you have to rule out cancer, so I have bloodwork done on Tuesday. If those results fall within normal limits, we will wait for two months, repeat the ultrasound and see if it has grown or not. I'm not sure what comes after that. If it grows...I guess they try to remove it? That's what's scary--surgery which could possibly result in the loss of my only ovary. My understanding is, if it hasn't grown, then we proceed with IF treatments. I decided to hold off on the HSG until we figure out what's going on with this mass (which I shall hereafter refer to as the "stupid tumor" in loving memory of the tumor that took my right ovary). I mean, why pay $1,000 out of pocket to do the HSG if the stupid tumor could end my fertility treatments altogether?

It's all a bit...unsettling. I feel relieved that the mass is not so large that they feel it must come out now--like the last time. I also feel relieved that I do not seem symptomatic like last time, either. No bloating, mid-cycle spotting, or long cycles. I feel like that ovary is working, but I am thinking of buying some OPK's to see if I get a positive next month.

But there's always that minute chance it could be cancerous that makes it all feel a bit surreal. I'm fairly confident that it is another endometrioma, especially since my surgery two years ago showed that I did have some spots of endometriosis on that ovary. But still. Unsettling.

If the bloodwork seems normal, then I guess we just wait the two months and keep trying the good old-fashioned way. I was just saying to my husband on the phone..."For so many years, we thought our infertility was just male-related. But now we can say confidently that my body is just as jacked up as yours." Oh, yes, we are eloquent when referring to our stupid malfunctioning reproductive systems. I soooo want to blame Eve on this one.

But honestly, I want to cry.

And I will....but not before asking you all to pray that God would be pleased to heal my body. I believe He can do it, I just pray that it would be a part of His plan to do so. Or....that we could get pregnant while we wait. And pray that throughout this waiting game, my heart would be steadfast, my faith firmly entrenched in the love of Christ. That I would be able to say whatever the outcome: It is well.

So...until next week.

-glenna-

::waaaaiiitttingg::

2010-06-30T08:13:00.001-06:00

ETA: Thursday, 10:10 am. No word yet. I guess if it were serious someone would have called me?

I called the nurse yesterday just to *see* if I could get someone to talk to me. She said that she wasn't sure when Dr. C would be back in the office, but that she had her laptop with her so she should be able to review my u/s even if she's out. She will call me after reviewing my films. It was pretty open ended....might be today, might not.

Being up all night with a sick child has served as a good distraction for this waiting time! I appreciate so many people praying for me...all the texts, comments, emails, and phone calls have been a blessing. I feel full of peace this morning.

The Lord is good.

::as my mom would say, "you can't read ultrasounds!"::

2010-06-28T12:46:00.003-06:00

From the ends of the earth I call to you,
I call as my heart grows faint;
lead me to the rock that is higher than I.
                   Psalm 61:2

In the name of holding it together, I'll start at the beginning. I need to laugh to keep from crying, seeing as how I'm an emotional basket-case today.

My two year old has been sick all weekend. He has had fever and what I think is a sore throat, screaming fits when he eats or drinks anything (throat? ears? two year molars?), and was up every hour on the hour last night. After a really long day yesterday, I was exhausted. But, motherhood doesn't really get eight hours off every night. So I was up and down with my son all night, and yet he was surprisingly chipper at seven a.m. while I was still barely coherent after a very large cup of coffee. Hmmmm...how does he do it?!

My ultrasound appointment was at 9:20 and since I live a good 35 minutes from my doctor's office, I planned on drinking my 32 oz. of water on the way there. I went to the bathroom about 20 minutes before I left my house, per their instructions. By the time I parked at the doctor's office 55 minutes later, I was barely able to stand up straight. I have some endometriosis growing on my bladder, so I am going to just use that as an excuse for the agonizing pain I was in. I don't know that that has any affect on whether I can "hold it" or not, but if I'm going to have the disease, I soooo going to use the endometriosis card if I have to.

My doctor's office is on the third floor of a medical building. I hobbled through the parking lot and waited for the elevator, all the while thinking, "What if the elevator gets stuck? I'm going to explode in like five minutes!!" I wondered how inappropriate it would be for me to unbutton my pants...I was wearing a tunic-like shirt, so surely nobody would notice....   I refrained.

I signed in at the desk, and stood behind another patient so I could give them my co-pay. The receptionist told me to take a seat and she'd call me up in a few minutes to get checked in.

Was she SERIOUS!?!?!?    A few minutes? With a half a gallon of water in my system?

I sat down. I waited a full three minutes before running to the restroom to just take the edge off.

I came back and tried to read the book I had brought with me. I vacillated between Kate Jacob's Comfort Food and Kelly Ripa's annoying voice on the waiting room TV screen.
My feet were both tapping the floor.
I noticed I kept nervously wringing my hands.
A few more minutes went by.
I started sweating.
I jumped up from my seat and pretended to peruse the rack of pamphlets on menopause. I took a random pamphlet and began fanning my face.
Then I started pacing in front of the front desk. I glanced at their clock....it was five minutes past my appointment time (plus I had been about 15 minutes early).
I watched one of the receptionists dial and start speaking in hushed tones. Then she called me to her desk to tell me the ultrasound tech had to work in another patient ahead of me. It would be about 15-20 more minutes.
I'm giving you permission to laugh when I tell you I teared up!!

"I'm not going to make it!" I screeched. She gave me permission to go "empty" a little, but not much. I did, almost knocking down all the pregnant women streaming in for their appointments. Oh, the irony.
I was in so much pain I couldn't stand up straight. (Why do people not complain about ultrasound appointments more?? Is it because there's usually a baby on the screen to take your mind off the insane amount of pressure you're feeling down there???)
I texted my mom: "I'm at my u/s appt and they worked someone in ahead of me. I'm about to DIE!!! Distract me!"

I reseated myself and was able to read for a few more minutes. Finally, the u/s tech called me back, apologizing all the way. It was over 30 minutes past my appointment time. But, I can't ever yell at anyone or be snippy...it's just not me. So, I laughed nervously and said, "It's okay," which of course, it wasn't. But she was really nice.

So, I hopped on the table for the tummy portion of the u/s. As soon as she got my insides on the screen she said, "Wow, girl! You have to be about ready to smack me right now!!" I said something to the effect of, "Well, my main goal right now is to not pee on your table." To her credit she finished up that portion of the u/s quickly. Then, I was as good as new.

And that's the end of the humorous portion of this post.

I'm lying on the table watching the screen mounted on the wall while she takes pictures and measures what I'm hoping against hope are just normal organs and not growths, masses, adhesions, or fibroids. But, I catch a glimpse of something she's measuring in my uterus. Adhesion? Fibroid? And then she moves on to my ovary, which I can tell is an ovary because of the words "LONG LOV" typed underneath...my left ovary, right? I can also see what I imagine to be the fallopian tube. And then there is lots of measuring and pictures and weird angles on the screen and in my mind I am back in the same spot I was in two years ago when a huge mass was discovered on my now non-existent right ovary. My mind is racing with possibilities. Is it another endometrioma? Wouldn't I have symptoms if it were another endometrioma? Is my ovary doomed? If so, I'm officially done. It will be the end of the road for us.
So, on and on I go, self-diagnosing. After the tech finishes and I get changed, she asks if I have a follow-up appointment scheduled or was this all I had planned today. I tell her it was just the u/s, which she says is unusual since usually there is a follow-up. My doctor is out of the office until Wednesday, so she tells me to call to talk to my doctor Wednesday morning. I know the tech can't tell me anything, but I am trying really hard to read into what she is saying. Is that pity on her face? Does she know if it's pointless to do anything further?

I leave with plans to call my doctor Wednesday morning. That's it.

I called my husband from the elevator and promptly burst into tears. I just couldn't shake the fear of a bad diagnosis. He was comforting and ever the logical one, told me not to get upset yet....we won't know anything until Wednesday. He is right, of course. I can hear my son wailing in the background. I feel like joining him. Once I was in my car, I called my mom and then of course burst into tears again at the sound of her voice. "You've gone in your mind to what the worst could be. So, just go there and think about what the worst could be and realize that even the worst is still God's good plan for you. And then remember--you can't read ultrasounds!" I laughed even while I was sobbing into the phone. I probably sounded hysterical.

I needed to run a few errands while in Cape, so I found myself wandering through Hobby Lobby looking for some circular knitting needles, while hearing a familiar hymn piped in through the sound system. I fought tears while poking through skeins of yarn and the aisle of needles. I then stopped at Starbucks because, well...do I really need a reason to stop at Starbucks? No. I realized I hadn't eaten all day, but the thought of food was a little nauseating, so I drowned my sorrows in a grande non-fat Caramel Macchiato.

I texted two close friends and asked them to pray for me because I simply felt paralyzed by fear. I can't explain how fearful I felt. I did what my mom said...I went there in my mind. What is the worst case scenario here? Here's what feels like the worst case scenario at this point: my only ovary is ensconced in an endometrioma and it has to come out, which would leave me permanently barren. Okay. I cry. I wonder how I will get past that, I wonder how I will ever recover....I let my mind consider it, but all the while knowing that Christ is my Rock. HE is how I will get past it. He is with me. Scripture passages come to mind.

As I drove down the interstate, I listened to Kari Jobe belt out the words to "You are Still Holy" and my fear began to melt away. I wept and prayed and worshiped.
I am truly afraid of what I might hear Wednesday, and I feel the need to brace myself for the worst, but even so....my heart feels deeply entrenched in the love of Christ. My life cannot be so shaken as to shatter His grip on me. His grip is firm, His truth real, His love deep. And all that has been in my life up to now belongs to Him. He is holy.

"You Are Still Holy"

Holy, You are still holy
Even when the darkness surrounds my life
Sovereign, You are still sovereign
Even when confusion has blinded my eyes
Lord I don't deserve Your kind affection
When my unbelief has kept me from Your touch
I want my life to be a pure reflection of Your love
And so I come into Your chambers
And I dance at Your feet Lord
You are my Savior and I'm at Your mercy
All that has been in my life up to now
Belongs to You, for You are still holy

Holy, You are still holy
Even when I don't understand Your ways
Sovereign, You are still sovereign
Even when my circumstances don't change
And Lord, I don't deserve Your tender patience
When my unbelief has kept from from your touch
I want my life to be a pure devotion...to You
And so I come into Your chambers
And I dance at Your feet Lord
You are my Savior and I'm at Your mercy
All that has been in my life up to now
Belongs to You, for You are still holy

I'll update as soon as I know something on Wednesday. Please pray that I would not be overcome by fear, but that the Lord would use all of this to make me more like Him.

-glenna-

::u/s tomorrow::

2010-06-27T19:21:00.000-06:00

And so it all begins.
I'm *pretty* sure it's just an appointment with the ultrasound tech, but if they find anything, I guess I'll see my doctor afterwards. Praying against any more endometriomas!!

-glenna-

::back in the saddle again::

2010-06-23T13:03:00.010-06:00

Or stirrups, to be quite literal.

I've sort of been holding out on you, so here goes.

(We are diving back into fertility treatments.)

There. I said it. It's out.

And it makes me nervous.

I have mixed emotions about it, but obviously it's something I want to try seeing as how I did make an appointment and then actually went to the appointment. I'm happy about moving in this direction, but I'm a little nervous about feeling happy about it. (I'm well aware that that doesn't make a whole lot of sense.)

So, what are we doing? Well, the only procedure we are comfortable with is IUI at this point in time. Now, given our fertility challenges, IUI does not have the best odds for a couple in our predicament. Buuuutttt....we still feel that if we are ever going to try it, now feels like the best time to do it.

Long time readers may remember the summer three years ago when we tried to do an IUI, but I never responded to the Clomid. A year later we found a massive endometrioma growing on my right ovary which explained a lot. Oh yeah, and a ton of endometriosis to boot. So, it's been almost 2 years since I had the surgery to remove my ovary and all the endo. Since then I've had (for the first time in my adult life) textbook 28 day cycles. This encourages me that my one remaining ovary is doing her job just fine, thanks. The male factor infertility isn't great to work with, and honestly there aren't a ton of options for that, but we feel encouraged to try the IUI anyway. My husband and I have prayed and talked and prayed and talked about this. We just feel that right now is a good time to at least give it a shot.

Allow the crazy lady a caveat for a moment: This doesn't mean that we aren't going to pursue adoption again or that we wish we had done this sooner. It in no way negates how deeply grateful we are for our son. Seriously, people, this kid is a part of our hearts. I can't even articulate how much we love him. I know I'm belaboring this, but I want to be clear from the outset that it isn't that he isn't enough or anything like that. It isn't that we don't feel complete until we have a biological child. I think it just boils down to the same reason many other couples decide to have a second child...because they view children as a blessing and love their one child so much they can't wait to have another one. Having to jump hurdles to get to that second child doesn't mean we shouldn't get to try to have one, right? We know that pursuing adoption isn't what is on the agenda for us today. Tomorrow, it might be. Or not. We have no idea what the Lord has planned for our lives or which children, if any, are included in that plan. I do think we'll pursue adoption again later. I don't think we're done there yet. :)

So, for now, we just take a step in the direction we feel led to walk in. And then we'll take another step. And then another. And we'll see.

Now...on to the plan.

Because it has been a few years since we've had any reproductive assistance, we have to update all of our testing, especially since I've had surgery in the last two years. I'm little overwhelmed at doing this all again, but oh well. It is what it is.
So here's a quick run down of what's coming up:
*Next Monday I have an ultrasound scheduled to look for any abnormalities (I'll admit it...I really nervous about this. If you don't remember, a routine ultrasound is where my tumor was discovered. I'm just nervous about what they might find. I am currently very angry at my stupid reproductive system for being so accommodating to things like adhesions, endometriosis, and endometriomas.)
*Se.men anaylsis. Humiliation, party of two? Right this way, please. It will be like the 5th time we've done this, but still. Stirrups are preferable, in my opinion.
*Extensive bloodwork on the 3rd day of my next cycle, which is roughly in about 3.5 weeks, per my calculation.
*Hysterosalpingogram (it's been 4 years since I had this done) on day ten of my next cycle.
****Then, a meeting with my doctor to discuss all results. If she feels like this is something she would like to do, then we will schedule the IUI. Otherwise, she will send us to a colleague in St. Louis whom she highly recommends. I'm curious as to whether her colleague will think an IUI is pointless. We will make it clear up front that that is all we are interested in pursuing right now.

So. There you have it. A flurry of events that will likely suck me into a mode of anxiety that I am desperately trying to avoid.
The good news?

(photo courtesy of lauren athalia)

The good news is the little embodiment of joy napping in his room upstairs right now. Knowing that God has already blessed me beyond belief will save my sanity! I will not fall into desperation because I know I have been redeemed, rescued, and then given grace upon grace. If all of these efforts fail, then I am praying the Lord would use the disappointment to teach me that I am deeply rooted in Him. If they succeed....well, then, I can't really even comprehend how that will feel!

I covet your prayers as we embark on this journey yet again. Please bear with me as I plan to blog throughout the process in order to keep my perspective. Plus, I thought you might enjoy the show. :)

So, until Monday....

-glenna-

And P.S., if you think I sound pessimistic about the whole thing, just know it's a defense mechanism. It's my way of being cautiously excited. Seventy-five failed attempts at getting pregnant will do that to a person. ;) I really am ready to get this ball rolling!

::trippy email::

2010-05-26T20:14:00.000-06:00

I'm pretty sure my email account somehow marked some emails as spam that weren't spam...and me thinking they were spam...well, I hit the delete button of course just before seeing the word "adoption" in the subject line.

If you recently sent me an email regarding adoption, please resend it!

:::
Not much to write about here. I had really hoped I was pregnant this month. Turned out to be a G. I. issue instead.
Anyway.
Moving on.

::the big pretender::

2010-05-15T16:34:00.000-06:00

I can't help it. Mother's Day still feels weird to me.

[I keep going back and forth about putting this post up and I'm not sure why.]

I feel like people are acknowledging that I'm a mom because of the almost-two-year-old attached to my hip. But I feel like it's a consolation prize sort of acknowledgment...not because people don't really think I'm a mom, but because even after two years I still sometimes don't feel like a mom. If that isn't the most backward thinking, I don't know what it is. In my head, I picture the thoughts of others as they see me with my obviously adopted son.
Do I still meet the standard of "mom"?
Would this feeling go away if I miraculously got pregnant?
Will it feel this way until I have as many Mother's Days under my belt as a mom as I did before I became one?
Are all infertiles indelibly scarred with a raw, unnameable emotion surrounding this holiday?
:::
I have to remind myself that this is no game. I am a mother, even though I came about it through adoption and not birth. Just because I don't feel worthy of the title doesn't make me less a title-holder.
I enjoy being loved on by my husband and son on Mother's Day, but I still feel like a huge tangle of emotions I can't quite describe.

And I guess for that reason, both last year and this year--I didn't anticipate the day like I thought I would.

::but who's counting?::

2010-04-26T09:24:00.001-06:00

Last week we officially hit the six year mark. I know it doesn't really do me any good to keep counting up the years that we've been infertile, but I can't seem to help it.

Surprisingly, even though I started a new cycle just as we hit that mark last week, it wasn't as discouraging as some of the other "anniversaries" have been in the past. I remember being much more emotional around the first, second, and third year marks, easily spiraling into depression with each flip of the calendar. It seemed to be the only thing I could think about, the thing that was defining my life. I lived my life in two week increments. With each failed cycle, with each passing month and then year, I felt like infertility was going to define the rest of my life, too.

Lately, I find myself not as much at odds with my infertility as I used to be. Whereas it used to feel like I was wearing a choke collar with a vise-like grip, it now feels like an oddly comfortable, tattered t-shirt--something I wear not because I love it, but because I've been wearing it so long that it feels normal, familiar. I would gladly take it off and wad it up, but instead of throwing it away I think I'd keep it somewhere close just so I can remember how God has used this form of pain in my life for my good and, hopefully, for His glory. My husband was preaching yesterday, and he hit the topic of suffering in his walk through Zechariah 12-13. One of the things that he said weighed on me with a fierce poignancy. Don't ask why you are suffering. Scripture tells us that--it's to make you more like Jesus Christ. Being conformed into His image will take you down the path of suffering. Rather, ask how this suffering can be used to make you more like Christ.

My husband is never a "three points and a poem" kind of preacher, but every so often he will read off some song lyrics that are heavy with good theology. When he read this song by John Newton (author of "Amazing Grace") I found my heart welling up with gratitude that God would use something in me to conform me to the image of His Son, even infertility. Tears coursed down my cheeks as I listened to these words:

“I Asked the Lord That I Might Grow”

(John Newton, 1725-1807)

I asked the Lord that I might grow
In faith, and love, and every grace;
Might more of His salvation know,
And seek, more earnestly, His face.

’Twas He who taught me thus to pray,
And He, I trust, has answered prayer!
But it has been in such a way,
As almost drove me to despair.

I hoped that in some favored hour,
At once He’d answer my request;
And by His love’s constraining pow’r,
Subdue my sins, and give me rest.

Instead of this, He made me feel
The hidden evils of my heart;
And let the angry pow’rs of hell
Assault my soul in every part.

Yea more, with His own hand He seemed
Intent to aggravate my woe;
Crossed all the fair designs I schemed,
Blasted my gourds, and laid me low.

Lord, why is this, I trembling cried,
Wilt thou pursue thy worm to death?
“’Tis in this way, the Lord replied,
I answer prayer for grace and faith.

These inward trials I employ,
From self, and pride, to set thee free;
And break thy schemes of earthly joy,
That thou may’st find thy all in Me.”

If you've asked the Lord for growth and grace, then don't be surprised at the suffering you may endure (James 1:2-4). And while infertility seems like such a small wound when compared to the physical suffering of saints around the world, don't discount it. The Lord CAN use this to make you more like Jesus. That is certainly what I desire for myself.

I've been listening to David Platt's "Radical" series, and I have to say, it is one more way that the Lord has opened my eyes to my small view of the Gospel and of God. I urge you--don't let your life be defined by infertility. Instead, be known by how Christ is seen in your life and in your sufferings. Remember that our time here is so short and we are here to make Him known. If God uses infertility in your life to point you to Christ, then rejoice that He is at work in you! You can hurt and rejoice at the same time. This is what I have learned in six years. You can hurt and rejoice at the same time. God is faithful and sovereign, and He is at work for the good of those He has called to Himself.

-glenna-

::can i be content with one arrow?::

2010-04-09T13:41:00.002-06:00

I always wanted a bunch of kids. Like, four or five. Two boys and two girls, of course. Close enough in age to be friends and play well together, far enough apart to give my body a break in between pregnancies because from what I hear, labor and delivery are wicked rough on your body. But still...several kids sounded nice. And all of them looking like us with my eyes, his nose, my big smile, his long eyelashes.

This, I think, is why infertility is such a hard pill to swallow. Not only is it the death of a dream, it's the death of many dreams. For many of us, it's not that we can't have a baby...it's that we can't have babies, children. It's that someone shot a hole through our visions of a house bursting at the seams with children. All of a sudden, you picture yourself decades from now mourning the constant quiet in your house, the echoing walls that never became kids' rooms, the deafening silence absent of infantile crying, sweet laughter, and childish imaginary play. It's too much to dwell on...a future without children. The years seem like they will stretch out in front of you, seemingly purposeless. Infertility won't always translate into that, but it seems that way sometimes, doesn't it?

Having walked the path of adoption and finding myself blessed to be the mother of one, I ask myself often if I can be content with one child. It's been the topic of recent posts here, and it's on my mind a lot. When I'm reading Scripture and run across Psalm 127, I wonder if I can be happy with one arrow in my quiver.
"Sons are a heritage from the LORD, children a reward from him. Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one's youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them." It sure seems to me like a lot of kids equals a lot of blessings. I don't think it's wrong for me to desire that.

But, is it wrong to dwell in discontent as long as I've got one arrow? For me, it always comes back to this...contentment. I couldn't be more thankful for my sweet son, Isaiah. He brings me so much joy. My husband and I are savoring these precious moments at the end of our son's babyhood. And now that we've got this beautiful kid, we now know what we were missing out on before. And I think that's why we want more children....because we know what we will be missing out on if we don't have any more.

Right now, though, I've been hanging out in a purgatory of contentment. I definitely long for more kids, but I'm really just trying to relish this, trying to truly grasp the sweetness of these days with my son. I know that Lord willing, we have a lifetime with Isaiah, but these moments of smallness are so fleeting and have passed by so quickly. I long to enjoy them again with another child or two or three. But it's just not that easy to add to our family.

While I don't truly think our family is complete, I wonder if I could handle it if I knew that it was complete. Would I reconcile myself to God's sovereignty over the size of my family? It seems like such a backward question to ask when I look around me and see so many people who are quick to turn down the blessing of a big quiverful of children. Just as many people don't trust God with the size of their families because they fear having too many children, I must learn to trust Him with the size of my family, though I fear it will be too small a family. This wrestling with contentment and sovereignty is truly the heart of the matter when it comes to my infertility.
Do I really believe that God is good in His design for my life?
Do I really trust Him, even if it means only one sharp little arrow?
Would I have believed it if my quiver had remained empty for life?
Will I ever be able to say with the apostle Paul, "I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances" (Phil. 4:11)???

I guess I will find out.

Oh Lord, help me to live in a posture of contentment. I have so many reasons to be content.

-glenna-

::post on adoptive mothering::

2010-04-05T07:37:00.000-06:00

If you're interested, check out my guest post at My Busy Home, my friend Sheila's blog. Also, check out Sheila's archives as well as her other blog, Momfessions.
*This post is about being an adoptive mom after infertility. If you're not up to reading about becoming a mother, please feel free to skip this post.*

::did i lose my credibility?::

2010-03-26T14:51:00.000-06:00

As an infertility blogger who is now a mother through adoption, I wonder if I can still blog.

My posts used to resonate with many women who were in that same empty place of longing. We were tight. We knew exactly what the other felt when pregnancies were announced, when a period showed up on the same day a baby shower invitation arrived in the mail, when baby dedications took place on Mother's Day at church (talk about a double burn!). We were bummed when infertility blogs turned stagnant after a positive test was rejoiced, when a popular IF blogger simply disappeared after achieving pregnancy, when long-time IF bloggers moved to the world of mommy-bloggingdom. It's totally understandable. But I think I better understand why a lot of IF bloggers stop blogging when they become moms. It's what I did.

Because that is where I find myself these days--in this already-not-yet kind of tension. Already a mom, still infertile. BUT--a mom. So, I wonder if I lost my blogging credibility when I signed my name on the final adoption papers that proclaimed Isaiah my son.

Do you know what I mean?

This is in no way a post looking for comments or edification. I'm not that desperate yet. ;-) But I find that I don't read IF blogs nearly as often as I used to, and I'm totally surprised when I click through my blogroll and see old pregnancy announcements and baby pictures. Do some of you wonder what to blog about when you find yourself at the end of this long rat race and have finally attained motherhood?

So....I put it to the few of you who still follow along....what do you want to read? What is most encouraging to you? What is helpful as a woman experiencing IF? Give it to me.
Even though I feel slightly out of touch, I'm still where you are to some extent: my womb is empty, but my hope is in Christ.

::the trip::

2010-03-25T14:27:00.001-06:00

So, okay, this blog is a long time in coming.

I wasn't sure whether or not to keep this specific to this blog or not, but decided to go with a double post. My apologies is you read both blogs.

About four years ago, in the midst of infertility woes, I joined a blogging group for Christian women who were trying to get pregnant but who were having difficulty. This group of bloggers was found at another hosting site (not Blogger--gasp!), and most of the posts were private and personal--read only by ones subscribers or allowed readers. Several friendships were born of that blogging stint. One friendship in particular, though, has turned into a true, lasting friendship. We both eventually moved our blogs to blogspot addresses. After four years of keeping up through email and blogging, I finally got to meet my long-time blog pal Allison.

Allison and her husband, Chad, live near the heart of Washington, D.C. and attend Capitol Hill Baptist Church. They have a beautiful son, Isaac, who is 19 months old. Allison blogs at Life's Lost and Found, and although she is on a blogging hiatus right now, I sincerely hope she gets back to it when life slows down a little. She blogs about faith, chronic pain, parenting, and life in general. You will be blessed by what you read there.

Throughout my years of blogging on infertility, Allison has been one of those people who has constantly pointed me to the cross of Christ. Whatever my emotion, whatever my doubt, whatever my ache---she was quick to empathize and even quicker to comfort me with the sovereignty of God...which is exactly what I needed. I did not need people to tell me how much I deserved children (I don't) or how sad my life was (it wasn't) or how unjust infertility is (it isn't) or that they were certain I would have kids at some point (no one can promise me that) or what a great mom I would someday be (yet to be determined--I foresee a huge failure). What I DID MOST CERTAINLY need was people in my life who would lend me that glimpse of eternity, who would tell me that yes, my suffering was painful but it was for my GOOD. I have a handful of people in my life who loved me with my sanctification in mind. Allison is one of those people. I am so thankful and indebted to her for her encouraging emails and blog posts. I hate that I didn't say this to her face when I met her for the first time last week. Allison--I'm SORRY I let this slip! THANK YOU for being Christ to me during some really hard days of my life!! You have no idea what your friendship has meant to me!

Capitol Hill Baptist Church hosts a conference for pastors a few times per year, and my pastor-husband was graciously invited and sponsored by Allison and Chad to attend. Imagine my surprise and excitement to receive a beautiful letter of encouragement from them last November with a generous gift for our next adoption in addition to an invitation to stay with them while my husband attended the Weekender conference at CBCH!! Plans were made and before I knew it, our trip to D.C. was at hand.

What I didn't plan on was a raging sinus infection a week before our trip. In a display of extreme stupidity, I put off going to the doctor because I thought I should just let my "cold" run its course. Stupid. The morning of our flight, I felt absolutely horrible. I felt like someone had been digging in my sinus cavities with a fork. Every upper tooth ached. We boarded a plane with our 21 month old (who was GREAT on the flight!) and the pressure from flying only made my sinus infection worse. HOWEVER--I was so excited to meet Allison that I was able to ignore it at first. She met us in baggage claim at the airport--so much tinier than I expected! Seriously, Allison, you are like a little pixie I could just put in my pocket! We hugged immediately, and surprisingly--meeting someone you've "known" for four years but have never seen face to face wasn't weird at all!! She and her husband were awesome hosts and were SO very sympathetic to me because yes, I got a whole lot worse before I got better. To make a very long story short, I ended up going to a walk-in clinic and got some antibiotics that made me really sick, but I really needed the antibiotics, so....what was I supposed to do? I felt pretty horrible most of our five days there. Allison was so great to let me sit in my jammies and relax without feeling any pressure to go and do anything. She treated me to an afternoon at the spa complete with facials, manicures, and pedicures. Obviously, I felt a lot better after that. ;-)

While my husband was in conference much of the time, Allison and I talked and talked--and basically just filled in the gaps between emails and blog posts. It was fun to get to know the personality behind the typed print attached to her name. She and Chad asked lots of questions about our ministry here in Missouri, and I was shocked to compare my slow pace of life in the Mid-West with their fast-paced, busy life in the city. Our sons played SO well together! And what a blessing it was to watch these two long-awaited blessings play together right before our eyes. [I have to insert here that her son Isaac pretty much loves me. That kid was so cute and so affectionate! I could just eat him with a spoon, if you'll pardon the Southern expression.]

As for my husband, he gleaned SO much helpful information and insight during the Weekender. It was providential that he was able to attend at this point in our church's life. We are hopefully on the cusp of a transition, and I think the conference was invaluable in helping William teach and lead through the transition. Add to that that he and I both just enjoyed Chad and Allison's company so much...it was a great trip. Alas, I did not take one picture. I know, I know!!! Neither did Allison and she is a photographer!! We just never had our cameras out at the right moment and it went by so quickly. Next time!

:::

Sometimes I wonder why I blog. I wonder--what does it matter, what does it do for me, what does it do for others, if anything. There are plenty of good reasons not to blog, that's for sure. The length between my posts will show you that I think about not blogging a lot. That said, though, God has so blessed me with a friendship born of blogging. In a seemingly simple attempt to find camaraderie in the midst of infertility, I found a life-long friend. There wasn't any reason our lives should have intercepted, really, but God in His infinite sovereignty and grace has woven our lives together in a unique way.

Last night I sat among my church members for corporate prayer and listened to their prayer requests and heartfelt prayers. After being at CHBC, it's tempting to compare how one church does one thing and how another church does another thing. It's tempting to compare my life to Allison's. It's tempting to imagine living in a large city as opposed to a really small town in Missouri. But when I think about how God has worked in our lives, how differently He has chosen to use us for His kingdom, I can really only be thankful for His plan. I journaled this morning:
It was good to be back in fellowship last night for corporate prayer. I am thankful for our ministry here. Even though things at Capitol Hill Baptist are on a much larger and seemingly more professional scale, our ministry is not devalued in that light. I am incredibly thankful to be here, investing in these people, at this point in time. What a privilege to pour out our lives here! I looked around at the faces of the people in prayer last night and was thankful for each one. I know their hearts, their struggles, their sufferings, their desires to faithfully follow Christ. What an immense blessing to walk alongside them. God is so good to us to place us here, even after the early rocky years. He has people here who love Him, whom He is preparing for eternity. Oh, may William and I be faithful to encourage them to hold fast.

I love that God has woven together a tapestry of His people all across the world. It is a beautiful thing indeed.

-glenna-

::reflections::

2010-03-09T15:15:00.000-06:00

While I am working on a writing project, I thought I would recycle some old posts here instead of leaving the blog stagnant. If you're a long-time follower, please excuse the re-run.

This short post was written in July of 2007. I had just spent a week at the beach with my husband and mother-in-law, and as it always seems to happen for me on vacations (why is that, by the way?), another cycle had ended with disappointment. Escaping alone to the beach, I found a spot in the sand and sat with my chin propped on my knees, my arms wrapped around my legs. I watched the tide creep up the shoreline and wondered at God's sovereignty. This is such a poignant memory for me. I remember the tears pressing behind my eyes and finally trickling down my sunburned cheeks. My heart was so heavy, but God was so good to me that afternoon.
The original post can be found here.

"the ocean & infertility"

I was sitting on the beach last week, watching the waves crash onto the shore line in front of me thinking that yet again, we are not pregnant. It was hard to hold back the tears, even though I feel that I should be used to this by now. I sat in the sand, praying in desperation for....something. Hope. Children. Faithfulness to God in spite of my grief, in the middle of my grief, because of my grief. I watched the rhythmic pull of the tide, with each crash of water, powerful waves crept towards my feet in the sand. I remembered the passage in Job (a fitting book when one wonders at her circumstances) where God says that the waves of the ocean can only go as far as He allows. In essence, God says, "little wave, you can only go this far, and no further up the shore than that." And the wave--powerful though it may be with the force of the Atlantic behind it--must obey, must submit to a Sovereign Creator. And so must I.

This may seem a disjointed train of thought, but what I reckoned with on the beach is that the God who holds the sea at bay is the same God who holds my fertility in His hands, as well as every other aspect of my life. He is the same God who is close and tender when He says, "No, not this time." Maybe His restraint in my life is not really like His keeping the mighty oceans in line, but maybe it is. I know that it is for my own good. And, as only a mighty and powerful Creator can hold the waters in his hands, He is letting me glimpse His glory in the midst of infertility.

"And I said, 'Thus far you shall come but no farther; And here shall your proud waves stop.'"

-God, in Job 11:38, NAS

::under construction::

2010-03-04T18:16:00.002-06:00

bear with me for a bit...making some changes to my site. :-)

::adoption reflections::

2010-03-01T11:44:00.003-06:00

Last night I dreamed about my son's birthparents.

We were walking the hospital corridors together, preparing to take Isaiah after he was discharged. His birthfather was telling my husband to buy some pint-sized jerseys for the baby for the college football team he liked. I was trying to think of something to say to her, but couldn't remember what her daughter's name was. I knew her name wasn't Danielle, but it was the only name that came to mind. So I just asked, "How are your other kids?" She kept walking and stared straight ahead without answering, which is nothing like her personality in real life. I don't know where Isaiah was. I didn't see his nearly-two-year-old self toddling around, nor his newborn version that I remember from June, 2008.

I woke up wondering how they were. Did they get our last few letters? What did they think of the most recent pictures, the set of personalized photo valentines we sent? What did they think of his haircut? Were they interested in getting together like I asked? Do they miss our son every day of their life? Our son--her son, his son, my husband's son, my son.

The dream, of course, invoked all sorts of memories surrounding Isaiah's birth. The moment we said "good-bye" and walked out with our son in the infant carrier. The moment immediately following where we carried our baby out to our car, me sobbing uncontrollable because I felt like I was stealing her son.

A tide of emotions mingle together and crash upon the shore of my memories. I am deeply and profoundly grateful to be his mother. I grieve when I think of her, his first-mom. I feel guilty for being the one he calls "Mommy," the one who tucks him in at night and hears his "luz yuuu," the one who kisses his hurts and makes them all better, the one who teaches him about Jesus, the one who tickles him mercilessly and hears his belly-laughing.

I feel guilty and grateful. I know she is at peace with her decision...she's told us numerous times. I believe her, but I can't help but hurt for her, for what she's missing.

Why am I so blessed? I will never cease to wonder at God's sovereignty.

::incidentally, this is my 100th post::

2010-02-25T18:33:00.003-06:00

Just for curiosity's sake, how many of you keep track of your infertility marathon? Do you mark the anniversary of when you first (and probably naively) began trying to conceive? Do you look back and think, "I had no idea what was coming,"?

I do.
I was just curious if you did, too. My 6th TTC anniversary is coming up and I've been dwelling a lot over the past 6 years. Been reading old journals and old posts and counting my blessings. God has been so faithful to move me past the emotional wreckage where I once lived. I know sometimes my posts here reflect differently from that statement because I still seem like an emotional basketcase, but seriously...if you had known me that first year you wouldn't have liked me very much. I truly believe God has used my infertility to make me someone I wouldn't have otherwise been. It has been a refining process that has shown me how poorly I've dealt with disappointment, how desperate I am for my Savior, and how faithful our sovereign God is.
It's not over, but even as I approach year number seven, I fully expect for God to continue in His goodness.

No, I am not pregnant, but tonight I am looking back at the past faithfulness of God, and I find myself very content in that. Praise You, Father!

-glenna-

::enough::

2010-02-18T13:37:00.000-06:00

I keep looking at this page, wondering what to write. The thing is...nothing's really changed since my last post. Content and discontent are still vying for my devotion. I admit to giving discontent a little more attention.

Truth is, the thought of getting back on the adoption route freaks me out a little. Reading and hearing about friends and acquaintances who are hitting roadblock after heart-wrenching roadblock defers me a little from jumping on the bandwagon again. My husband and I have discussed many options and at this point they are merely options--nothing concrete yet--but the thought of beginning anything scares me. When I reflect on our son's adoption, I marvel. It really was miraculous that he became ours. And not for beautiful, fluffy, you're-a-hero-for-adopting reasons. But because for 48 devastating hours he slipped through our fingers. Because the Lord directs a man's steps. Because of an unwavering, loving birthmother who could give her son what she desired by giving him to us to raise.

But the emotions of those days....I don't know if I could relive them knowing how they felt. I know risk is built into the very fiber of adoption. I knew this going into it, sort of. On the other side of it, I really know it. And I guess that is what scares me.

But I know it can be worth it. And so we pray. We make ourselves available. We take the risk. We pray. We wait. We pray. We overcome fear by knowing that God is sovereign. If He leads us to another child through adoption, no one can stop Him. If He leads a birthmother to parent, no one can stop Him. If He leads us to a child only temporarily, His grace is sufficient for us....there's always that: sufficient grace. Grace that is enough for infertility, for empty nurseries, for knowing a child only briefly, for fear, for a birthmother who hurts for all her life, for risk.

The grace of Christ is still enough for me.

::contentment 101::

2010-01-27T07:26:00.000-06:00

This morning's prayer time felt like a wrestling match. Back and forth, I vacillate between pleading for my heart's desire and praying that I can learn to submit to God's sovereignty. I think I'm allowed to do both. Supposed to do both, probably. The other difficulty comes when confessing the selfishness and sarcastic thoughts that grip my mind when I hear of others' pregnancies...after no trouble whatsoever. Normal people who have babies whenever they want. What must that be like???

There is a recurring theme in my posts here, I know, but this is what I've got. This is my struggle right now. It's not in any way a new one.

I put my son to bed last night and thought, what would it be like to be tucking in all the children I thought I would have had by now? How many would there be? Four? Five?

Stop right there. If I had all those hypothetical children, I would not have this one.

I desperately want God to teach me to be content. Isaiah is our miracle for now. He is a great blessing that I do not deserve.

How can I have a firm grasp on contentment while still longing for more children to love? There must be some way to be in both camps. I simply can't find the place in my heart yet, but I am still searching. It is that ever present fog that settles around me...hope and despair intermingled so well that it is hard to have one without the other.

Oh Lord, please teach me that You are enough.

::fyi::

2010-01-16T21:13:00.000-06:00

I have baby fever.....bad.

Just thought I'd let you know.

::i didn't fall off the planet...::

2010-01-11T09:02:00.001-06:00

...but I did fall off the wagon. The wagon being that ever-elusive carriage of contentment.

For many months I was handling my desires for pregnancy, for more children in general, for a houseful of little ones--adopted or born of my womb. I reconciled my deep longings with God's sovereignty, I thought. Lots of people I knew were pregnant. I was fine.

But then, one day in October (right before my last post), I got a phone call that shattered that sense of self-composure I had so carefully cultivated. I wrestled for two days with the fact that I was going to have to handle the pregnancy of someone I did not expect to be pregnant, should not have expected to be pregnant. A situation frought with disobedience and indiscretion. But here it was in front of me. And I knew in my gut that I'd have to hold the hand of someone with a womb filled with all I desired, and quite frankly believed I rightfully deserved.

Writing that last sentence makes me cringe a little. In my sense of self-righteousness, I fought with what felt unjust to me. Why? Why, Lord, would You allow her to conceive and not me? I spent a lot of time weeping on my knees. Because of my calling in life (my husband is a pastor, if you are a new reader), I knew I would have to be the support for this woman who was, in many ways, alone. A litany kept leaking out with my tears: "God, I cannot walk through this with her! I can't do it! Please don't ask this of me!" But I knew that this was exactly what God would require of me. I knew it with all of my being. And I knew that if He required it, He would give me the grace to endure it.

Which He did, of course. Because He is good.

The situation did not turn out as expected. The young woman involved ended up miscarrying, and then my ministry to her went in a different direction. I look back at my initial reaction and wish I had handled it better. Why did I let it get the best of me? Why, after all these years of infertility, did the sting feel like the very first time?

Since then, my desire for more children has only intensified. I can't explain it. I used to disdain women who had given birth to one child only to write about their desire for more. I thought, "You have one child already--be thankful! Some of us don't have any." What a hypocrite I am! I understand it so much better now. I love my son so much, so fiercely, that it just makes sense to have many more children to love and raise and spend my life on.

I was reading a blog the other day where a young mother was extolling the joys of having her children so close together (2 under 2!). She talked about her plan to have another baby next year and then possibly another because she loved having little ones in the baby stages. Astounded, I wondered what it must be like to have the freedom to think like that. I only ever thought that way before my husband and I began trying to have children way back in 2004. (Can it really be almost 6 years since that first negative pregnancy test?) After about 6 months of disappointments, I thought--how could I ever have planned something like this?

After reigning in my intensely jealous thoughts, I realized that that sweet young mother doesn't really have any more control over the size of her family than I do. "Many are the plans in the mind of a man, but it is the purpose of the Lord that will stand." (Proverbs 19:21) We all make plans and act accordingly, but it is the sovereignty of the Father that holds our lives together. And while I fight against His sovereignty at times, I know that He does what is best because He is good and faithful. I wonder if I will live my life forever as a barren woman, as the mother of one child through adoption. If that is all He allots me, then it is more than I deserve.

In spite of the negative turns of this post, I do take great joy in the role God has given me. I often look at my son, Isaiah, and wonder how in the world the Lord saw fit to grace me with him. It is true that my husband and I long for more children, and we are praying and thinking about how the Lord might lead us to additional children. We are talking foreign adoption, domestic foster-to-adopt programs, and who knows what else?

Whatever the next step is to be, I am learning to take hold of that carriage of contentment who is Jesus Christ. I hope to hold tightly for a while.

-glenna-

::despair::

2009-10-29T13:46:00.000-06:00

Oh, how I wish my heart were always as full as it was when I penned the previous post. Today, however, my heart is full of despair at what feels unjust. Remind me, Lord, that is good simply to be near You.

PSALM 73

¹Surely God is good to Israel,
       to those who are pure in heart. ² But as for me, my feet had almost slipped;
       I had nearly lost my foothold.
³ For I envied the arrogant
       when I saw the prosperity of the wicked.
⁴ They have no struggles;
       their bodies are healthy and strong.
⁵ They are free from the burdens common to man;
       they are not plagued by human ills.
⁶ Therefore pride is their necklace;
       they clothe themselves with violence.
⁷ From their callous hearts comes iniquity;
       the evil conceits of their minds know no limits.
⁸ They scoff, and speak with malice;
       in their arrogance they threaten oppression.
⁹ Their mouths lay claim to heaven,
       and their tongues take possession of the earth.
¹⁰ Therefore their people turn to them
       and drink up waters in abundance. ^[c]
¹¹ They say, "How can God know?
       Does the Most High have knowledge?"
¹² This is what the wicked are like—
       always carefree, they increase in wealth.
¹³ Surely in vain have I kept my heart pure;
       in vain have I washed my hands in innocence.
¹⁴ All day long I have been plagued;
       I have been punished every morning.
¹⁵ If I had said, "I will speak thus,"
       I would have betrayed your children.
¹⁶ When I tried to understand all this,
       it was oppressive to me
¹⁷ till I entered the sanctuary of God;
       then I understood their final destiny.
¹⁸ Surely you place them on slippery ground;
       you cast them down to ruin.
¹⁹ How suddenly are they destroyed,
       completely swept away by terrors!
²⁰ As a dream when one awakes,
       so when you arise, O Lord,
       you will despise them as fantasies.
²¹ When my heart was grieved
       and my spirit embittered,
²² I was senseless and ignorant;
       I was a brute beast before you.
²³ Yet I am always with you;
       you hold me by my right hand.
²⁴ You guide me with your counsel,
       and afterward you will take me into glory.
²⁵ Whom have I in heaven but you?
       And earth has nothing I desire besides you.
²⁶ My flesh and my heart may fail,
       but God is the strength of my heart
       and my portion forever.
²⁷ Those who are far from you will perish;
       you destroy all who are unfaithful to you.
²⁸ But as for me, it is good to be near God.
       I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge;
       I will tell of all your deeds.

::from my journal::

2009-10-10T14:27:00.003-06:00

dated Tuesday, September 29, 2009

:::
Is this not what I imagined my life to be like? I'm outdoors on a cool fall morning watching my baby son run around examining the world around him. He brings me a leaf to examine and I name it for him: "Leaf!" I pause in my writing to put jackets on both of us as the breeze is quite cool. The gentle rays of the sun peek out from behind trees to touch my face. My cup of coffee cools next to me and I have to protect it lest Isaiah drops a leaf or twig in it. (Smile) The only one missing is William who is headed to P______ to meet his dad for golf. I pray his trip is safe and enjoyable for him.

Other than his absence, it is picture perfect. No...it didn't happen the way I thought it would. I am still a barren woman, but more than that--the Lord has made me a joyous mother. I do not deserve such blessing.

Lord, You have poured out Your grace over me. Your goodness is so undeserved. Nothing in me merits such gifts. Thank You, Father. How kind You are to me....me--one who deserves only death and destruction, so heavy and damning is my sin. Yet you have redeemed my life from the pit and made me new. You have then continued to poor out grace upon grace. Grace upon grace.

:::
Today my heart is full.

http://rpc.technorati.com/rpc/ping

what's a girl to do?

2009-09-02T15:53:00.001-06:00

I was all set to hit up my obgyn for my annual exam on Monday, but thanks to day 1's appearance, I canceled the appointment. Can't get in to see her until November 21!
I'm not sure what exactly I want to hear from her. I mean, I'm a year post-op from the surgery to remove my right ovary and tube. One year since an incredible amount of endometriosis was scraped from my body. One year since I said good bye to that Stupid Tumor. One year since my already low reproductive chances were totally skewed. They were low anyway because of our male factor infertility. And then there was this whole endometrioma/endometriosis business we didn't even know existed but which played a silent part in our infertility. Now that that has been corrected, I'm having regular cycles again with little to zero pain. But our infertility still exists....what can my doctor even offer since I don't want to pursue ARTs? All she can say is "keep trying." And "come back if your pain returns."

I'm at least trying to live a healthier lifestyle these days. I'm doing it for overall health, but maybe it will increase our chances of pregnancy. It's nothing big...just portion control and running 4-5 days per week.

Other than that and a lot of prayer, what's a girl to do?

-glenna-
http://rpc.technorati.com/rpc/ping

::in my heart today::

2009-08-27T08:37:00.004-06:00

And so another 28 days comes to a dismal end for me today. Although I know our chances of conception "on our own" are ridiculously low, I keep praying and hoping that the Lord will intervene, shattering statistics and diagnoses. I know that He can, but for now it surely seems that He doesn't desire it for us. I'm struggling today as my heart fights despair. The words to this old hymn are rattling around in my mind this morning:

Rock of Ages, cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee.
Let the water and the blood,
From Thy wounded side which flowed,
Be of sin the double cure,
Save from wrath and make me pure.

Nothing in my hand I bring,
Simply to Thy cross I cling;
Naked come to Thee for dress,
Helpless look to Thee for grace;
Foul I to the fountain fly,
Wash me Savior or I die.

Not the labor of my hands,
Can fulfill Thy law's demands;
Could my zeal no respite know,
Could my tears forever flow,
All for sin could not atone;
Thou must save and Thou alone.

While I draw this fleeting breath,
When my eyes shall close in death,
When I rise to worlds unknown,
And behold Thee on Thy throne,
Rock of Ages cleft for me,
Let me hide myself in Thee.

Could my tears forever flow?
Could my zeal no languor know?
These for sin could not atone;
Thou must save, and Thou alone.
In my hand no price I bring;
Simply to thy cross I cling.

:::

Ah, hope and despair...mingled together and overflowing in my heart.

-glenna-

::still linking::

2009-08-25T15:16:00.002-06:00

As you can tell, I've done some work to my layout. And in the process I went ahead and deleted my blogrolls. SOooooo...if you want to be added to my link list, please leave a comment with your blog name and which category under which you want to be listed: infertility, adoption, infertility/adoption.
If you left a comment on the previous linking up post, I've got ya.

::linking up::

2009-08-21T08:56:00.003-06:00

I so appreciate all of the comments on my last post! I'm so thankful that in some way something I said resonated with you.
:::
It is way past time for me to update my blog roll. If you're an infertility, adoption, or infertility/adoption blogger and would like to be linked on my blog, please leave a comment on this post with your blog name and address as well as which category under which you'd like to be listed.

I look forward to lots of links to add to my rolls! Networking through blogs is a great way to find others who are walking the same path as you.

Blessings!

xoxo
glenna

::what to say to a friend who is dealing with infertility::

2009-08-17T10:31:00.009-06:00

A friend sent me a link to this post written by a mom who wants to know how to relate to the infertile woman.
I've thought about this post all morning....there is much I want to say, but there are two specific things the blogger addressed to which I want to respond. I so appreciate her attitude of compassion, wanting to treat her infertile friends with tenderness but not knowing how to do so without flaunting her overflowing quiver of blessings. I guess I can start by addressing that very issue.
:::
When we first began dealing with infertility, I think I had this crazy expectation for the rest of the world to stop reproducing until I could get pregnant. Needless to say, that didn't happen. Not even in my own circle of friends. Despite month after month, year after year of disappointments, people kept getting pregnant and delivering beautiful children. It was a ridiculous notion, of course, and one I never realized I had until I dealt with the bitterness towards my fertile friends that I had allowed to take root in my heart. It wasn't their fault they had no trouble having babies! What I ultimately had to deal with was God's sovereignty over my (in)fertility. Once I got to a place where my wrestling was with the Lord's plan for my life and not how He chooses to bless others, I was able to truly see the blessing of children in the life of others as a wonderful thing for them. My fertile friends shouldn't feel badly about their large families. I hope they know that!

Before adopting Isaiah, however, the constant "mom-talk" was the thing that wounded me so often. As is natural for women when they get together, the talk often goes to parenting (and bragging rights on their littles!). This is perfectly understandable. But, I cannot tell you how many times I felt completely isolated with absolutely nothing to contribute to the conversation. More times than I can count, I often wanted to flee the scene and cry my eyes out. The talk of children, parenting, and especially those who complained about parenting were like a continuous pouring of salt on my openly wounded heart. I can think of a few specific times where my eyes were filled with tears and I surreptitiously backed out of the circle of women.
This is NOT to say that you can't ever talk about your children! That would be absolutely absurd. You should talk about your precious babies! However, if you know an infertile friend is present, keep in mind that the constant mom-talk is a knife to her broken heart. Consider changing the subject from time to time. And whatever you do, don't complain about wanting time to yourself around her. What she wouldn't give to be caught up in the chaos of a house full of children!! Even after becoming a mother to one child, I still long for the chaos of a quiverful!

The other issue that's very close to my heart: adoption. Let me say this loud and clear: Adoption is NOT a cure-all for infertility. It's just not.

Adoption is a totally different, emotionally packed, heartrending, difficult experience. It is not a band-aid for infertility. And while I am an adoption advocate and want to encourage all families (not just infertiles) to at least consider adoption, it is not for everyone. Some people have histories or health problems that will prohibit them from adoption. For others, it is a financial hardship they may never be able to overcome (although that is not the case as often as people tend to believe).

I can't tell you how many people told us to "just adopt". As an adoptive mother, I can tell you that you never "just adopt." It is a purposeful, difficult decision...and one that involves many other people.

When someone who is fertile decides to have a baby, you just make the decision once. Get pregnant. Wait 9 months. Have a baby. Boom...you're a parent. With adoption, you decide over and over and over and over again that you will parent a child. You decide with paperwork, you affirm your decision with personal interviews and questionnaires, you decide again when you are put on a waiting list, when you sign loan papers, you decide again when an adoption plan falls through, again when you relist yourself on a waiting list, when your heart breaks after meeting the woman who wants to place her child with you, when you are placed with a child you are not sure you will be allowed to keep, when you give your heart to a child you didn't bear, when you wait out termination periods, when you finalize in court, when you finally allow yourself to believe that you are this child's adoptive parent. The decision to become an adoptive parent is not one you simply make once. You make it over and over and over again.

I'm definitely not out to make adoption seem insurmountable. It's not. I definitely want to encourage families to pursue adoption. We plan to pursue it again in a couple of years, Lord willing. But, it doesn't heal your infertility. It's not meant to. It's meant to provide a home for a child who needs it. I am still infertile even though I have a beautiful 14 month old son. And on that note, I wouldn't trade him for all the biological children in the world. Had we been fertile, Isaiah wouldn't be my son. Sometimes it's easy to see God's purpose for infertility. Sometimes it's not. What I should make clear is that though adoption seems like the logical step for an infertile couple (from the vantage point of the fertile couple), the two aren't really related. Adoption doesn't exist to make infertile couples parents. It just so happens that infertile couples are often chosen as adoptive parents because adoption does exist. I hope that makes some sense.

Let me break it down for you: don't be quick to suggest adoption to an infertile couple. Chances are they've already thought about adoption. And if the Lord leads them down that path, then so be it. But I can say for myself, that I had to settle some things in my heart before beginning the paperwork. I needed to be able to give my heart completely to the adoption process...to be able to set my pregnancy dreams aside at least for a little while. No amount of recommendations to "just adopt" is going to make it easier for your infertile friends. [A caveat: I should say that I write all of this from a woman's point of view, obviously. For my husband, it was much easier to just dive into adoption. But, he didn't have to deal with visions of pregnancy, delivery, etc. as I did.]
If you have had many conversations with a close friend about her infertility, perhaps you will have the opportunity to ask her if adoption is an option for her. But, don't let it be your first bit of wisdom to pass to her.

This next point was not one addressed in the blogger's original post, but it's one that I have mentioned before. When you, the fertile woman, have a pregnancy announcement, write your friend a letter. That is my first choice. The next would be a phone call. Then a private face-to-face. Never in public. Why, you ask? Because I needed privacy to be able to handle my emotions. If I got "the news" in a letter in the privacy of my own home, I can cry and deal with the ache in my empty arms alone. Then, after gathering myself together, I can call or meet you and find a way to truly rejoice with you as I am called to do in Scripture. But please, take seriously the other call from that same verse in the Bible: weep with those who weep. Looking for something to say to a broken-hearted infertile friend? Tell her how sorry you are that she can't achieve her dream. Hug her. Tell her you will always listen, always pray, always love. While the infertile woman doesn't really want to be treated with kid gloves, sometimes a little extra compassion can go a long way. I have one close friend who has given me a card every Mother's Day for the past several years. With tears in her eyes, she handed me a card telling me how she prayed that this would be the last year to endure Mother's Day with empty arms. I was so pleased to not receive a card from her this year but instead a hug of rejoicing!!

Let me close this with a letter I received from a very dear friend several years ago. She and her husband were married about 4 months after my own wedding. We were bridesmaids in each other's weddings and lived mere blocks from one another. She was pregnant within 6 months of marriage. With twins. And then had another baby. And another. She was put in the difficult place of being extremely fertile and yet close friends with infertile me. She put up with distance from me, bitterness, apologies. She prayed for me often. She asked how I was doing. She cried with me. In closing, let me share her words of encouragement with you. What a balm they were to my wounded heart:

Dear Glenna, I just wanted to let you know that you are my mind this morning. I have been praying for you. I do want you and William to know that we are faithfully praying for you both during this time...as you trust the Lord and His timing. Glenna, I pray that the Lord would bless you with a child! I pray this deeply--I don't know how else to say it. My heart longs for that for you my sister. I don't have the right words to say and I have no idea how to encourage you--but know that I love you and that I am before His throne making my request known to Him on your behalf. You are precious to me! Love, Carla (dated March 16, 2005)
:::
Now that I have meditated on all of these thoughts and emotions, my heart aches. My eyes are full of tears as I remember the many years of hope and despair mingled together. My burden of infertility has been one filled with brokenness and weeping. And yet...it has been other people, the gift of communion with brothers and sisters in Christ who have helped me to bear this burden--who have gladly come around me and held up my arms in Moses-like fashion, so to speak. God can and does use infertility to make me more like Christ. And He can and will do the same for you other infertile believers. His plan, though hard, is good. He can also use your infertility to break down thick walls around your heart...walls that were erected at the beginning of your infertility diagnosis. He can use it to teach you to let others who might not completely understand to still be a soothing balm to your soul. Let Him! Trust Him! He is GOOD!

I can say now, with tears streaming down my face, that as a barren woman, an adoptive mom to my beautiful Isaiah, blessed wife of William, and totally unworthy follower of Jesus Christ that infertility has been for my good. It has been a while since I really lived these deep seated emotions that infertility has wrought in my life, but it is good for me to remember the faithfulness of God to me through many difficult years.

I hope that this has been of some encouragement to you whose quivers are full, and for those of you dear ones who continue to long and wait with empty arms. The Lord is faithful.

xoxox0
-glenna-

::joseph::

2009-08-08T20:46:00.003-06:00

I recently did a post on my other blog about resources to help moms with their young children at home. It was a fun post, and I am thankful that I have a reason to post things like this. And yet, ever discontent apparently, I found my heart longing for more arrows to put in my quiver. My heart yearns for that at this very moment.

You see, when I wrote that post, I had just come from a visit with a close friend who has four very young children. We had talked about how her days go, how intentional she is with discipline, learning, playtime, devotionals, etc. with all four of her children. It was incredibly encouraging to me to put more order into my days as a stay-at-home-mom of one. And yet…I thought, “I have one child whom I love so very much. But what I wouldn’t give for a house full of children to make my days chaotic and crazy! If I love one child this much, how wonderful would it be to have a literal house full?!”

And I think that is one of the things that makes infertility so very hard for me. I have never been one of these women who thought, “If I just have one child I’ll be happy. That’s all I ask.” That’s not me. From the very beginning of my dreams of children, it has been for at least four children...and really, however many the Lord deemed appropriate for us. Several little seedlings to raise up. That was my dream. So when we were in the very early stages of infertility, I felt I had been dealt a very heavy blow. If it was going to take years to have one child, would I never ever achieve my dream of multiple children? In my mind, infertility wasn’t the death of one dream but of many.

:::
I appreciate all your kind words welcoming me back, whether through the comments or through email. I am humbled that you would care to read of my internal struggles. I do think I will write here for as long as my heart can stand it. I pray that even in my longing, I will somehow point you and myself to Christ, the One in Whom our hearts find rest.

-glenna-

(*A hundred points to anyone who can unravel the meaning of the title of this post. It shouldn't be hard!)

::untransparent::

2009-08-05T14:50:00.003-06:00

I don't know if anyone still reads this blog, but I am stepping a toe (my baby toe) out into the infertility blog world again. Slowly and with much trepidation.

You see, infertility is still a big part of my life, but I don't feel as justified talking about it anymore because we have been so blessed with our son through adoption. I am a mom, which was my dream.

I still long in my heart to do what women were designed physically to do. But I can't. Should I blog about that anymore? Is it fruitless?

I struggle to put my bare bones feelings out there for all to see. I think it's because I am incredibly content in mothering my son, in being a wife to my dear husband. Will searching the depths of my heart cause discontent to surface and rule my thinking? I'm not sure I want everyone to read my conflicting emotions.

At any rate...I'm at least thinking about coming back here to chat.

-glenna-

::5 years of infertility::

2009-04-23T16:04:00.002-06:00

Five years of trying to conceive have come and gone. We are a week into our 6th year. I expected to feel..something. And I do...I just struggle to put it into words.

For me, it was singleness. Then God led me to William.
Then it was childlessness. Four years later, God gave us Isaiah through adoption.
Now a year later, I intensely desire another child. But, perhaps God will simply lead me to contentment with Himself.

My heart always seems to hunger, but I know it will not rest until it rests in Him.

::adoption/infertility interview::

2009-04-02T10:31:00.003-06:00

I was recently interviewed for a website called TotallyHer.com on the issues of adoption after infertility. Click here to read. There was a whole lot more I could have said throughout the interview, but I didn't want to hog the article.

If you have any questions about my answers, please feel free to ask.

Thanks,

-glenna-

::things that have changed::

2009-01-17T22:30:00.005-06:00

Yikes, it's been a while since I posted.

I think about blogging here all the time, and I've even pulled up the entry screen only to find that I have nothing to say...which is weird considering all the things I used to have to say about infertility. For over 4 years, it seemed that infertility was the one of the few constant things in my life. It was the one hard thing I knew would continue to plague me but hoped against hope would disappear. I truly thought that the only cure was pregnancy. I sit here on the edge of the beginning of our 6th year trying to conceive and sift through my thoughts about this now.

But adoption really changed my constant struggle between hope and despair.

Or, I guess I should say that the Lord really used the adoption of our son to show me that with an eye towards eternity, my barrenness was a lesser issue than I thought. I know it kind of pains you to read a statement like that. A year ago it would have killed me to read that on someone's blog, mostly because in some recess of my heart I knew it was true, but since pregnancy was the thing I was fighting so hard for, believing that statement seemed to negate the reason for our years of hurt. What I'm not saying is that my infertility doesn't matter. It does. It really does. But, it is not the end of my world, not the thing that makes my life worth living or not. And neither is adoption or being a mom. For my readers who are followers of Christ, you know where I'm going with this. Infertility seems to be the thing that God chose to use to turn my heart more towards Him, to open my heart to something I wouldn't have formerly considered, to stretch my definition of family, to realize that we only walk this earth for a brief shadow of time. And while my heart does continue to yearn to experience pregnancy and birth, I have seen that God can put families together in all sorts of ways, and if He means for me to be a mother through adoption, then that was the best plan possible. It wasn't second best, plan B, or an "Oops! That wasn't how I meant for this to go; guess I'll push them towards adoption and hope they're okay with it" from God.

I guess what I'm trying to say, however poorly my words express it, is that with the ebb and flow of each month of hope, I find that the despair I used to experience is just not one that reaches the core of my heart anymore. The Lord used my doctor to successfully remove the parts of me that were causing my extreme physical pain each month, and He filled my home with the squeals and laughter of a beautiful baby whom I am pleased to call my son, which has eased my emotional pain to a very far degree. What I see tonight is that the Lord fulfilled what was His first and foremost plan, even though it wasn't MY first and foremost plan. And it was better than my first and foremost plan could have been, even for reasons I may never understand or recognize--and I can understand and recognize plenty right this minute. When I think of His sovereign plan and how far it reaches, how many people are encompassed, how much humanity is touched by each thing that He does, it astounds me that He would even consider me and love me. And He has chosen to do something different with me than a lot of people; not for anything I've done or not done, but because He is good and gracious and does ALL things well.

My infertility has been used for good. And while I do have my days where I feel slighted and passed over when it comes to pregnancy and birth and children that look like me (I imagine those days will plague me for quite some time), I understand that my life is not about me. It is about how my days on this earth can be used to bring glory to the Father of lights who deigned to reach down, and touch us with grace by sending His Son to take on our human flesh and sorrow, to "breathe our air and walk our sod," and to redeem the lives of those who believe through His death and resurrection. And if infertility and adoption can somehow bring Him glory, then I am thankful He chose those means to bring it about in my life.

When I think about it deeply, I realize I am the one who is blessed. I could still be stuck in my yearning to be a mother. The Lord chose not to open my womb but to open my heart to something different and new (to me). I was thinking as I worked around my home tonight after Isaiah was in bed. How different everything looks these days! It is apparent that a seven month old lives here. Our living room is overflowing with baskets of toys, a highchair flanks our dining room table, a bottle station and basket of bibs & burp cloths grace my kitchen counter tops, my dishwasher is full of small, colorful bowls & spoons, exersaucer & jump-up fill in the doorways, endless piles of tiny laundry go in and out of the laundry room at all times, there is often the sound of laughing and squealing and "gooing," every trash can in the house seems to be full of diapers.
What kind of life am I living now? It astounds me that the Lord has graced me with the thing I thought He was out to keep from me forever. What a distorted view of God I had. I thought He would use my infertility to keep me suffering, to hold my deep longing just out of arm's reach, to teach me how to fight constant bitterness.

I was wrong.

Of the many ways He has used my infertility, He also used it to make me a mother.

"He settles the barren woman in her home as a happy mother of children. Praise the LORD."
~Psalm 113:9~

::

I know that His plan for your life may look completely different. Perhaps it will bring Him the most glory to open your womb, or to keep it closed. Perhaps He will lead you down the path of adoption, or not. Whatever His plan, know that it is good and bringing Him glory, no matter how difficult to endure. For whatever brings Him the most glory, my friend, also is for your good.

Praise Him.

-glenna-

::are we seeing a pattern here?::

2008-12-11T22:28:00.003-06:00

I have had exactly 3 cycles since my surgery (to remove right ovary/endometrioma and endometriosis, Aug. 21, 2008--in case you're new here).
Cycle 1: 27 days
Cycle 2: 32 days
Cycle 3: 28 days

Will Cycle 4 (which, granted is a month away) be another 30ish number? I'm worried that my remaining left ovary might not be doing its job of taking over for its bum companion that was removed a few months ago. My doc told me that instead of just ovulating every other month, my left ovary would actually take over and pop out an egg for both ovaries. Isn't that weird? It's cool, but it's weird.

And yet...I'm still a little worried. The thought of only having half the chances when we already have pretty low chances is kind of depressing.

Don't get me wrong, though. I'm ecstatic about normal cycle lengths. Pre-surgery, every cycle lasted at least 35 days. Usually it was more like 37, and sometimes it hit the 40's. Having a 28 day cycle actually seems magical for me.

I'm just really interested to see how this continues. Although a 9 month interruption would be very welcome. :)
::
I keep wanting to blog more here, but I am just not sure what to write about. I mean, I am a mom, which was the endgame in all this longing and waiting, right? And yet I am still infertile. It's a paradox, really...I'm not sure how to handle it. So that's why I've been a little skimpy on the posting.

::good thing I wasn't pregnant::

2008-11-20T22:22:00.003-06:00

Wanna know what's worse than two weeks of sore throat, sinus junk, incessant coughing, and a general feeling of what I like to call "blah", while surfing the crimson wave and taking care of a 5 month old?

Getting the stomach virus on top of the lovely rest of it. That's what's worse.

I think my immune system hates me.

I cannot tell you how sick I have been!

Thank the Lord, I am finally on the mend.

More bloggy-ness coming later.

-glenna-

::no news::

2008-11-13T22:22:00.005-06:00

Another cycle come and gone...this one a bit longer than the last, which of course makes me a teeny bit fearful that my trusty remaining ovary is not doing its job. Or that the endometriosis is coming back to life and taking over my insides. You know the little Mucinex man on the commercial that camps out in people's lungs until they take the drug and then cough him up? That's what I picture when I think about the endometriosis coming back, camping out in my reproductive organs, throwing parties, inviting his friends, staying up all night.

It's kinda stupid.

All that said, though, I am really looking forward to enjoying the holidays for the first time ever with a cute little baby on my hip. The past 5 holiday seasons were shadowed by our unmet desire for children, and although we always enjoyed our time with family, there were too many painful reminders that we were still childless. And since I wrote a Christmas letter every year to stuff into our Christmas cards (along with a picture of us, of course--yes, I am that person!), I always felt the need to say things like, "Well, while we would love to be parents, we ask for your prayers in that area, blah, blah...awkward silence...crickets chirping....oh and by the way, Merry Christmas" I guess I felt like we were standing still, which is a horrible way of looking at it, I know. Then last year, I just left the letter out. We had had a really hard year (for a number of reasons, but infertility and failed treatments were definitely key players) and I just didn't have it in me to write the letter, the same letter I felt like I'd been writing for four years.

But this year...it will be different, thank the Lord! We have been blessed through adoption, and I can't wait to finally experience the holidays as a mother. The Lord has poured out His grace on us...we are full to overflowing.

Oh, and our finalization date for Isaiah's adoption is December 22nd...just in time for the holidays! We get to make an quick trip to the state of his birth for quick court hearing, but at that point all the legal proceedings are DONE. No more red tape! All things will be official, and I'm looking forward to that day!

My cup runneth over.

Blessings on those who continue to wait....

-glenna-

2008-10-23T20:18:00.003-06:00

Whoa.....sorry for the lack of updates.

I've just not known what to write, honestly.

We're back into this up-and-down cycle of trying to conceive. But not. What I mean is that we are back into "TTC mode," but we are not obsessing about it. And some of that not-obsessing comes from already being a mom. Like, no charting for me because I have no real set waking time but I do have lots of random waking times throughout the night.....so temperatures are not really reliable. I thought about buying some OPK's but....gosh, I just get so wrapped up in it at all when I'm that invested and I just...don't want to go...there. Once my mind goes there, I'm stuck there, you know?

If I weren't already a mom, I would probably be soooo more into this, but I feel sorta guilty for jumping hard core on the TTC bandwagon because I already have this beautiful son. I mean, I'm a mom! That was the goal, right? No, I didn't get pregnant (which was sort of the goal), but I did become a mom (which was the goal). Which is why I'm not sure what to write here anymore.

What to do, what to do.

I should mention, though, (and this is where all non-female readers should stop reading), that I had my first full cycle since my surgery (told ya to stop reading, guys). And wouldn't you just know--I had a 27 day cycle. Twenty-seven days!! As opposed to 35, 37, or even 42 days (which I think was the longest cycle I've ever had). And wow...so that's what menstrual cramps are supposed to feel like?!?! Oh, that is nothing!! I guess I realized just how much pain I was in pre-surgery. In retrospect, the endometriosis had really caused a lot of pain...it was just my "normal" so I didn't think anything of it. Wow. I'm am so glad to be rid of the Stupid Tumor.

Since I'm still struggling with what to write here, since I'm still dabbling in both worlds--the world of motherhood and the world of infertility, since I just don't know where I fit....I'll leave you with this, because he's just so darn cute. And 4 months old now if you can believe it.

More to come...

-glenna-

::out of pocket::

2008-09-24T13:43:00.000-06:00

No posts anytime soon....my hard drive crashed. :(

::the old college try::

2008-09-18T15:35:00.007-06:00

Last night during our prayer service at church, we read Psalm 113 right before spending time in corporate prayer. This is the first time I have read this passage since becoming a mom.

1Praise the Lord!
Praise, O servants of the Lord,
praise the name of the Lord!
2 Blessed be the name of the Lord from this time forth and forevermore!

3 From the rising of the sun to its setting,
the name of the Lord is to be praised!

4 The Lord is high above all nations,
and his glory above the heavens!
5 Who is like the Lord our God,
who is seated on high,
6 who looks far down
on the heavens and the earth?
7 He raises the poor from the dust
and lifts the needy from the ash heap,
8 to make them sit with princes,
with the princes of his people.
9 He gives the barren woman a home,
making her the joyous mother of children.
Praise the Lord!

After my husband read that last verse aloud to the group, my heart was immediately overflowing with emotion. Praise God--that is ME! I am a barren woman whom He has given a home and made the joyous mother of a son! I know that this verse is not a promise for every barren woman, and indeed--I have not been made "unbarren" (although I pray He sees fit to do so one day), but He has still made me the joyous mother of a child. And this.....just astounds me! I feel very blessed.

:::

As far as how things are going post-op...well, I have had my first cycle since the surgery and I have to say....so that's what a normal cycle feels like! That's nothing! I didn't realize that my pain was so much greater than a regular person's cycles. I am so glad to be pain free, although I guess my pain tolerance was greater than I realized. We are doing everything within our power over the next 6 months to optimize our chances of conceiving.

Vitamins....they never sit well in my stomach. But, we are both taking a handful of vitamins that I have researched for both of our fertility issues. My husband is so good about the small army of pills he has to take. He happily downs them every night without a complaint. We are both exercising regularly, too, and trying to eat well. I don't really know what else we can do. I have a book on Traditional Chinese Medicine, but I don't have access to acupuncture or herbalists where we live, so please don't make that recommendation.

It feels strange to be thinking about all of this again. I had really gotten out of the habit once our adoption plan was well underway. I tucked my BBT thermometer into a drawer and stopped obsessing about charts and graphs. I don't know if I can do the thermometer thing with a baby who still wakes often at night, but I'm curious about what my chart will look like now that my endometriosis has been cleaned out. I used to have a saw-tooth like chart, but I read that that is very common with endometriosis or growths.

At any rate, we'll do what we need to do to try to conceive naturally...or, as my doctor says, "to give it the old college try." Please do pray for us over the next 6 months.

Also, you will really have to convince me to post the surgery pics of the Stupid Tumor; I will only do it if you REALLY want me to. I feel kind of strange exposing my insides to the world, yet it is strangely fascinating.

XOXO

::when i get a little overwhelmed by our infertility::

2008-09-08T19:40:00.001-06:00

I remember I am blessed.

::demon of infertility, thy name is endometriosis!::

2008-09-04T18:40:00.005-06:00

I had my post-op appointment today. I wondered what all my options would be considering that I wasn't conscious the last time I saw my doctor and my husband couldn't remember all the details. He was understandably focused on me and whether or not any cancer was present (thank the Lord, it wasn't!). One thing he DID tell me (& that I remembered from my pre-op appointment) was that medically induced menopause was a treatment option. Lupron (which many of you are familiar with). But....I just wasn't real excited about that being my option for the next 6 months. Understandably so since common side effects are mood swings, hot flashes, and weight gain. Bleh.

My doctor did an exam and checked all my incisions. Everything looks to be healing correctly and I was given the go-ahead to resume normal activities, minus any heavy weightlifting at the gym (because we all know there was a huge danger of that happening!!). No problem. Before I get to our options, I'll share about my pictures. I have two pages of pictures (in color!!) of my insides. It's a little gross, but kinda cool. What's weird about it is that the right ovary (which is no longer in my body, thanks to the surgery) was more than three times the size of the left ovary. I thought there had been a tumor growing like on the outside of the ovary, but actually the endometrioma had sort of "taken over" the ovary and had filled it with this nasty liquid (think melted chocolate; yes I know that's gross) that is endometriosis. For this reason, the ovary is gone. No saving it. The other ovary was a little enlarged, but was nothing compared to the right one which was almost the size of my entire uterus.

But let's not forget to mention that my entire reproductive area was a "mess," to quote my doctor. Endometriosis everywhere. Some adhesions in my uterus as well, but the D&C took care of that. My doc burned off nearly all of the endometriosis (which, by the way, is uterine lining that is growing outside the uterus. Right tissue, wrong location, in other words.) except for the little bit that was growing on the wall of my bladder, which I greatly appreciated. No holes in my bladder, please.

Now. Options.

A. Birth Control pills for six months or so to stop the growth of the endometriosis and to alleviate pain. Obviously, no trying to conceive.
B. Lupron for 6 months to essentially shut down the production of estrogen (which causes the endo to grow and spread), and to "kill off" the endometriosis. Also, no trying to conceive because I will not be ovulating.
C. Do nothing. Try to conceive "on our own" since we're not pursuing IVF or ICSI (if we were pursuing those things, now would be the prime time since I've been "cleaned out."). Re-evaluate in six months.

After talking with my doctor, we have decided to C. Do nothing. Why? Well, pain has never been a real issue with me. My endometriosis was not causing a lot of pain, which is the tricky thing about endometriosis. Some people have a tiny bit of endo, but major amounts of pain. Others, like me, have a lot of endo and no pain. Some have lots of endo and lots of pain. It's different for each person. My main problems were from the uncomfortable bloating that was a result of the endometrioma which was removed from my body. So, I don't need to take option A or B for pain management since I haven't had much pain. I REALLY want to avoid the drugs if I can. My doctor was okay with that, but I have to call her if I do have pain. So, for the next six months, we'll just give it the "old college try", as my doctor likes to call it. ;) And we'll pray and fast and hope that the Lord will bless us with pregnancy. Because, not only do we want biological children, pregnancy stops the growth of endometriosis.

It's strange timing of course since we have this precious little one at home, our miracle through adoption. And we haven't been focused on trying to conceive since we have him in our lives. He, in every way, is our beautiful child. We are already parents. And frankly, I'm a little overwhelmed at the thought of having another baby so soon, but, because of the diagnosis of endometriosis, we feel that it's a good time to really pray for a child through pregnancy. And pray we must since we already have male factor infertility throwing a mean left hook at us.
If, in 6 months, we have not gotten pregnant, we'll re-evaluate our options. If pain becomes an issue, we'll re-evaluate our options sooner.

But...for the record, that's what's going on. Endometriosis. We would not have known about it if I hadn't had all the bloating from the endometrioma. No wonder we haven't gotten pregnant. I mean, even with serious male factor infertility, there is still always a chance we could conceive "on our own", but with the mess that I saw on the pictures.....no wonder we haven't. I'm thankful it was discovered, that my doctor took my complaints seriously, that I took my discomfort seriously, and that much of the disease has been removed from my body.

All we do now......try and pray.

XOXO
glenna

**disclaimer: yes I know that I don't have all the terminology correct, but I am trying to explain this in a way that is not too full of medical jargon, that the average IF sufferer can understand, that makes sense to me. So....no comments about my kindergarten explanations, please. ;)

P.S. I am not opposed to posting the pictures of my insanely large tumor/ovary and the endometriosis that has taken over my insides. All you have to do is ask. ;)

::recovery::

2008-08-22T11:58:00.002-06:00

Well, I am the proud owner of just one ovary. An ovary with some endometriosis growing on it at that! My right ovary, which was twice the size of the left one, was removed along with the tumor that was attached with it. The tumor was definitely an endometrioma, thank the Lord! No cancer. My uterus, which had had a thick lining and was worrying us about precancerous cells, was absolutely fine. So thankful for that! My left and only remaining ovary is in good shape, but does have some endo growing on it. I'm still kind of in a blur as to what will be the treatment options for that since yesterday was such a haze, but my husband tells me that when I go for my post-op appointment, the doctor will discuss putting me in medically induced menopause for a few months to stop the growth of the endo. After that, we have an optimal chance to try to conceive. We do have other factors in our infertility, so we would still be praying for a miracle, but we'll definitely try and pray!!

Thanks for praying for me! The recovery time yesterday was NOT fun, but I am at home now and resting. My have three incisions and the one that is over the spot where my ovary used to be is a lot larger than they had planned, and it is the one giving me the most pain, but we're getting through it. I'll be laid out on the couch for a couple of weeks, but my husband is a huge help and is waiting on me hand and foot. My mom is here taking good care of my little baby boy, so I am thankful for her. I don't have to worry about anything but getting better.

Speaking of....I just took some pain meds, so I better stop here before I start typing goofy stuff.

Thanks for praying, friends.

XOXO
glenna

::back to the infertility drawing board::

2008-08-04T19:45:00.003-06:00

It's so time for a real post.

I was wondering what to do about this blog. I mean, I'm kind of in the "already-not yet" phase of my journey with infertility. Already a mom, not yet pregnant. I have been amazingly blessed by the adoption of our son Isaiah--I can't tell you how it has filled that need to be a mom. I AM a mom, even if I didn't give birth.

I was listening to a Caedmon's Call song recently titled "Sacred". For the first time, I listened to it as a mother (I used to skip it all the time), and I was so choked up I couldn't sing along.
Here are the words:

this house is a good mess
it’s the proof of life
no way would I trade jobs
but it don’t pay overtime
I’ll get to the laundry
I don’t know when
I’m saying a prayer tonight
cause tomorrow it starts again

could it be that everything is sacred?
and all this time
everything I’ve dreamed of
has been right before my eyes

the children are sleeping
but they’re running through my mind
the sun makes them happy
and the music makes them unwind
my cup runneth over
and I worry about the stain
teach me to run to You like they run to me for every little thing

when I forget to drink from you
I can feel the banks harden
Lord, make me like a stream
to feed the garden

wake up, little sleeper
the Lord, God Almighty
made your Mama keeper
so rise and shine, rise and shine cause
everything is sacred
and all this time
everything I’ve dreamed of
has been right before my eyes

Yeah, I'm a little sappy, but as I look at piles of laudry undone, stacks of unwritten thank you notes, mail spread out on the dining room table, and the tiny little guy lying next to me on the couch, I am thankful for my mess, for this little one who makes me a mommy.
:::

So I wondered what to do with this blog. I mean, technically we still try to conceive. There is still in my heart a desire to conceive and give birth. I don't know many women who don't desire that at some point in their lives. But, it's not at the forefront of my mind like it was. I struggle even to know what day of my cycle I'm on these days! I guess that's a good way to not stress about it, right?

About two weeks ago, I had a doctor's appointment with my obgyn for my yearly well-woman exam. I told her in passing that I had been having really painful cycles over the past 6 months or so, followed by intense, acute bloating like I've never felt before. I thought maybe I was making it up--maybe I was being a baby about the pain, you know? But, my doc decided to order an ultrasound just to be safe. I thought maybe she was blowing it our of proportion and I immediately thought, "great, I'll have to pay for a procedure that will show that everything's fine. waste of time and money. bleh." My doctor also ordered a lipids and glucose panel since I'm 27 and haven't had one of those done in a long time. (oh goody, now I'm a candidate for the cholesterol talk.)

Today was the day for my morning of appointments. I went in and had my blood drawn first while I was fairly bursting from all the water I was required to drink for the U/S. After having my labs done, I went for the U/S. The tech did the first part on my belly, and then I was thankfully allowed to empty my bladder and have the internal wand used for another angle(always a joy). When I came out of the bathroom wrapped in the sheet, I hopped on the table and got situated in everyone's favorite position: the stirrups. I'm used to them, so I wasn't concerned. What I did notice is that the U/S tech had turned the screen away from me so I couldn't see what was going on (not that I would have been real sure what I was looking at anyway). I thought, "hmm...odd." Then the U/S took a reeaallllyy long time. At one point I got a tiny peek at the screen and saw a plethora of measurements on the screen. Uh-oh.

I was allowed to clean up and leave for a while (to get a snack since I had to fast for my labs). I was to return in 45 minutes to meet with the doctor. Fortunately, Starbucks was only about two blocks away. I sat and drank my grande Caramel Macchiato and tried not to stress.

When I returned, the doctor came in pretty quickly and sat down. "Glenna, you have a mass on your right ovary. It's not a cyst, it's a tumor."

My heart stopped beating for a second.

She immediately said, "I can see in your eyes that your mind has immediately gone to ovarian cancer and that everyone dies from that." She handed me some tissue; I didn't even realize that I was crying.

"Don't freak out, " she said with her hand on my arm. "While I can't guarantee you that it's not cancerous, I really think it's probably an endometrial tumor. But we have to do surgery to take it out. And I don't really want to wait that long. You have to know that there is a good chance that I have to remove your ovary as well. I will try to save it, but I may not be able to."

By this time tears were streaming down my face. She started to tear up, too, and said she knew this was hard to take. She hugged me really tightly (I have a great doctor, by the way!) and tried to reassure me.

She showed me one of the 40 million U/S pics of my tumor and compared it with some pics of cysts (I apparently have several of those lovelies, also). The cysts were transparent and smaller. The tumor was a bigger (but still relatively small) solid mass. She went on to explain more.

"I think this is definitely a factor in your infertility. I know you have other issues, but I think this tumor is NOT helping. Your other ovary is healthy and you can function and still possibly have children with it (depending on the other infertility issues). I'm SO glad you didn't blow off the bloating issue. I'm really glad you mentioned that to me when you were in last."

She kept reassuring me and comforting me and then took me to the lab for more bloodwork in preparation for my surgery. My procedure is scheduled for August 21.
:::
I called my husband (my rock of a man who is always just what I need) in mess of tears and emotions, and he just wanted me to hurry home (I was a good 30 minutes away). After spending the day talking with him, family, and friends, I am feeling better about this tumor. Stupid tumor, but I'm coming to terms with it. The good news is that I am young, healthy, and my other exams were fine, so it is very unlikely that this tumor is cancerous. It's still a possibility, but I'm trying not to focus on it. I'm a little more concerned about losing my right ovary when we already about about 37 decks of cards stacked against us when it comes to conceiving. Thankfully, God gave us women TWO ovaries, so maybe leftie here will work overtime and give me a darkhorse chance to have a biological child.

Nothing like more infertility grief when I was conveniently distracted by the adoption of our beautiful son. But you know what? God was not surprised by this tumor. He can and will make good out of this situation, and I pray He receives all glory for whatever that is. While I struggle not to fret and worry, I repeat in my head the words, "I lift up my eyes to the hills. Where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth!" Thank GOD I have a Savior who is alive and well and who will carry me through this.

He is good, all the time.

Even though I fret about losing any tiny chance I had left of conceiving, I get to look at this every day.

I covet your prayers.

XOXO
glenna

::for a friend::

2008-08-01T11:51:00.002-06:00

Please pray for Allison!!

(A real update from me coming soon--I promise!)

::long time, no post::

2008-06-25T09:38:00.008-06:00

Sorry, friends!

Things have been a little busy, heh heh.

This guy takes up most of my time.

For those of you who didn't take the leap to our other site, let me fill you in.

William Isaiah was born on June 14 at 2:43p.m. He weighed 6 pounds, 12 ounces, and was 19 inches long.

The last days of our adoption process were full of ups and downs, but he officially became our son on Tuesday, June 17, 2008. We are thrilled to be parents, finally.

And as difficult a statement as it may be to read for some, I honestly feel in my heart of hearts--when I look into this little face that I can finally say....

Praise God for infertility.

If not for infertility, we wouldn't be holding this sweet little baby who has captured our hearts.

The Lord is good in His sovereignty. He is SO good. We are incredibly thankful for Isaiah.

And it gives me great pleasure to sign this as:

-the new mommy-

::best birthday present ever::

2008-06-14T08:24:00.001-06:00

BABY IS COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(for real this time)

::27::

2008-06-13T08:36:00.003-06:00

Hop on over to Aaron and Angie's site and congratulate them--they got THE call today stating that their birthmother's water broke. How exciting!!

Also, fellow IF sufferers Farah had her baby a couple of days ago, and Amy also gave birth last week. Babies abound!!

::

We are still waiting. Today is my 27th birthday, so it would be REALLY nice if baby boy decided to make an appearance today, but I know...that's stretching it a bit. ;)
I've kind of got it in my head that he's staying in there forever. That way, I'm not nervous all the time. It's flawed logic, of course, but it keeps me from losing my sanity. Hehe. In all honesty, I DO want him to stay in the oven as long as possible so that he's as healthy as can be when he actually IS born; at the same time, I don't want his birthmom to have to endure full-term pregnancy pains in this incredible heat for too much longer!

I was really hoping I'd be a mom before this birthday, and it's silly to be unhappy simply because I'm not a mom yet--I know that I'm about to be a mom (Lord willing). I was just kinda...hoping, you know? You can just ignore the sentimental babblings of a woman who is losing her mind waiting for her baby. ;) My husband will be 30 on the 26th. I REALLY hope baby is here by then!

I'll keep you posted!

-glenna-

::false alarm::

2008-06-09T21:22:00.002-06:00

Okay, so by now you must know that last week's post was a false alarm. No baby yet.

To keep things simple, however, I'll still be updating our family blog, so please check for updates. When we leave for the baby's birth I WILL update there, but probably not here--it's just easier to update once, you know?

For now....I'm just waiting. Putting final touches on the nursery (click here for pictures), sorting a huge box of baby clothes that came in the mail from family (Thanks, Aunt Teresa!!!), writing thank-you notes (which I need to do more quickly), and trying to plan at least one fun thing each day to take my mind off of the waiting. Tomorrow it's going to the pool with some friends. Today it was walking to the library with my husband and returning with an armload of books (I know, we're nerds) and then going to catch a matinee. Anything to occupy my restless mind!!

Thanks for all your comments and prayers! Check our other site often for updates!!

XOXO
glenna

Baby is on his way!!

2008-06-05T15:19:00.001-06:00

So much for waiting!!!

Baby is on his way!

We'll update as soon as possible, but check our family blog for those updates.

Keep us all in your prayers!!

XOXO
glenna

::Limbo::

2008-06-05T12:43:00.004-06:00

Yes, we are still waiting on this baby to make his appearance. We have heard from our social worker that the birthmom has had some pre-term labor (I'm not entirely sure that what means, except that is isn't the "real thing"), but nothing further.

How do I sleep at night, you ask?

I don't know. I just do. Most of my stressing is done during the day. See, I finished teaching for the year and since school's been out, I've spent my time getting ready for this baby's appearance. But now, everything is packed and ready to go at a moment's notice. There really is nothing left to do! So, my days are spent reading, mindlessly channel surfing, keeping the laundry and dishes up constantly so we don't leave a mess should the call come, and aimlessly wandering through the house. I feel like I'm wasting away while waiting for this most important event!! It's funny, really.

This morning I spent a couple of hours at a friend's house and had a cup of coffee with her. Spending time with others REALLY helps take my mind off of things, for the most part. However, our friends and family are just as anxious as we are... :)

I'll tell you what I haven't done much of--writing down all my thoughts about this huge shift. I am about to leave the non-mom persona for the mom persona. After all these years of longing and waiting, I'm (Lord willing...that all goes through as planned) going to be a mother. I can't quite get that through my head. I remembered today how I questioned myself in February--do I want to be pregnant or do I want to be a mom? After a good hard look at my life, I realized it was motherhood and children I desired the most, whether that came through pregnancy or adoption.
And now....I'm almost there.
It's amazing how the Lord has walked us through this adoption process. I still am in shock at how quickly it all has gone. Wasn't it only the first of February that we began this process?!?

...which helps me keep this waiting in perspective. If the little man decides to stay in his comfortable birthmom's womb for three more weeks, our adoption process STILL has flown by.

Someone joked that they bet I jump every time the phone rings. You have no idea!! It rings and my heart pounds nearly out of my chest; but that's not as funny as my husband's response. His eyes bug out immediately. I need to get a picture of that look.
So, every night we place the phone and cell phones on the nightstand. We put everything in order so we can leave should the phone ring in the middle of the night. Then, when we get up, get all our shower/toiletries out of our bags, get ready for the day, and then put it all back "just in case". It's like planning for a vacation but not knowing when you'll leave.

I've rambled enough. But now you get an idea of what goes through my mind during these waiting days. I cannot wait for the moment when I look into the eyes of a darling little boy who will make all these years of infertility seem like a vapor. Lord, please haste the day.

I promise to update as soon as I know something certain.
XOXOX
glenna

::Getting Close::

2008-06-02T14:54:00.003-06:00

The baby will be here before too long!

Our social worker called this morning to give us an update. Without being specific, we have reason to believe our birthmom will have this baby before too much longer. Our social worker told us to get things packed; yeah....we've been packed for a week!

I'm tired and anxious and have been fighting headaches and nausea for the past week because of the stress and all the not-knowing. Don't worry....the nausea is NOT for any other reason--don't even ask! But, it's annoying enough that it prohibits me from doing everything I want to.

Anyway...sorry for the lack of updates. I've just felt like there's not been anything worth updating. But--now we're CLOSE!

Keep us all in your prayers!!

-glenna-

::First Baby Shower::

2008-05-24T20:26:00.001-06:00

I'm too tired to do a duplicate post; pictures take forever!!
Please visit my other blog to view pictures/details of our FIRST baby shower!!
www.williamandglenna.blogspot.com

Thanks!!!

XOXOX
glenna

::Great Day::

2008-05-19T20:05:00.004-06:00

It was almost exactly 5 months ago that we were headed down I-55 from St. Louis after a devastating doctor's appointment with an infertility specialist. I remember that night clearly...it seemed that with every mile that passed, another tear rolled down my face. What a hard night that was. There were tearful phonecalls to friends and family members who had prayed and wanted to know how our appointment went. I'll never forget how hard that trip home was. It seemed like our dreams of a family were so far out of our reach that we would never be parents like we so wanted to be.

Tonight we road down that same interstate road. What a strikingly different trip home it was. With excitement and overwhelming joy, we realized that our dreams were unfolding right before our eyes.Thank you to all of you (and I know there were MANY) who were praying for us today. Our meeting with the birthmother went SO well. I was immediately drawn to this woman. For privacy's sake, there is not a whole lot that I can post online here, but if you want to know more details, free to call or email. What I can tell you is that this gracious woman is unbelievably excited about giving us the gift of her son. She is so excited! Both she and the birthfather (who was unable to come) are both African-American, but they are okay with their sone being raised by a Caucasian couple, which is a relief to us. Of course, we have been open to transracial adoption from the beginning, so this is exciting for us. Having had several other children, she knows what it takes to raise a child. She said that she knew the first time she looked at our profile that WE are the couple she wants to raise her son. After meeting us, she was even more certain. She is very committed to her adoption plan thus far, and is so eager for us to become parents. She asked that we be in the delivery room with her when the baby is born!!! We are overwhelmed at her gracious attitude towards us. We could not have picked a more sincere and sweet person!

Her decision is final, at this point. So, all we do now is wait for the phone call to tell us that she is in labor. She expects for that to happen over the next two and a half weeks, she said. (!!!!) We were instructed by the social worker to keep a bag packed with several changes of clothes, and all the baby gear (um....what baby gear? We have none of that yet! Thankfully, our church shower is this Saturday!) Because the baby will actually be born in Illinois, there is something called an interstate compact agreement which will delay things, but that's okay. Ideally, we will be able to spend the night in the hospital while he is there. It is our birthmother's desire that we are there for the whole birth--she wants me to cut the umbilical cord!!--and for us to care for the baby in the hospital. We will get to do the feedings and everything! This is just overwhelming to me...I may never get to give birth or do all of these things myself, so when she said that she wants us to have as much of the birth experience as possible, it just blessed me SO much. Again...can you tell how gracious she is?!

She brought a gift for us.

In a musical frame that played a fun song was this:

She had also enclosed a sweet little card about us becoming parents. Really...could she BE any nicer?!?! :) It was all I could do not to cry!

I can't believe that I'm looking at a picture of "our" son!!! Now, I am a horrible sonogram reader and since this was taken late in her pregnancy, he's almost too big for the picture, but that is a profile shot of his head and his hand is up by his mouth. I keep looking at it and saying, "William, I can't see it! What am I looking at?!?!" It's funny. On the computer, I can see it much more clearly when I enlarge it. ;)

We will definitely keep you all updated! We are amazed at how the Lord is working out every single detail of this process. And how FAST it is going!!! It's too much to take in right now!! We are going to go ahead and pack a few items tonight "just in case," although I hope baby boy stays put for a little while longer. ;)

We praise God for His wonderful blessings in all of this. We ask for continued prayer. Nothing is final until the 72 hour revocation period immediately following the birth is over. It won't be until then that the baby is really "ours". We feel that our birthmom is REALLY committed to this, but you never know for certain until it's all overwith. So please pray for all of this process. Pray for a safe delivery for birthmom and baby boy.

Thanks again for praying and thinking of us. We are humbled by the love, grace, and faithfulness of the Lord.He has done great things!!!

XOXOX,

glenna

::oh yeah, sorry::

2008-05-15T17:28:00.002-06:00

Sorry I left you hanging.

At your instistence, I'll give a tiny update. There's really just not a ton to say at this point. Our meeting got moved from next Tuesday to Monday (as if it weren't quick enough already!!). I'm working like mad to get our scrapbook done so we can show it to them when we meet. They, according to our social worker, are very excited to meet us...which makes me less nervous. Actually, I'm not too terribly nervous. I'm looking forward to it. I mean, these folks could be the birthparents of MY future son!!! How could I not look forward to meeting them?!? The due date is somewhere around the end of June. That's not that far away!!

Our homestudy documents were sent in for approval today, so even though it's really only a formality, it's an important formality! ;)

Other than that...gosh, there's not a whole lot to say. Our first shower is on Saturday, May 24th. Our church is throwing a big bash for us and not just women are invited to it--it's churchwide: men, women, and kids. I'm REALLY looking forward to it! Our church has blessed us SO much through this process. I am truly indebted to this wonderful body of believers.
The next shower is in our hometown and takes place on June 5th.

Thanks so much for your comments and prayers! It means SO much to me to have so much support, and from people who don't even know me in real life! What a blessing!!

Be sure to look for an update Monday night. ;)

XOXOX,
glenna

::Incredible News::

2008-05-13T20:13:00.002-06:00

Today I had my last homestudy visit with our social worker (SW)--it was my individual interview. It went really well! I really think I would like seeing a therapist or something because today I got to talk about myself and my life while our SW listened and took notes!!! Ha!

Our SW said that she had shown our profile to a birthmother who really liked us (on paper)! This was great news! She is pretty far along in her pregnancy, but that was pretty much all we knew at that point.

After the SW left, I called William to update him on how things went. He was excited!! We thought our next step was to wait and see if the birthmother was further interested in our information.
So...it is a waiting game.

Then.......I got a call from our SW. She had heard from the birthmother. Both the birthmother AND birthfather want to meet us NEXT WEEK!!!!!!! The birthfather terminated his rights today, which shows they are pretty serious about their adoption plan.

And now....

(the best part)

It's

a

BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So...breathe, people!!!! Take a deep breath and continue rejoicing with us!! :)

What's next?

Well, we have to get our scrapbook done so we can take it with us when we meet the birthparents on MONDAY of next week. Then we just see how it goes. And take it from there.

This is really fast. I mean, REALLY fast. Now, none of it is set in stone, of course, but it's exciting nonetheless.

We SERIOUSLY covet your prayers in this. The Lord has answered so many prayers up to this point, so we want to cover the rest of it in prayer. Please, please, please remember these birthparents in your prayers. While this brings us incredible joy, it may bring them incredible pain. Having both of them involved is a wonderful thing on so many different levels. So again, please cover all of us: birthmother, birthfather, William, me, social worker, and BABY BOY in your prayers.

I'm off to take some Tylenol. My head is splitting from all the overwhelming emotions! I've cried buckets and laughed and screamed with joy. We are amazed at how the Lord is working this out.

With much joy,
-glenna-

::a Mother's Day to remember::

2008-05-11T15:41:00.004-06:00

For the past five years, Mother's Day has been a painful reminder of our infertility. As we waited and prayed, this holiday (while I was thankful for my mom!!) always struck a painful chord in my heart.

This year...it's different.

For the first time, this day did not bring any hurt with it. Instead, my heart was full of excitement about our upcoming adoption.

::

When I woke William up this morning to get ready for church, he surprised me with my first Mother's Day gift. He pulled out a Mother's Day card and a onesie that we had registered for. He wanted to acknowledge that I am a mom-to-be and to celebrate our "paper pregnancy" as many people refer to the adoption process. It will not surprise you that I was in tears in a matter of seconds!! As I clung to my dear husband's arms, tears of hope and thankfulness streamed down my face.

I am blessed beyond belief.

The onesie says "Party at my crib 2 a.m."

A glimpse of the nursery.

I spend a few minutes in this room every day, sitting in my rocker and praying for our baby, the birth mom, and us as future parents. It is SUCH a relief to have hope for our future.

My last homestudy meeting is on Tuesday. We submitted our profile on Friday; the social worker says it all looks good. She has a potential match for us!! We are super excited. All our friends and family are planning showers for us--it's SO strange being on the receiving end of all of this!! So far, there are 5 showers on the roster!! We are blessed.

I hope you are all hanging in there on this day that can be so difficult for those of us who are infertile or who have recurrent pregnancy loss. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

After my husband (who is the pastor) had all the moms stand while he prayed over them, the teenage son of a good friend of mine leaned over to his mom and said, "This is the last year Ms. Glenna won't get to stand during this time."
I LOVE that our church, family, and friends are so excited for us!!!

Personally, I can't say enough how blessed I feel--how markedly different this day feels for me than it has for the past few years. The Lord has been abundantly good to me...I do NOT deserve it.

XOXOX,
glenna

::adoption update::

2008-04-26T11:51:00.003-06:00

We had our first home study visit last Monday. It went really well! It was uncomplicated and laid back. We simply chatted over coffee with the social worker. We ran through a lot of the questions we'd already answered on paper but needed to discuss together. We discussed some financial options, our openness questionnaire, and our infertility history. Our social worker wanted to go ahead and do the home tour (Eek!!) but the house was clean and nice, so it was fine. I'm kind of a neat freak at times, so I wasn't fully prepared for her to do her walk-through, but it was fine. I had cleaned, but those of you who know me well know that I'd have overdone it if I'd known for certain that she was doing her walk-through today! She mostly checked things like square footage, smoke alarms, exit plans in case of emergency, etc. It was no big deal. She liked the nursery, which is coming right along.

Our next step involves two more home visits which are individual interviews. William's individual interview is Wednesday, May 7, and mine is Tuesday, May 13. Between now and then, we have a reading list that our social worker provided. She complimented me on my organization and the speed at which we got our paperwork completed. Keeping that in mind, she said with a smile, "You'll have no problem getting the reading done; you both seem like overachievers to me!" She has us pegged. :-)

I found one of the books on the required reading list at Bar.nes & No.ble, Raising Adopted Children, by Lois Ruskai Melina. I haven't started it yet, but I will soon.

Yesterday our social worker called. She said that we need to start getting our profile together (the info about us with pictures--kind of like an advertisement that is shown to birthparents who are trying to choose adoptive parents for their child). She said that she had some "possibilities" that she'd like to show our profile to soon!! WOW!!! Now, technically, she can't show our profile until our homestudy is completed and approved. But, if we can get it put together and sent to her to look over during the next week or so, she can help us edit and then get a final copy ready so that as SOON as our homestudy is approved (Lord willing) she can start showing our profile. Listen up, people! This could go FAST! (Here's hoping, anyway!)

So, that's where we are at this point. We're excited!

XOXOX
glenna

::4 years::

2008-04-17T19:22:00.003-06:00

One year ago I wrote this:
It was April 19th, 2004.
We made a decision that we thought would quickly alter our lives. We decided that one purpose of marriage was to grow our little family of two. And so we began "trying", as everyone does. Being the researcher of the family, I did my homework and was soon immersed into a world of thermometers, BBT charts, ovulation prediction tests, and fertility websites. I thought, "6 months at the most--we'll definitely be pregnant by October." October came and went. So did November, December, January, February, and March. And then it was April again. And so, as all the books told me, after 1 year of unsuccessful trying, we were now labeled "infertile." Armed with a year's worth of monthly charts, I went to the doctor as soon as we hit the one year mark. A round of routine bloodwork revealed no immediate problems, so other tests were ordered. And reordered, after the results were poor. And again, the results were dismal. After saying that the chances of me ever conceiving "on my own" were slim to none, my doctor recommended a specialist in Memphis.
It was a cruel blow, I remember. I had walked into my doctor's office expecting to be handed a prescription that would fix all our problems. The diagnosis of infertility that required special doctor-assisted reproductive therapy....that was not what I had expected. Almost as soon as I got to the parking lot of the doctor's office, I burst into tears. And I sobbed and sobbed all the way to our house where my husband was packing our bags for our vacation (we were leaving in a matter of hours). It was hard timing. We grieved. Oh, how we grieved.
But we went on our trip, and the further we got from Jackson, Tennessee, the further away, it seemed, was our infertility. We returned with broken hearts, though, and packed up our house as we were moving in 4 days to Missouri where my husband would be taking a new pastorate.
So we packed.
And I pushed my heartache down into the deepest moving box I could find, with all my other belongings. It resurfaced when I unpacked in the house in my new town. And from then on, another year passed where I sought to shove away my sorrow while it was ever trying to resurface amidst other battles of ministry and the newness of our life in Missouri.
When we hit two years, we decided it was time to try the doctors again. I found a physician I loved, and had her take a look at our troubles. She ordered all kinds of tests (many were repeats). She even tried an invasive procedure that we were sure would help our chances of achieving the dream we ached for. The procedure gave some good news, but did not (obviously) bring our dream to life. Another round of repeat tests showed that our diagnosis was the same. We, again, were devastated. And my doctor who I had had so much faith in said there was no more she could do....we'd have to go to a specialist in St. Louis. And that was eight months ago (presently, 20 months ago). I've been holding on to that referral for eight months, but have been unable to pick up the phone to make an appointment. My heart won't let me go there.
And while my dear husband and I sit and grieve over a dream that may never come to life, we wonder what we should do. Should we pursue treatment? Should we give up on conceiving altogether? Should we adopt? Should we simply wait and pray? Do we limit our faith to "slim to none"?
We don't know what to do. Three years, while but a breath to some of you, have taken their toll on our hope. Funny thing, hope. You can squelch it down, but it returns at the oddest times. When your heart physically aches as you watch a young family pushing their stroller, when you can't breathe as your friends announce their pregnancy (or possibly their second or third), when sleep eludes you because your mind races with the possibilities of "never" and "how will we cope?".....hope surprises you. It sneaks up on you. Even when you don't want it to.
I have no idea what this fourth year will bring. I can't imagine it being any different than the last three have been. And yet, with all of our heart, we YEARN for it to be different. We ACHE to see our dream in person, wiggling and cooing, before our eyes. But because we sometimes seek to preserve our sanity, we have to limit how much we allow ourselves to hope. We ask that YOU not give up on us, though. Please do not let your hope for us run out. We need your hope to lean on. Please pray for wisdom for us. Pray for hope. Pray that God would bless us with children. But, pray that He would be glorified no matter what. In all of this, it is by grace that I can always say that God is good. Our life is but a breath; to Him be glory and honor forever and ever. Amen.

You know what the 4th year has encompassed if you've read the last 12 months of posts. I'm glad to be turning over the new leaf of adoption. It's hard to grasp that it has actually been 4 years and that we are beginning our 5th year of trying to conceive our first baby. That....astounds me. But, again, I say that God is faithful, even in His not giving us children....or maybe I should say especially in His not giving us children. I will never claim to understand the mind of the Lord, but I know that His Word proclaims His goodness and even in personal tragedy, I can see Him to be so.

It's funny to see how in the last few months our attitude towards trying to conceive has changed. The desire is still there, ever strong, to have a baby biologically. The grief is even still there--it resurfaces and rears its ugly head about once a month--but it has been largely eclipsed by the hope of opening our home and hearts to a child who may not share our DNA but will share in our name and love.

I pray this 5th year is the year I am called by the dear name of "Mother." But, more than that, may Christ be magnified in my life.

XOXOX,
-glenna-

::busy::

2008-04-15T18:52:00.003-06:00

I'm really busy with work, redecorating stuff at home, and our adoption process.

Our first home study visit is this MONDAY, April 21st @ 4:00 p.m. Keep us in your prayers!!
I'll update sometime after our home study is done (either our first one or after all three are done).

XOXOX,
glenna

::oh, humility::

2008-04-01T16:45:00.005-06:00

(Where did you go?)

Just when I think I've gotten this thing figured out, the end of a 40 day cycle finally comes and crushes any hopes I had of pregnancy. It wasn't so bad in all honesty, but it certainly was a dose of much needed humility that reminded me that I've not progressed as much as I boasted.

There are reasons to be thankful that God has worked out grace in my heart, though, and evidence that He has done so. Case in point, my close friend who has a darling three month old baby boy and who is now pregnant again. While I yearn to have one miracle like she has, I am really happy for her. Truly. She has had her own battle with endometriosis, so I'm thrilled that it is not impairing her ability to conceive this time around. It's still that balance of bitter and sweet, honestly. I guess it will always be that way, yes? I'm okay with that. On one hand, I swallow a bitter pill when I hear pregnancy announcements. On the other hand, the Lord has cultivated this tiny seedling of joy in my heart that grows every slowly and blooms every once in a great while with true rejoicing for a friend. I recognize that this is only of the Lord, so I must repent of my former boasting. Any progress is a gift of God.

Thanks to all of you who have emailed me recently. I'm sorry if it takes a while to get back to you; I want to provide thoughtful answers to your questions. I appreciate you reading my blog and for feeling like we connect on some level. My writing is for carthartic purposes, of course, but I also want to identify with women out there who are struggling through infertility alone. It can indeed be a lonely place when you don't know anyone "in real life" who is going through the same thing. I feel honored that you would reach out to me.
::
In other news, adoption stuff keeps moving on. We are held up a bit waiting for background checks to come back--not because we have questionable character, but because these things just take time. When those checks come back, the first homevisit will be scheduled. We got our TB and HIV tests done today, but have to wait on those results as well. Thursday we get our health screenings and drug tests. I'm starting to feel like a criminal.

Something that's fun is the STUFF. I've never had baby stuff in my house. Now, as you've seen from a former post, I've got a crib and a changing table in my house--in a room we now call "the nursery," no less! I've ordered a glider/ottoman set, I've got a stack of books coming in the mail, and I'm currently reading a book on infant toilet training (it's not what you think). This is SUCH a change of pace for me. Parenting and baby books? Weird. My mother-in-law sent this:

And now there's all this STUFF in my house for this tiny little person we don't know yet. I know it's okay to prepare, but it still feels strange for this long-time IF girl to be getting ready for the coming of the much-longed-for baby.

I'm not sure how I feel about it all. It's a mixture of emotions.

Will keep you posted...
XOXOX,
glenna

::progress::

2008-03-28T20:45:00.004-06:00

So, here is what I have accomplished this week (thankfully I have been on spring break!):

Completed 48 essay questions (I deserve a medal!)
Acquired copies of marriage & birth certificates, 1040's for the past two years, & physician's recommendation
Had insurance affidavit signed
Finished openness questionnaire
Filled out numerous medical and family history forms
Filled out financial forms & budget sheet
Mailed criminal background check
Had fingerprinting done (no ink! digital scans--very cool! very CSI-ish)
Signed I don't know how many forms about fees, procedures, rights & grievances

Still left to do:

My husband has to finish his essay questions; he's about 2/3 of the way through
Get health screenings for TB, HIV, and drugs
Get guardian statement notarized

When my husband's essay questions are done, I can email them to the social worker this weekend and we'll schedule our first home visit for NEXT WEEK!!!

I can't believe how much we've gotten done this week; our first homestudy visit is so soon! I'm really excited that we're moving through this so fast. We'll get our health screenings next week, so I'm glad that won't hold up our visit. Gosh, I'm just SO excited! (I said that already, didn't I?)

Last night we visited some folks in the hospital who had just had a baby. For the first time in 4 years, I held a teeny tiny newborn without one single regret. My heart didn't hurt at all.

And that, my friends, is what they call.....PROGRESS!

XOXOX

glenna

::drowning in paperwork::

2008-03-25T08:04:00.003-06:00

Hi friends.

I am TIRED of the paperwork already! I stopped after two straight hours of writing yesterday.

My husband took this picture when I was on essay question 20 of 48!! I ended up quitting for the day because my husband was working on something in the "nursery." I feel a little silly for having this already, but it has encouraged me so much to have something tangible to remind me that this IS happening!

I can't BELIEVE I have baby furniture in the "nursery" upstairs!! I've still got to order my glider, and I can't wait for it to get here so I can sit in it while I pray for the little one who will occupy that room. (The walls will eventually be painted green.)

Our background checks have been mailed, our fingerprinting appointment is set for Thursday, I'm waiting for the doctor's office to call for appointments for our physical exams, and I'm working my way through the paperwork.

As soon as the paperwork is completed, we'll move on to the homestudy visits, which should move pretty fast.

I'm sorry I've been lax about updating. I'm currently on spring break, so I'm immersing myself in my essay questions. Hopefully it will be done by the end of the week. You wouldn't believe what they ask you! I know they want to be thorough, but...good grief!

Anyway...that's what is going on in my world right now. I've been doing MUCH better in regard to infertility. Hope and excitement about our adoption is filling me to overflowing.

XOXOX,

glenna

what can I say?

2008-03-15T19:36:00.007-06:00

I'm still pulling myself out of a fog. Sometimes it is glaringly obvious that God is showing me He is faithful. The rest of the time I merely shut my eyes to His apparent goodness.

Things with adoption are going well...quickly, even. Our first homestudy visit (1 of 3) is tentatively scheduled for March 26th. That was a lot quicker than I was expecting, but I will most definitely take it. I have a lot to do to get the house in order, although I doubt our S.W. will take her walk through on the very first visit. Our guest room is in shambles since we've been giving it a much needed face lift. The walls are painted and the crown molding is back up (as of today), but I cannot say the same for the chair rail and baseboards that are laying across the coverless bed. The carpet is going to be ripped up as well to expose the hardwood beneath...and well, I can't imagine getting all of that done in addition to a thorough cleaning of the house before the meeting! Oh well. We'll just do what we can do.

I'm almost embarrassed to say that we went shopping for baby furniture last night! We ate dinner out and talked about our first purchase for "our" baby....it was exciting to finally be making this step. My parents sent a check to furnish the nursery (they are the greatest parents ever) so we were eager to go ahead and buy what we've been eyeing for a while. I still feel like a kid sneaking into the candy shop when we visit the baby aisles. We have nothing to show for being there--no registry in our hand that would signify shopping for someone else, no pregnant belly stating the obvious, no infant in our arms to show we really deserve to be there. It's still a bit strange.

Unfortunately, "out of stock" are my new least favorite words. Apparently what we chose is very hard to find, so we came home with nothing after shopping. I was disappointed. I had been looking forward to putting the furniture together and finally having something tangible to remind me that we are going to become parents. When I'm discouraged, as I've been lately, I'd like to run my hand over the rails of the crib and hope for the child who will one day sleep there. I want to sit in the glider and imagine what it would be like to rock our baby in the wee hours of the morning. But, that will come. I'm sure we'll find a store that is actually carrying what we want, and we'll get it home and set up long before the baby comes home. I've just been a little short on patience for the last 4 years.

Things are going, moving, propelling us toward the day that we long for. It's hard to believe we are actually going through with this. It feels like it's going by quickly...while at the same time not happening fast enough. I am still struggling with pregnancies and baby bellies and showers and all the like, but I'm trying to hang on to what I know: God's plan is good. I may not "get it" all the time, but I can believe it because His Word says it's true.

Happy weekend.

XOXOX,
glenna

the baby blues (of the infertility variety)

2008-03-06T21:24:00.007-06:00

I am very excited about our adoption. You all know that. At times my enthusiasm could benefit from a little suppression. But, for some reason, the baby blues still continue. Perhaps it's simply because, although we are expecting to bring a baby home through adoption, we still don't have a child yet.

Babies and pregnancies still send a pang of sadness through my being. I...still hurt. I think for a few weeks, I was leaning on the thrill of our plans to adopt. The hope of actually becoming a mother was enough to bring a smile to my lips. But, as reality has settled in I find myself chafing under the process of paperwork and screening and waiting. I go back and forth between the emotions of longing to bear a child and yet, I have become inexplicably attached to this--someone--whom we may bring home through adoption. In a sequential sense, adoption was our "Plan B," I guess. Not that we think one way of bringing a baby into the family is better than the other. We had always planned to adopt. I just thought one way would follow the other.

The other day I listened to this sermon by John Piper on adoption. I made the mistake of listening to it in parts while getting ready for work in the mornings. Try putting on eye makeup and listening to the beautiful way that adoption models the gospel!! I kept having to reapply. Piper encouraged me to see adoption not as inferior to biologically adding to one's family...it's just different. I know that. It's just good to hear it from a person who has done it both ways.

I know that adoption doesn't "fix" our infertility and that our adopted child is in no way a mere substitution for a biological child. The child we adopt will be the child that God chose before the foundations of the world to be ours to raise. Let that sink in. I have to stop myself and make statements like that so that I don't lose perspective. Oh, perspective, what a necessary friend you are. When I can step back and take a good, hard look at my life, I can see a beauty in what God has planned. In His wounding us with infertility, He has done the thing that HAS to bring Him the most glory, the thing that is best for US. And, I believe that He wounds that He might bring blessed healing.

It's in the little moments of pregnancy announcements and baby showers and unintentional painful references to our "free time" because we don't have children that I begin to doubt that any of this can be good.

And then, last night, I dreamt that I was holding our adopted baby. I was sad to wake up and find him to be only the substance of a deep sleep. Love doesn't come just because a baby is born of your body. Love is present because God--Who IS Love--graciously gives it to us.

A rambling post...but I was told I needed to update more regularly (Al!), so I thought I'd let you know what's going on in my mind today.

XOXOX,
glenna

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::
We are in the midst of our paperwork. Conveniently, it is all done online which expedites the process. I'm not sure how much there is to do, but we are working our way through it.

::first meeting::

2008-03-02T16:36:00.006-06:00

(This is a duplicate post from our family blog. To skip down to new content, scroll down.)

We met our social worker for the first time on Friday (our previous meeting got snowed out) and got our required informational meeting out of the way. Normally, our info meeting would take place at the agency or another public place with lots of other potentially adoptive parents, but since our social worker lives near us, she decided to come to our house to give us a one-on-one presentation. Let me tell you, I could not have hand-picked a better person to work with through this adoption process!! She has the perfect temperament for her job--soft spoken, organized, gentle, genuine, encouraging, straightforward...she has a de-stressing personality, which is SO great for walking with us through our adoption process. And, she's a believer (which is not a surprise since our agency is a "Christian" agency, but still it is a blessing to have a genuine believer to work with!).

We walked through the process and we got to ask all of our questions. She gave us loads of info without "overloading" us, if that makes sense. Instead of feeling overwhelmed about it all, we just feel...ready! And excited!! She will be mailing our formal paperwork in the next couple of days, and then we'll begin filling it out. She said she could get our homestudy done in three visits, and she likes to do them all pretty closely together and to get them out of the way. She has a very "on top of things" demeanor about her. Nothing has lapsed in our process thus far, and I have a feeling nothing will in the future. The night before, I was cleaning the house like a fiend and baking cookies at 10pm! William laughed at me and said, "you made cookies for our meeting?!" I said, "Well, this lady is going to give us a baby!! The least I can do is serve cookies and coffee!"

Some things we found out about that we really didn't know about: tax credit. Well, we knew we'd get one next year when we file our taxes (assuming that our adoption takes place this year), but we didn't know it could be such a large number! That will go straight into the bank for our next adoption. Then our state government will give us a subsidy since we are doing the minority infant program. They'll reimburse us for a good bit of the legal fees. Craziness! Who knew the Missouri state government was so generous toward adoptive families??

There was lots of other information, but basically our next step is paperwork and then our homestudy which should happen in the foreseeable future. We were so encouraged by all of it. Several people have said to me, "Well, now you're 'paper pregnant!' " I guess in some ways it IS like waiting for our baby through pregnancy--we know we're going to end up with a child (Lord willing), but we do have to wait and prepare. I'm just hoping we don't have to wait 9 full months. :-)Thanks to those of you who were praying for us on Friday!! We're excited about how it's all going. We'll update on our process later as we get more into our paperwork and move on towards our homestudy. We are also encouraged that the Lord is providing exactly what we need when we need it, financially speaking. His grace is truly sufficient, and has been shown to us in the most unexpected ways.

:: (End of duplicate post) ::

What does it feel like to be here in this point of our process?

I've received several supportive emails from readers who are at the same point or just past where I am. I've also been emailing back and forth with some friends who are already mothers through adoption. It has been wonderful to connect with others so I can interrogate them! :-) (You think I'm joking, but they can vouch for me!) Sometimes I stop and think, "What in the world am I doing?" I don't know how to be a mom! I've spent the past four years trying to get pregnant and though my husband and I have talked at length about how we want to parent, the thoughts of actually preparing bottles for midnight feedings and diaper changes, for shaping the worldview of a little person, for teaching my child the gospel from the start, for playing and enjoying my little one, for enduring crying fits that I can't stop, for disciplining when they get a little older...all these things are as jumbled together in my mind as they are on this page. I've been so obsessed with becoming a mother that I've thought little about what kind of mother I'll actually be!

I guess that when trying to conceive was our main objective, I felt I never needed to think about this until I saw two pink lines. I've still never seen those two precious pink lines, but there is another beautiful option in front of me which will allow me to be what I long to be. So, now is the time to think about that person. What will I look like as a mother? Biblical, is what I long for that answer to be. Proverbs 31-ish, if you will.

I know my primary reading audience is still struggling through infertility. I'm still there with you. The tears still well up when one cycle ends and another begins. My heart still is pierced when I see pregnant bellies. I can't change that deep desire of my heart. In one sense I feel compelled to forget what is behind and press on to what is before us--and I do so with much excitement, but sometimes I wonder if I will ever let go of the desire to bear a child.

This won't turn into a blog about motherhood. It will still be a place for me to wrestle with my emotions and to affirm that you are not alone in your circumstances. God is good in His plans. I cannot attest to this fact enough.

Sorry for such a lapse between updates.

-glenna-

Getting Started

2008-02-09T10:18:00.000-06:00

I filled out our adoption pre-application yesterday! We have decided on our agency, and we are thrilled to find that Bethany has opened an office a mere 30 minutes from our house as opposed to the 2 hours we had expected to drive.

In addition to that, we were told by our church that they wanted to collect money on a weekly basis to put into an adoption fund for us...until it is PAID OFF!!!!!!!! We were floored by this announcement! I can't begin to explain how overwhelmed we are by this gift, this $20,000 gift! I had wondered where the money was going to come from, but every time I prayed about it, I really felt that God would provide. How He has answered our prayer!! I still can't quite verbalize how blessed we feel, and in fact are. As a pastor and his wife, this means more to us than we can express.

So, what's next?

Well, we have a meeting with the social worker next week. She will give us a presentation with all of the information about the agency, and she will take our pre-application. Then, we wait for approval, which I am hoping won't take long. Then we get into the formal application which is much longer and very detailed, with essay questions! (cracks knuckles) I'm ready! Let's put this English/Creative Writing degree to work! :)

I'll update as we move through the paperwork and into our homestudy.

As far as the emotional response of switching gears to adoption from trying to conceive, it has been....fine. I mean, the stress relief has been wonderful. I haven't worried about timing, temping, counting days, worring about caffiene intake, or anything. That's not to say that we will not try to get pregnant anymore. I think we always will. But, the pressure of making the most of every month seems to have left the forefront of my mind. I'm excited about adoption, really! Once we have stepped forward, I doubt we will look back with regret. I had to come to a point where I asked myself, "Do you want to be pregnant or do you want to be a mother?" You know what my answer is. And through adoption, I can be a mom and my sweet husband can be the great father I know he will be. I am thankful that God has given us grace sufficient to handle the blow of infertility, and that He is blessing us with the grace to move forward with adoption. He is faithful!!

XOXOXO,
-glenna-

Encouragement from E. Prentiss

2008-02-05T16:47:00.000-06:00

I read this today in a most beloved book, Stepping Heavenward, by Elizabeth Prentiss (who authored the hymn "More Love to Thee"). I read this book every year, and today some of the truth woven into the story was especially comforting.

"What [God's] methods will be with you I cannot foretell. But you may be sure that He never works in an arbitrary way. He has a reason for everything He does. You may not understand why He leads you now in this way and now in that, but you may, nay, you must believe that perfection is stamped on His every act." (p. 86)

If you've never read this book before, I highly recommend it. It was given to me by the dean of my college several years ago when I worked for her. It is a MUST read for the woman longing to pursue holiness with all her heart.

XOXOXOXO,
-glenna-

:: Explanation ::

2008-01-30T22:02:00.000-06:00

I don't know if I'm ready to get in to all of this, but I feel like it's time to give you a real update on our appointment last week. Every time I have thought about writing it out, I have chickened out because I know it will take a while to sort out my thoughts, to say only what is necessary, to say enough without saying too much.

Let me see if I can do this in bullet form. That may be easier to read.

Before going into our appointment, we sat in the car and prayed that God would give us clear direction about our options. We prayed that there would be an option that we would pursue, but if there wasn't, that we'd know what to do. It was good to go into that appointment knowing that we had set boundaries and that one way or another, we'd soon know what our next step would be in growing our family.
After reviewing our medical records from our past doctors and tests, Dr. W. felt that our only option for conceiving was through ICSI. Click here for a short definition of this procedure. After he explained his reasoning, we knew he was probably right on his prognosis. "Can you get pregnant?" he asked. "Yes, with ICSI. Can you get pregnant without ICSI? You have probably one shot of pregnancy in 15-20 years of trying." I promise those were his words. It was really hard to hear that, to hear someone tell us that it is unlikely that we conceive without ART. From this point on, I listened with what I hope was a neutral look on my face all the while telling myself "Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry." When we were safely outside of the clinic, I immediately burst into tears. I just knew that ICSI wasn't for us, although we weren't going to make any decisions right off the bat. I could tell, though, that William was feeling the same way.
We drove around St. Louis and talked. (I cried a lot.)
We ate dinner at St. Louis Bread Co. (I tried hard not to cry a lot.)
We drove home hand in hand, in a silence only interrupted by my sniffling. (I cried A LOT.)
When we arrived home, we embraced and both wept. It was a hard night. We didn't have to say much to know what was coming. The unrest in both of our hearts was enough to know that we didn't want to pursue ICSI.
Now that a week as gone by, we have spent many hours talking about our options--both of them: ICSI or adoption. After praying and talking, talking and praying, we have decided to pursue adoption.
I know that there are many ethical ways of handling ICSI. Please don't think that I would criticize any of you who have utilized or are considering ICSI. We just decided that with all of the drugs I would have to take, with the actual science of it that we're a bit uncertain about, and the $10,000 price tag that it just wasn't the best decision for us. This is not to say that we wouldn't consider it in the future. Who knows what advances may be made in the next couple of years? We have many child-bearing years left, so there are still options in the future for us, Lord willing. But, for now, we are laying that to rest.
There is something so freeing in ceasing our pursuit of infertility treatment. Though we will still pray for natural children--because we serve Christ, who can raise the dead! With Him all things are possible!--it is such a release to let go of charts and temperatures, obsessing about timing and symptoms, and living my life in two week increments. Though I grieve the death of a dream in many ways, I can't tell you what a relief it is to move on. I didn't think I would be reacting this way, so I know that this peace is a gift of God.
After all of this happened, we received news of Amber's death (see previous post). Amber was a friend who had encouraged me greatly in my sadness and grief of infertility. She too had walked this road. Knowing that adoption was in my heart, Amber encouraged me in that area, as well. I have looked back over her emails from last year and can see how God is using her even now to nudge me down the road of adoption. Her death gave both William and me a sense of urgency. Not even knowing how many days she had with her sweet children (both of whom are adopted), she was a wonderful wife and mother. I know she loved her children immensely. That has given me courage to walk the road of adoption. I can't explain it, but I am thankful for the passion to pursue adoption. I know that the Father of Lights has put that in our hearts for a purpose.
Speaking of our Lord, I am so very thankful for the peace that is ruling my heart. I expected to be a disaster after all of this. I expected to wallow in grief at the prospect of being told we'll probably never conceive. And, don't get me wrong--I did grieve. I still do. I will continue to do so at times. BUT--He is FAITHFUL! Christ has given me hope in HIM, not in children or pregnancy. He is using infertility for GOOD in my life. I cannot explain it--it can only be a miracle--He has given me the ability to praise Him for His "no" to our prayers for natural conception. He has given and He has taken away, and He is blessed! My heart simply overflows with love and affection for our Savior who has carried my sorrows and my grief. I do now know how I would walk this road without Him. His grace astounds me.
So, what's next? Well, we are trying to decide on which agency we will use. We have narrowed down our options and are making our final decision soon. We decided on the domestic infant program, which means that Lord willing, we will be adopting an infant with the U.S. We love the idea of international adoption, but we feel for our first adoption that we will pursue domestic.
What happens to this blog? Nothing. I will keep on writing because this is my infertility blog, and I am still infertile! :) The venue may change as adoption becomes less an idea and more of a reality, but I will still keep up this site and write. I have had too many people email and comment about how they need a kindred spirit inside of the infertility world. I know infertility can be a lonely place. For now, I will not go away. :)

Thank you for commenting and praying. While it may seem that our journey towards growing our family biologically is over, it's not. We do know that God can do anything. We will still pray for that. But, we also believe that He has adoption in His plans for us. We pray that by His grace and mercy He will bless us with the child that we so desire and yearn to love--the child who needs us to be his or her parents.

Any questions? I'd be glad to address them. If they are more personal (in regards to our appt.) please email me at glennadmarshallAThotmailDOTcom.

Blessings. The Lord is good--trust in Him!!

-glenna-

O Love that will not let me go,

I rest my weary soul in Thee.

I give Thee back the life I owe,

That in Thine ocean depths its flow

May richer, fuller be!!

Perspective

2008-01-25T23:48:00.000-06:00

In another post I will address the specifics of our doctor's appointment. The death of a friend has largely overshadowed our grief. And yet....has also spurred us on to live the time that we have for the glory of God. Strangely, two unrelated events: Amber's death and the grief of possibly never conceiving...these two things coupled together have put our hearts in a place of peace and grace even though we grieve. Can these things be possible at the same time? Grief and joy? Suffering and rejoicing? I believe so.

As Amber said to me in an email a couple of months ago:
I believe He will make your path clear to you in His time. I know you believe that too. Isn't it solid rest to trust in a living God who loves His children so perfectly?

Just a short post to let you know that we are okay. I know from your emails and calls that our friends and family have worried for us. We have wept and mourned, and...praised the Lord. He gives and takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.

Father,
We step out in faith. We entrust ourselves to You--You who hold the stars in place and sing over Your children. You, who hurt when we hurt, who catch our tears and bottle them. We trust that Your "no" is Your most excellent way. Thank You for encircling us in Your love.
Your grace is still enough.

-glenna-

I'm ready for this day to be over.

2008-01-23T21:00:00.001-06:00

I can't really go into it now, but our appointment did not produce good results or options.

We are extremely discouraged.

More to come later.

God is still God, and He does ALL things well.

-glenna-

Is it really tomorrow?

2008-01-22T15:24:00.000-06:00

The past two months have sped by at an alarming rate.

Tomorrow is the day of our appointment with Dr. W. I can't tell if I'm nervous or excited or what. I feel a little numb, actually. When I stop and think about it, I'm shocked that we are going to an infertility specialist. Someone who specializes in people who can't get pregnant. We aren't that infertile, are we? The past four years beg to differ.
Before getting ready to leave this afternoon to run some errands, I took one last glimpse of myself in the mirror to tame down my hair and I had the thought, "I don't look infertile." As if looks have anything to do with it. I laughed at my silly thought. "I look like someone who wants to be a mom," I concluded.

Maybe one day I will be.

We ask for prayer for much wisdom tomorrow. Safe travels, too. Distance is not the thing I'm most happy about. Pray that whatever the outcome of our visit, whatever options are presented, whatever the next step seems to be, pray that Christ will be glorified in our lives. And that our hearts would be content with that alone.

I will update later this week.

XOXOXO,
-glenna-

Empty Arms

2008-01-12T17:17:00.001-06:00

One of my readers posted the link to this beautiful video in my last post's comment section. I think it aptly portrays those who have been through multiple years of infertility. I have posted it in the past, but it has been a while, and I find it to be worth re-posting. It might be a good link to send to friends or family who might be having a hard time understanding your struggles. Think of it as a way to share your burden with others who might not understand but who want to support you.

There is once section I really struggle with in the video. It is the part about not attending events that are hard reminders of our infertility, things like baby showers, dedications, etc. I have turned down invitations to these events in the past because it was just too painful to attend. I would definitely understand someone doing that because I have done it a few times. But, where the video (and many others, myself included) called it "self-preseveration," not to be confused with selfishness, I wonder if self-preservation is the godly response of believers who are infertile. I mean, what is the right response? I feel that God has used the past 4 years to teach me to truly rejoice with others instead of withdrawing as I would like to do when I see them living out my dream of parenthood. I lived for FAR too long in selfishness but justified it by calling it "self-preservation". It threatened my relationship with Christ, my marriage, my friendships. It was something I had to be rescued from because I was drowning in it. Praise God for He pulled from a depth of selfish despair I do not care to revisit ever again.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this, especially those of you who are professing Christians who are also dealing with infertility. What has been your experience? What do you feel God expects of us?

(Eleven days until my appointment at the Infertiliy & IVF Clinic.)

x0x0x0,
-glenna-

Where is the Line?

2008-01-04T21:58:00.001-06:00

Where is the line between too much hope and not enough?

We did something stupid. It was about 2 weeks before Christmas, and it was about that time of the month where hope insiduously creeps in whether you want it there or not. You begin to question every twinge, every jumpy feeling in your stomach while praying with all of your heart that it is beginning of the coveted morning sickness. (Yes, IF women desire to throw up. I can't explain it.) You lay awake at night wondering if, after all this time, this is IT. Back and forth you go, hoping and doubting. Hoping against hope, doubting because history has made it seem so impossible. We wondered, we hoped. And, unwisely, we let ourselves go there.

You know the where that I'm referring to, fellow IF readers. The happy land of "What Will it Be Like?". We talked about how perfect it would be to tell our families over Christmas if we found out in the next day or two that we were pregnant. We considered with glee the stomach upsets I'd had all week. Then we did the unthinkable:

We strolled through the baby department at Target.

Wow, that was dumb. Really, really dumb. You'd think after nearly four years of infertility we'd know better. I reserve that action solely for the absolutely-can't-skip-it-because-I'm-the-pastor's-wife-and-must-be-at-this-baby-shower-shopping. But, we were dreaming, flying high on the slim possibility that my week-long nausea was due to a miracle.

We really enjoyed dreaming, I have to admit. Really enjoyed it. But, inevitably, reality came crashing in...despair waltzed in and sat down where hope had formally been trying to taking root. It was SO hard. I wept endlessly. Of course it hurt more because we had hoped more. It was nearly too much to take. I remember saying something to my husband about having "stupid hope" and "I'll never do that again." He wisely told me to keep on hoping. We hope because it IS possible because we serve a God who is not bound by crappy statistics. He is so ABLE. I know this, of course. I needed to be reminded again.

But where, I wonder, do I draw the line between hoping just enough to get by, not losing hope altogether and then hoping so much that the devastation each month is too much to take? I think I learned from last month that hoping that much was too much for me. Hoping so much that I feel free to touch and feel the softness of the baby blankets at Target is apparently too much for me to handle. But, no hope at all makes my heart feel dried up and numb. No hope at all makes me feel like I don't believe in the power of a sovereign God anymore.

Too much? Too little? All I know is that "hope deferred makes the heart sick." That is certainly the truth.

Christmas came on the heels of our deep disappointment. It helped to be distracted. Sort of. There was a moment where we were gathered with extended family. Sitting on the floor in front of me was a gaggle of little girls, age 2 and under, playing with their dolls. I watched them play until tears stung my eyes and that familiar knot clogged my throat. I felt the eyes of a relative on me and I thought, she feels sorry for me. I looked away and had to ignore the little girls for the rest of the day. The empty ache in my heart felt like a canyon, echoing deep and wide.

Infertility is such a time game. Give myself a couple of weeks and hope claws its way back up the steep walls of that deep canyon. Whether I want it there or not. A couple of weeks after that and despair will come rolling in right on schedule. I am tired of living my life in 2-3 week increments. Sometimes I think, I am ready to move past this. No more hoping for children for me. It's just too hard. And yet, even as I type that, my heart cries out against it. For me, infertility truly is hope and despair mingled together. For even when one tries to push the other out, they are always there, co-mingling, existing together. I can't imagine my life any other way.

But, oh how I long for it. Lord, please hear my cry.

one giant step forward

2007-11-28T12:01:00.000-06:00

We have an appointment with an infertility specialist in St. Louis on January 23.

I'm fully at peace with this decision. However, if our options are not what we would like them to be, then we will shift gears and move on with adoption paperwork and the homestudy. Either way, 2008 could be a big year for us, Lord willing.

As we research our options and get ready for our consultation, I may put up some posts here explaining different forms of assisted reproductive therapies. As I learn, I'll share the knowledge. ;)

But for now, I'm going to enjoy the Christmas holidays. That, and cover all of this in much prayer.

Love,
Glenna

Taking a Break

2007-11-12T16:32:00.000-06:00

I have made an executive decision to take a break over the holidays. I can't imagine taking a real break, but in relation to this blog and to paying attention to details, I think I may take a few steps back. Focusing on all of this is hard on a day to day basis, but it is highlighted especially over the holidays when we see family and friends, when we see how other friends' children have grown, when we have to explain why we haven't pursued adoption or more in-depth fertility treatments when we've planned to do so in the past......and given that this is our fourth time through the holidays while trying to conceive, all of this becomes harder and harder each year. During the holidays we see people we haven't seen since last Christmas, and there is always the inevitable question "so, how are things with trying to get pregnant?" As if I want to discuss that over Christmas dinner!!

So, in honor of taking a break, I get to honestly tell people "I don't know. So, how are YOU doing?" when I get the "how's the baby thing going?" question.

We are hoping to get an appointment with an RE in St. Louis in January (or thereabout). That's all I can tell you, especially since I haven't actually picked up the phone and called said RE. But, maybe that will take some pressure off of our current au natural cycles, and I guess I can add that to my answer to the inevitable baby question.

Does anyone ever think they just can't do this "trying to get pregnant thing" anymore??

Hello, cycle 43. I'm not real happy to see you.

I'll never understand this body.

2007-10-31T14:45:00.000-06:00

I have had THREE (count them, 1-2-3) positive OPK's in a row on days 18-20. That's WAY sooner than last month when I was on Clomid. So, yeah....an unmedicated cycle where my body is doing something on it's own. Amazing. Unfortunately I had a wicked stomach virus in the middle of all of that, so I am surprised my body did anything. But, still...positive OPK's. In my opinion, that's news worth posting about!

(Just thought I'd let you know.)